Whew it's hot out here! Summer Mini-Rants

[Shot From Guns]

STOP FUCKING CRAMPING. UGH.

I don't know what part of you is doing this, stupid womanly bits, but all the poking around was TWO WEEKS AGO. GET OVER IT ALREADY.

 

[Chefguy]

You have to have a prescription for that now?

That's a whole nuther thread.

 

[Chimera]

Fucking Body, stop hurting. Especially stop hurting so much that a combination of Vicodin and Flexiril is not sufficient to douse the pain.

 

[Cat Whisperer]

Lookit, birds, if you're going to nest in our eavestrough, would you mind looking after your babies a little better? Two eggs died earlier this year, and I just scooped up and bagged a dead and very stinky fledgeling. Pew.

 

[Wile E]

Wile E - I would look her straight in the face and go, "I have a theory about you."

And refuse to tell her - then when she finally pesters you enough, look her in the eyes and say, "Someone lied to you as a child and told you that if you ever stopped making noise, you'd die. Well, I'm here to tell you - it's just not true. In fact, the opposite is true. The more you talk, the shorter your life span becomes. Trust me, us short people know these things."

Then walk away and start working on something else.

Thanks for making me smile but I'd probably get in trouble for that. Although I did get snarky with her tonight and she didn't even notice. She's making me so stabby I think I may get someone else to work for me tomorrow. As for tonight I am self-medicating with wine and chocolate cake.

 

[Thudlow Boink]

Punctuation goes inside quotation marks.

Not all punctuation. But the US standard (unlike UK usage) is that periods (and commas) always go inside quotation marks, which I assume is what Shot from Guns was referring to.

 

[Bosstone]

Anybody want to start a petition against these puns?

I'll cosine.

Okay, but hurry, I've got a plane to catch.

 

[Shot From Guns]

I guess it might be harder for the cat to get the idea at first ("Yes, you want to go in that bucket with a hole in the top. Yes, it's a good thing to do.") but that would work well for that problem.

Per the reviews on Amazon, it seems like most cats have no problems adjusting.

 

[Shot From Guns]

Better yet: JUST HAND YOUR MONEY TO ME, IDIOTS!

 

[anya marie]

Flies and mosquitoes ugh!!!!

 

[Southern Yankee]

After close examination my boyfriend thinks somebody stabbed my tire. I'd be spitting mad, but I'm too tired.

Randomly, or do you have enemies?

 

[Wile E]

Lindsay Lohan goes to jail for what will amount to about 3 weeks. Her relatives are sobbing in the courtroom. Another relative is carrying a sign saying "Free Lindsay". Get a fucking grip, you fucking douchebags.

What's worse is that she will emerge in a few weeks proclaiming that she is a changed person and that life has more meaning now and I'm gonna hurl all over my morning paper I swear to fucking christ.

Well, it had that same effect on Paris Hilton. Oh wait, no it didn't. Nevermind.

 

[olivesmarch4th]

Hoorah! Citizens demand pictures.

(So is this like a permanent sun allergy thing, like that one episode of House? Because that would totally blow.)

I think I missed that episode. But yeah, it appears permanent. It started when I was in high school, during... yes, during band camp. I break out in burning hives and feel like I'm going to throw up if I get overexposed to UVA rays. And by ''overexposed,'' I mean, ''I walk out to get the mail and have to stop and tie my shoelace.''

Here's an article that makes fun of me.

I can usually avoid the hives if am diligent with sunscreen, but not the nausea. Some summers are worse than others. Invitations to the beach will generally receive a response of hysterical laughter (unless I'm feeling particularly stupid, in which case they will receive a response, hours later, of ''Why did I do that?'')

Grudging photograph of me in my new duds.

Actually, it was my husband who told me I looked like a beekeeper. I think it more looks like I'm about to go on safari. Today I safaried to... West Philadelphia.

I totally met a friend in the elevator and she didn't even recognize me at first. Or at least, she was pretending not to recognize me.

I have to admit though, that hat is pretty badass. Um, I mean, functionally. What I'm trying to say is, it protects me from the sun like it's supposed to. The difference, qualitatively, was quite astonishing.

Sorry your mom's a bitch.

You have such a beautiful, concise way of expressing yourself.

Bee keepers are not inherently dorky.

I apologize for my rash words. I certainly did not mean to impinge the honor of the long and treasured beekeeping tradition.

All the cool kids wear Hazmat suits.

Oh, I accepted a long time ago that I am not, and never will be, ''cool.'' But is ''sufficiently under the radar'' really too much to ask for?

 

[StarvingButStrong]

Can I slip a gloat in here with the rants?

Our office is located in a small office building. There are just seven units spread over three floors. The landlord (who is also the tenant of one of the offices) has been unhappy because one of the units has gone unrented for over a year now. He was always bitching about it at his office manager who also served as the rental manager for the building.

Now, everybody except him knows it wasn't her fault. This area has way too much office space for the current economy, as anyone who looked around would have to know. Hell, there are five other office buildings I know of within a one mile radius with "space for rent" signs on them. Plus this building is older than most of those, and simply doesn't have all the amenities and 'newness' renters can insist on in this market. Plus the rents here ($23 per sq.ft.) are on the high end of the region's scale.

The office manager is a lovely woman, but she can't overcome older AND more expensive AND worse aesthetics, you know? Frankly I'm amazed the building is as full as it was.

So landlord goes out and four months ago hires a high powered rental manager to remedy the situation. Paying her, apparently, a great salary and simultaneously demoting the nice woman AND cutting her salary because, you know, she 'wasn't up to the job.'

The new manager is a total bitch. Her emotional range goes from hostile to insanely hostile. Saying 'good morning' to her can earn you a blistering lecture on what a bad tenant you are because one of your clients parked in the wrong area. Seriously.

She's had the owner spending a ton of money sprucing up the building. Some on projects that were needed (repaving the parking lot, replacing the worn carpets in the common ares) but a huge amount went to completely redoing the landscaping. Which meant cutting down TWENTY huge oak trees and filling in the space with a zillion small shubs and annuals. (Including, btw, over 70 hostas. Which are now slowly dying because, guess what? When you cut down all the trees the grounds are no longer shady! Hostas do not do well in full sun, idiot.)

Anyway. Six weeks ago Bitch sent around a letter saying the landlord would no longer 'let us take advantage' of him by paying 'such low' rents, and starting on Aug 1 our rents will go up by over 20% to be 'more fair.'

Riiiiiight.

Guess what? Tomorrow is moving out day for one of the tenants. Another goes on Wednesday. We've given notice, we'll be out by the end of July. And today I learned from a secretary at yet another of the offices that her boss is signing the lease on a new place this Friday.

Yep. She's taken a building that had 5 of the 6 available units rented and in just four months turned it into a building with just ONE tenant (besides the owner.)

Way to go, Manager Bitch! I wonder how big a bonus you'll get for that?

 

[olivesmarch4th]

Wow, I love getting sick on my favorite holiday and not being able to go outside and see fireworks. That was exactly what I was hoping for. Thanks, Universe!

 

[Cat Whisperer]

What's the difference between the Canadian and USA do not call registries? Because ours has worked wonders.

The only 'nuisance' calls we get are political ones in election season, and calls from charities like Big Brother and Disabled Vets looking to pick up donated household goods.

The exceptions are for political parties, charities, and anyone you have ever done business with. So, in other words, you basically still get all the calls you would have gotten before you registered. The big story was that there was a ridiculously small amount of fines levied in spite of numerous complaints, and only $250 in fines actually collected. What has happened is they started with a weak, ineffective law, made the penalties small, then didn't enforce the law or collecting penalties, in spite of Canadians overwhelmingly wanting telemarketing calls to stop.

I don't think I'll mess with their litter boxes at this point; one cat is 14 and arthritic, and the other is almost 11 - they're pretty set in their ways. I'll look into disposable painting dropcloths. I'd just mop the floor around the boxes, but unfortunately we don't have a sink downstairs, so it turns into too much of a production.

 

[Lionne]

I will never, ever be able to get a pedicure because of people like my boss. He has an infected toenail; I've seen it and it's gross.
He bought a package at a local spa and he's going to get a pedicure today. I told him I doubt they'll let him use the foot spa/hot tub thing and he says he's used it before and they clean it so what's it matter? I sent him a link about how bacteria hides in the crevices and tubes...he didn't even read it. His whole attitude is immature and ignorant.

Because he does stuff like this, and because some businesses won't turn away paying clients, I will never feel comfortable enough to get a pedicure. I've heard too many horror stories and seen too many photos.

 

[Sigmagirl]

Nothing yet. He was in the cath lab early this a.m. He's in another state and his wife is, understandably, not able to make dozens of calls, so she's posting on Facebook from her phone. No updates for hours -- I just checked. Maybe that's at least not bad news.

Finally news -- he has a stent and is on a ventilator. He has not regained consciousness.

 

[Wile E]

Its just the mini-rants thread. I've never seen any rules that differentiate what kind of posts can be made in this area.

It's all just hyperbola anyway.

 

[Zsofia]

Probably by the same juvenile delinquents who broke one of my windows last August. The heat brings it out of the little shits.

However, since the window incident, we have cameras. I'll be reviewing tonight.