P
princesslevis
Guest
no standards... for as long as it'll make my day 
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K
kit kat
Guest
A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
Another one
I rear ended a car this morning...the driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started.
Another one
John woke up after the annual office new year party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
'Louise,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'
'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn. 'You made a complete *** of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.'
'He's an idiot,' John said. 'Piss on him.'
'You did', came the reply. 'And he fired you.'
'Well, screw him!' said John.
'I did. You're back to work on Monday.'
Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
Another one
I rear ended a car this morning...the driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started.
Another one
John woke up after the annual office new year party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
'Louise,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'
'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn. 'You made a complete *** of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.'
'He's an idiot,' John said. 'Piss on him.'
'You did', came the reply. 'And he fired you.'
'Well, screw him!' said John.
'I did. You're back to work on Monday.'
Tramp walks into a posh jewellers, puts his hand down the back of his trousers and calmly proceeds to finger his a**e.
The manager runs over and says “What do you think you’re doing, you filthy pig, get out!”
Tramp points to a sign in the window that says “Please come inside and pick your ring in comfort.”
The manager runs over and says “What do you think you’re doing, you filthy pig, get out!”
Tramp points to a sign in the window that says “Please come inside and pick your ring in comfort.”
this is only funny if you can get some one to say it lol "Knock knock" (you say that) lol "Whos there?" (they say that) "Smell Mop" (you say that) " Smell Mop Who"? (they say that an immediately feel stupid afterwards) "Haha your disgusting"( you say that while laughing like a lunatic) lol Smell MOp Whoo (Smell mah poo)
this is only funny if you can get some one to say it lol "Knock knock" (you say that) lol "Whos there?" (they say that) "Smell Mop" (you say that) " Smell Mop Who"? (they say that an immediately feel stupid afterwards) "Haha your disgusting"( you say that while laughing like a lunatic) lol Smell MOp Whoo (Smell mah poo)
T
The Saint
Guest
There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.
One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn't be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two.
After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. "What took you so long?" inquired the Redhead.
"There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?" replied the Brunette.
"No. Blondie is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait.
Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde "What took you so long?"
"What do you expect? You guy's cheated", replied the idignant blonde, "You used your hands!"
One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn't be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two.
After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. "What took you so long?" inquired the Redhead.
"There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?" replied the Brunette.
"No. Blondie is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait.
Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde "What took you so long?"
"What do you expect? You guy's cheated", replied the idignant blonde, "You used your hands!"