What would you say into a fake cellphone?

In Walmart or the like ...
examples:

"Mavis, it's not a yeast infection, go see the doctor"

"I don't care if it's stuck in the faucet, I will be home in three hours and I am not calling the plumber!"
 
"Whatever you do, do not panic! It is imparative that you do not panic! Now, just duct tape his head back on his body. Yes, yes, no one will notice. Okay... I am so sorry this happened to you... yes, is it secure? Is he talking again? Good, good, now leave before he looks in the mirror."
 
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