not very poetic.
and a little corny.
try something like this one i wrote a while ago:
HEART LIGHT
"She waits in heart-light
apples fall like deep jade starlight
through windows eyes she sees a flicker
Seconds lasting less then light
moments stolen, lost eyes
hearts bound by found lies
as she waits, in the heart-light
Moments stolen, less then light
Dreams and thoughts collide in the far-sight
past-sight screams in mingled lamp-light
moments flicker in the heart-light
now she knows
now the fight
words fly
knives hit and souls cry
her rage, her heart; it cries
jade apples lie on the floor
why cant you ask to be sure
waiting in the heart-light
seconds lasting less then past-sight
why cant you ask to be sure"
you gotta have an angle to the beauty. it makes it interesting
in this one, its the beauty of a woman scorned.
try not to state the obvious in a poem.
you gotta make your reader think.
and remember to use rhythm in your poems.
make them flow~
keep it up :3
