...STORY, but HELP!!!? I am such a horrible person... this is tearing me up inside... I could cry.
I spent the last 3 years getting to know a guy and we became best friends... Really close... and all the while I liked him, genuinely, truly liked him. It wasn't healthy though, it was more like an obsession. He basically became the focus of my entire life. Everything was about him. I dropped everything to be with him, I sacrificed my time, I went out of my way for him. My parents thought I was absolutely crazy.
Thing is, he's 8 years older than me, he's 31 and I'm 23. He is the complete opposite of me, he smokes, he has tattoos, he drinks, he works in a factory. So during all of this my parents saw us getting closer and I got into this huge fight with them. They wanted better for me, and I was too blind to see that they were right. I was too obsessed with the emotions I got from being with him. He made me so happy, because I find out that all along, he liked me too, and we were becoming closer. We even started holding hands and sitting practically on top of each other.
But in the last few weeks I discover he's not willing to change. Not willing to quit smoking or change any of his flaws, at least not until he's married. It just really hit me that I shouldn't end up with this guy because I barely started my life... and aside from it all... the relationship isn't healthy...
He has so many scars from his past. All of his weaknesses and strengths pair with mine in a BAD WAY... He is independent, I am dependent... He is incredibly sensitive and so am I, we basically will just torture each other. And worst of all he gets devastated by rejection... and I fear hurting him, it is overwhelming.
And yet another thing. I spent the last 3 years learning everything about him, and subconsciously absorbed it all, becoming like him. Now I feel like I'm living a lie and I don't know who I am anymore, I feel like I just can't be with him. He's my best friend... and I DON'T want to lose him, but I can't be with him.
Thursday I was holding hands with him. I'm leading him on now. He has no idea what I've been thinking. I'm being so cruel to him, drawing him closer and not telling him the truth... only because it will crush him, and he will likely back away from me... and it would kill me to lose him, it would hurt so badly.
I don't know what to do, how do I handle this. He's 31 and he has lost all hope of finding someone, then I come along and he is so happy, he believes I'm the one he's meant to be with, and at one point I believed the same. But just these last 2 weeks I don't feel that way anymore.
He believes that he should be accepted for who he is, flaws and all, and I was the one person who did. But now I can't. I can't sacrifice my happiness to be with him. He has all these dreams and goals and I don't know what mine are yet. I don't know if I could just blindly follow his. He is perfectly content with his situation and won't strive to better himself.
I don't know what to do...
You know what, it wasn't those crazy things that drew me to him in the first place. I didn't see those things at first. I was drawn to his sense of humor, his personality, his depth as a person. It was only recently that I realized that I can't be happy with a guy who lives in such a way that is so different to mine.
And I absolutely agree!! He shouldn't have to change for me!!! He deserves a woman who doesn't care if he changes or not... and that isn't me. I don't even know who I am anymore, I'm so lost.
I spent the last 3 years getting to know a guy and we became best friends... Really close... and all the while I liked him, genuinely, truly liked him. It wasn't healthy though, it was more like an obsession. He basically became the focus of my entire life. Everything was about him. I dropped everything to be with him, I sacrificed my time, I went out of my way for him. My parents thought I was absolutely crazy.
Thing is, he's 8 years older than me, he's 31 and I'm 23. He is the complete opposite of me, he smokes, he has tattoos, he drinks, he works in a factory. So during all of this my parents saw us getting closer and I got into this huge fight with them. They wanted better for me, and I was too blind to see that they were right. I was too obsessed with the emotions I got from being with him. He made me so happy, because I find out that all along, he liked me too, and we were becoming closer. We even started holding hands and sitting practically on top of each other.
But in the last few weeks I discover he's not willing to change. Not willing to quit smoking or change any of his flaws, at least not until he's married. It just really hit me that I shouldn't end up with this guy because I barely started my life... and aside from it all... the relationship isn't healthy...
He has so many scars from his past. All of his weaknesses and strengths pair with mine in a BAD WAY... He is independent, I am dependent... He is incredibly sensitive and so am I, we basically will just torture each other. And worst of all he gets devastated by rejection... and I fear hurting him, it is overwhelming.
And yet another thing. I spent the last 3 years learning everything about him, and subconsciously absorbed it all, becoming like him. Now I feel like I'm living a lie and I don't know who I am anymore, I feel like I just can't be with him. He's my best friend... and I DON'T want to lose him, but I can't be with him.
Thursday I was holding hands with him. I'm leading him on now. He has no idea what I've been thinking. I'm being so cruel to him, drawing him closer and not telling him the truth... only because it will crush him, and he will likely back away from me... and it would kill me to lose him, it would hurt so badly.
I don't know what to do, how do I handle this. He's 31 and he has lost all hope of finding someone, then I come along and he is so happy, he believes I'm the one he's meant to be with, and at one point I believed the same. But just these last 2 weeks I don't feel that way anymore.
He believes that he should be accepted for who he is, flaws and all, and I was the one person who did. But now I can't. I can't sacrifice my happiness to be with him. He has all these dreams and goals and I don't know what mine are yet. I don't know if I could just blindly follow his. He is perfectly content with his situation and won't strive to better himself.
I don't know what to do...
You know what, it wasn't those crazy things that drew me to him in the first place. I didn't see those things at first. I was drawn to his sense of humor, his personality, his depth as a person. It was only recently that I realized that I can't be happy with a guy who lives in such a way that is so different to mine.
And I absolutely agree!! He shouldn't have to change for me!!! He deserves a woman who doesn't care if he changes or not... and that isn't me. I don't even know who I am anymore, I'm so lost.