Why am I not a better mother?

  • Thread starter Thread starter r16674
  • Start date Start date
R

r16674

Guest
I have three kids, two girls ages 11 and 9 and an 8-month-old boy. I love my kids very much, but I don't feel like I am the best mother. You know how some women say they are "born to be mothers"? Well, not me. I enjoy children in general, especially my own, but they wear me out pretty quickly emotionally. My mother-in-law is one of these "my whole life is my kids" types, so I feel like my husband is constantly comparing me to her. I just finished college so I am hoping to have a career outside of the home. I chase after our son all day long, get up with him 4 times a night, clean house, and spend time with the girls, but I don't feel very appreciated because I don't contribute to the household income.I am just too tired all the time...why am I not better at this? Why do I secretly hate staying home all day long? Am I just lazy and selfish?
 
Because being a mother isn't your natural joy. I am a born to be mother. I would have died stuck in an office with my kids in daycare. But that is who you are. You want that in life. There is nothing wrong with that and you don't need to be a better mom. Sounds to me like your husband and MIL need to realize your doing a damn good job at being you.And btw NEVER apologize for being yourself. Never doubt yourself if you are doing your best. NONE of us is perfect.
 
God no I know exactly how you feel, I love my kids so much but the whole staying at home, baking and spending all my time playing with the kids jsut isnt for me at all it makes me depressed, and lonely.I make sure I go out every day, I go for lunch with my friends, to my familys house, to playgroups, anywhere. And at home I play with my kids of course but I also make sure there is a time where they are playing by themselves and I am doing things that I want to do, otherwise I would go mad.I too wish I could be one of those ever patient perfect mothers, but I suspect they are fictional
 
You aren't lazy and selfish. Having a career outside the home can be a great thing - you're going to be a fantastic role model for your girls. Being a mother is a tough job. I stay at home but do contract work on the side (I'm was a lawyer in my pre-kids life). I would go nuts if I didn't do something else.
 
Look at the other side of the coin:I don't think it's healthy to be one of those parents who makes their children their entire world. I'm not saying we should be selfish and put them on the back burner, but it's important that parents continue to have their own adult lives including friends, social outings and jobs, if they so desire. My mom has always worked, but when I (the youngest) moved out, it took her two or three years to get over not having a child in the house to parent because she got so wrapped up in being a mom that she had no idea how to have a social life of her own. I think it's a great idea for your kids to see that you are more than just their mom - and some of us just aren't happy being stuck at home with kids all day. We need that adult interaction we get at work. There's nothing wrong with that!
 
There is nothing wong with you. Some are born to it and others are not. My wife was the same as you. Because she went to work and is a much happier person. She is better with the kids and that's the important thing.
 
you sound like your depressed but you are a good mother because your taking care of your kids..any woman can give birth but it takes a woman to be a mother
 
You shouldn't feel bad because you don't contribute to the household income. I'm not even sure if I can see why you'd feel that way because it's not as if all of your children all are in school and you're just sitting around the house all day. My husband and I have a 4 1/2mo old, whom my husband is a stay at home dad to, and even though she doesn't do much his attention to her is necessary. I can only imagine how hard things will be when she gets to be 8mo old. So, although you're not contributing financially, you are contributing to the well being of your family because you're caring for your baby.As to the other portion of your question, I can relate to not feeling like a mother. I'm not a June Cleaver type mom. I work full time, I play sports, video games, and can fight like a dude. I'm the opposite of what the average person would think of when the word mother came to mind. Outside of seeing my kids everyday and doing for them as needed, the only thing that reminds me I'm a mom is knowing that I'll do whatever I have to for the sake of my kids. That's what I have in common with my mom. No, I don't bake. I don't make things pretty around the house. But, the one thing that mothers have always done, regardless of race or cultural background or economic status, I do. So as long as you're taking care of kids to the best of your ability, you are a mom and shouldn't feel otherwise.EDIT: Mary-Sue is right. My mother was a stay at home mom until my father passed away when I was 8, and then she had to work out of necessity. Growing up, we were her reason for living. She never had a social life. I'm the middle child of 3 girls. My younger sister didn't move out until she was 25, she's 28 now. My mother has only recently, as recent as last fall, begun to pick herself up and regain a social life because she didn't know anything except being a mom. Once she was no longer needed, she didn't know how to handle it and was unhappy.
 
No hun you are not lazy or selfish, while you love your kids being a mom is not your only calling in life. No mom feels like they are perfect, we all fear we are not doing enough, or could be doing better, and those who say differently are LIARS!! Being a mom is something that changes daily as different issues come along, as long as you love those kids and are doing your BEST to be a great mom, there is nothing more any one can ask for. GOOD LUCK!!
 
I can empathise with you but I only have one son, aged 22 months. I don't feel like I am one of those women who are "born to be mothers" either. I also get frustrated with my son and lose my patience much more than I should. I am exhausted day in and day out. I want to stay at home with my son until he starts school but I also find it isolating, difficult and sometimes wonder If I am making the right decision by not going back to work. You are not lazy and selfish. Sounds like the complete opposite to me. You are honest. You are aware of your weaknesses. Perhaps you just need to be more aware of your strengths? You have a job in which you are on call 24/7. You work very long hours. It is work in which you don't receive an income, praise, appreciation or time off. My mother-in-law raised four children and she loves children. Loves being a mother. She devoted everything to being a mother. She often make me feel like a failure because she has such a strong maternal instinct. But she too has made many mistakes. I think mothers like you and me simply need to cut ourselves some slack but also put more effort into the nurturing aspect of motherhood. We love our children but may not be the most patient or tolerant and we may suffer from stress more than other mothers. I hope I'm not jumping to conclusions too much with your situation and I apologise If I am. My advice would be to have more fun with your children. I know that would be hard with an 8 month old. But try and go to the park, library, playgroups more. Don't be afraid to ask your husband for help. Perhaps, try and do more family orientated activites on the weekend, outside of the home? Can your husband look after your children just for two hours whilst you go shopping, see a movie etc?You have every right to feel exhausted and stressed. You are putting your children's and husband's needs before your own. That makes you selfless, not selfish. If you could have some time to yourself and have more help around the house, which you deserve, you may feel differently about being a SAHM.Good luck and I wish you all the best.
 
Not everyone is cut out to be a mother, but why did you have three kids if you feel that way? Make sure you're finding time for yourself. And it's okay to go back to work, some women aren't meant to be stay-at-home moms. Do what you can to make yourself happy, your children deserve a happy mom. Don't make yourself feel like you're trapped in the house, do what you can to change that.
 
As the Mom you're the biggest household contributer. You made those children remember. When you're children are old enough you will return to work. Don't feel bad for looking forward to that time. Some woman are born to stay home and others are ambitious in other ways. I commend you for giving your children the best despite having dreams and goals of your own. Until then, find time for yourself when you can work further towards those goals, and try not to rush this time by to much. It's hard to believe, but even the most ambitious miss this time when it's gone.
 
Back
Top