what've I become

I

itso _varna

New member
I don't know whats wrong with me...

I was with a girl off and on for 4 years.. she is my heart. but she wanted her vices (drinking, smoking, being a heartless asshole) more than she wanted us. so finally I had to let go of it. Just last year.
Yesterday I smoked for the first time. and I cried. I felt like shit.
I've been cursing (I don't usually curse). I am stressed beyond belief. I think my stomach ulsur is coming back because I can't seem to find an outlet.
My girlfriend's friend is stressing me. my Ex is stressing me. my parents and family. I mean.. my 'lesbianism' is a disease. they will disown me.
I plan to move all the way to seattle (opposite side of me) just to be away...and I plan it in june.
I don't know how my family will react. I havent even presented it because they'd try to stop me. down to the blood. They'd do anything.
my girlfriend..hm.. we're not even together. I broke up with her because she smoked weed. With her Father (wtf).
I told her I smoked last night and she blames herself. I hate that.
I don't know why I'm stressed. I mean I do... but I don't.

Its just really starting to scare me now. that I got that weak and low. I almost fell out in work from my stomach pains.
I was always a happy person. I handled anger, deaths, depression, sadness..all that pretty well


I'm ranting..sorry.
Help me.
 
In all honesty you need counseling. You also need to find something to do with your time to take your mind off of your stresses. Workout, yoga, read a book or just start walking and listening to music while you do so. I find all these things to be very good stress relievers. Sometimes your mind just doesn't want to let go of what's going on around you and you have to start doing something to condition it every now and then to let it go otherwise you're going to have a heart attack.

As far as counseling, there is nothing wrong with it. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. It is just an outlet to be able to talk to someone that is unbiased about how you feel. Sometimes friends and family just aren't the people to talk to mostly because they are the ones causing you the stress. I just wanted that noted for the record because most people think the second you say "counseling" that means you're mental when in all actuality it means your sane enough to know that you just need someone to talk to.

Hope that helps.
 
Hey...
You I know that getting a hobby sounds like the last thing to do right now but it can actually help.. you won't even notice... And counseling is not such a bad idea...

Actually moving far away can help too, I'm always for a dramatic change to fix youre life
 
You need to take time and find out what is important to your life. You need to find your center and clear your mind. Yes, it is hard to do and takes time and practice, but you will get it and you will be allright.

Other than that, I have no other advice. Life, good and bad, comes in waves. No matter how bad it is, it will always get better. No matter how good it is it will always get worse.
 
What DG said is right. My advice would be is to just calm down. Take it with baby steps at first (Life I mean) and all around just chill out. At times it may seem like all hope is lost, but then just around the corner it gets better. And if you havnt told your parents yet that your a lesbian, Do so. Theyre your parents, and they should love you regardless.
 
Relationships are hard. Very hard if you don't like what they're doing and they continue to do it anyway, especially if what they're doing is harming you and them. When your heart belongs to someone and they choose that they'd rather do something than take care of it you realize it's very painful on you. If you did all you could to help her and nothing worked then it's a bit obvious she didn't want to give it up to be with you. It may sound a bit harsh, but it's true.. A lot of stress can be induced from past relationships, but theres always plenty of people out there looking for someone like you. So don't give up.

that probably didn't really help much. I'm just rambling.
 
I think the whole problem lies within you. If you have a problem with someone smoking or drinking or doing drugs, it is not their problem. If they were doing this and you did not know this person, then you would not care. The fact that you have a problem with this person doing these things is not their problem. It is your problem. If you start to make yourself less stressed about this problem, most likely it will go away. The problem is an internal one. If the problem was not inside yourself, there would be no problem. Work out the issues and see what happens.
 
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