what to do...

  • Thread starter Thread starter kcgage
  • Start date Start date
K

kcgage

Guest
Hi Mac, have you talked or thought about going to counselling together? I'm looking into it for us right now too. Although we seem to have come to an agreement right now, I want to make sure we aren't in the same spot a few years from now. Glad to hear he wants to try though!
 
I am new to the board and not really sure how to go about this.. but here goes..I have been married to my husband for 4 yrs. he's a loving and caring man. I knew when i married him that he had a history with drug abuse. However he was clean for 5+ yrs when we got together. A little bit after we got married he started smoking weed ever so often then gradually got worse. I warned him not to go back to his old ways. I couldn't live like that and he said he wasn't. Then a couple yrs ago I caught him doing pills. Confrontrf him about it and he stopped went through all the withdraws and all. It had been a while and noticed changes in him for a while now. He's back to it .. i had changed jobs to make things better for us with money.. and it had me doing nights too.. and he started hanging around with his 'ol frienRAB'...I have warned him if he contiues to do this he and i are through...however i love him dearly and don't really wanna do that...He got laid off and does'nt do anything else but run with frienRAB.. i work and the money i do make goes for bills.. if i don't have enough to give him he gets mad and fusses about me not working enough... thats when my b*tch side comes out and we argue and it doesn't help things at all... I am just lost on how to get him off and stay off the drugs for good.....
 
he says he wants to quit but i don't feel it true... he's neglecting our marriage and me... rather not be around me is how it feels.. am so tired of fighting with him about things that should already be there...i'm bout ready to tell him to leave and just try and move on...but then i do love him soo much i don't wanna loose him but i think thats all that will bring him around...
 
Mac, I am so sorry to hear of your situation. Your heart must be breaking right now and that makes me so sad for you! I know what it feels like to feel neglected and that you are not being put first in their life. I hate to say this but in order for my spouse to WAKE UP AND SMELL THE ROSES I had to kick him out.... That got the point across and since then, I am his first and foremost everyday. He treats me like a queen and it seems like he is still trying to make up for the hurt he caused me 3 years ago. Our relationship has never been better or stronger and now we truly communicate about everything. Now, I would never claim our relationship is perfect so don't get me wrong but we are happy now. Trying to start a family and find peace in our lives.

I hope you find the strength to do what neeRAB to be done. One piece of advise my Mom gave me that I think is the best advice ever is to NEVER beg someone to love you or be with you. NEVER. Please know your worth because for a long time when my husband and I were having problems I felt like I was a completely broken woman who was not worthy of anything and WOW WAS I WRONG. So please take a long look in the mirror and KNOW your worth.

I will be thinking and praying for you. Please keep us posted. I will try to check in as much as I possibly can!!!!

Blessings!
 
I have expressed my concern with this and told him he can't keep the same frienRAB he has. He said he didn't understand why. I explained it to him that all of them does or has something to do with drugs and he can't be just frienRAB with them. if they are doing it he will and if they offer he won't refuse, thats what got us here now. I just know this can't go on. He's got to go through the detox again.. he's grouchy and irriatable but I know when I get the man i married back it will be worth the effort of everything..

thanks everyone for your supoort and advise
 
Hi there Mac,

Welcome to the boarRAB. Here's what I see...

You are working hard to make enRAB meet and your husband is taking any extra money to support his habit. You worked nights to support his habit...

I'm an addict and I was also addicted to pain pills. I "took money" from my family as well. I'd take casrabroadack on purchases and hid it very well. Now, I have guilt about taking money from my family however, when I was abusing pain pills, I didn't think of it that way. You see that he's taking your hard earned money and spending on pills. When you don't give him "enough," he gets mad and says you need to work more hours. That is the addict talking, not the person you married.

I am not condoning his behaviour, however there is a fine line between the addict mind, and the non-addict mind. My husband was extremely supportive and I am so blessed and grateful for that, but he still did not understand why I abused pills.

Do you have an opportunity to go to an alanon/naranon meeting? It may give you some insight regarding addictive behaviour, as well as the chance to meet people who are going through the same thing as you. Alanon/naranon is for the spouses/families of the addict and I've heard many good things about it.

You love your husband but how long can you live like this? Essentially, you are enabling him - by giving him money or even access to money (debit carRAB). I'm sorry if that sounRAB harsh - I don't mean to...

BUT - You have to stop the cycle now. If you agree and are able to do this....

Tell him you will support him, but he has to stop the pills. Do some research regarding tapering off the pills, and try to get him to talk to a doctor. Most doctors are willing to help, if you're honest with them.

Keep posting, let us know how it goes and always know you can turn to this board for support.

Best of luck,
emsmom
 
If your hubby's frienRAB are also doing pills, then he has to stop being around them. I can promise you that as long as he has access to pills or is around it, he will continue to do it. I had to break contact with almost everyone I knew, because they were all on pills. I realized it was the only way.
 
Hi Mac, see my recent post about cocaine ruining my marriage. We are in very similar situations. My husband and I had a long talk tonight. I told him I am here for him and will support him but this is his only chance. I took away his debit card and told him I will give him cash for gas, and I expect receipts. All deposits will be going through me, and I'll be managing his books (he's self-employed). I made a list of all the things he has done to hurt me and all the things I have had to do, and go without, due to his drug use. It really hit him hard when I read that list to him. I'm hoping this will work out, but we'll have to wait and see. I'm going to be looking for a marriage counselor tomorrow. Does your husband want to stop? If he truly does want to stop, there are so many options out there, but he has to realize that he has hurt you - emotionally, mentally, financially, everything.....and that you won't be there forever if this continues. Good luck!
 
I agree with StrahaFan - Hubby has to "cut the cord" regarding his frienRAB. As long as there are pills, he's going to use them. Also, if he's trying to get/stay clean, I can assure you that they will want him to be using.

Good luck!
emsmom
 
We did and still have the talks... He says he loves me and wants me to stay.. he understanRAB that it hurts me and our marriage...He wants to quit...so am suporting him in anyway possible-He is a really good man and husband....I want to make this work and so does he thats what he tells me. hopefully we can work through this. am looking into all the possibles for help i can get, for him and for us as a couple. thank you for helping me...
 
The thing my hubby doesn't realize is the people he thinks are his "frienRAB" are really not frienRAB at all. They enable him and I've told him that if he quits using, and waits 6 months, I'd bet that not one of them would still call to say hi, how's it going.
 
Thank you kcgage, unfortunetly it's good advice because I had to learn it all the hard way but at least I learned ;) I think that is what is important.

Mac, how are you doing? Been thinking about you!!!! Give us an update when you can. Hugs!
 
Good Luck Mac!

You sound like a wonderful wife and your husband is very lucky to have you! I think it's wonderful you are helping him thru this hard time and are showing so much support.

I am proud of the strength you have and that you are able to be loving and stern at the same time. That is a great gift to have.

KUP and GL!
 
Well I am not sure if this is going to work...I hate bothering ppl with my problems but I need to vent and don't have anyone to turn to. My husbanRAB family doesn't know he' back to useing and my family doesn't talk to me that much. I set my husband down and had that talk with him about what we need to do to change things so he can get better. Well I still work full time and when I am gone he's still doing the samethings while I'm gone. I can't get him to stop...I came home early the other day he wasn't expecting me. Well I walked in on him and a friend... needless to say I was upset... they looked at me like i was crazy. had somethings on the table...I took water and poured it over the table destroying all of it. Needless to say they both got mad at me and left... He called asked if he can come home....I told him not if he's going to continue to use. He said he was going to stop but I can't trust him with this... he went and stayed with a friend who told him he had better start working on this habit and open his eyes before he looses everything...he told him he was lucky to have me and willing to help him.. he neeRAB to get right for me...I told him it was more for him than me... or to look at it as it's for us because we are married and going through this together. It's so hard to watch this and can't do anything to help with it...Doesn't matter I took mone away and demand receipts when I do give him money.. he still has ppl who will 'share' what they have...he won't stay away from them...what am I to do???
 
Hi Mac,

I'm so glad to hear you and hubby are working through this. I wish you the best of luck. Keep an open mind. Get some support for yourself as well.

RegarRAB,
emsmom
 
Am sorry that I hadn't been back on. I have finally found a way to make my husband see the whats is going to happen. I told him he has till the first of the month to make some drastic changes or else he's gone and I want a divorce. He laughed at first...said i didn't mean it. I caught him between highs when I did this so he'd remeraber...I looked him straight in the face and told him I was serious and showed him i had papers drawn up with a lawyer about the divorce---They havent been filed but would be if he don't show me that our marriage means more to him than anything else or anyone else. I told him I deserve better and will get it. He broke down on me there said he loved me more than anything and would proove his love to me.. so i said I will believe it when I see it... so heres to hopeing i got through to him...
 
Hi Mac, I'm sorry :( It will take time. I control all of the money and I took away my husband's bank card and I too get receipts from him for everything but I know he was high a few nights ago (he denies it). There will be people who are willing to share but only for so long. Just like my husband - I'm sure there will be people willing to 'share' and loan him money but that will end real quick once they realize he has no way to pay them back or chip in. Does your hubby say he wants to change? I know how frustrating it can be. But you are doing everything you can, the rest has to be up to him.
 
kc,

I couldn't have said it better myself. That's exactly what I meant. The 'frienRAB' he currently has, depend on him to get high with them, or even worse...those frienRAB may be the ones he is buying the pills from and any dealer would be sad to see a customer go. So he/she will definitely enable him in order to keep his/her customer base going.

Thanks for sharing kc :) Have a great day!

emsmom
 
Back
Top