a little background info, i had nothing wrong with my upbringing and i'm generally a positive person.
i had always liked cars and it was another thing i could assert my personal taste, as well as things like music, clothes etc. after passing my test i enjoyed owning my own car and thinking what i could get next.
however i got a new job and was given a company car to drive which was ok for a while, but it came to replacing some cars and this small company decided they would buy several large ugly estate cars by a make who were so shit they went bankrupt. one of these was assigned to me and for some reason i didnt object at the time as the 'new car' thing somehow took over.
straight away though i hated this car but i felt trapped in this job and no one else understood my problem as they thought i was in a good job, after a year i was nearly made redundant and hoped i would be but somebody else was instead. i was still in money earning mode and thinking it was best for the future to try and do well in the job, even though i wasnt happy.
after 2 years i was gettin really frustrated and thinking of quitting as i didnt like the situation i was in, some others in the same job had 'nice' cars and i was one with a ugly big thing that was not 'me'.
i stayed in the job due to fear/lack of confidence to assert my beliefs, and got a better car after 2 1/2 years but things had got worse by then as something in my mind changed and i started thinking that anything that has been in the old car was infected. its like i developed a phobia, and had to discard anything i could that had been in the old car, eg clothes, objects.
eventually, too late possibly, i left this job, and that was 5 years ago. however this problem is still with me. i cant bear to look at the same car it almost makes my physically sick as i find it so ugly. and i look back in disbelief how i got in that situation and was driving round in something i found ugly. its not a common car you see but now i find i notice them when other people wouldnt even pay attention.
now have i gone crazy or is this a genuine problem and can i do anything to help myself. party due to getting older (late 20s) and due to this problem in my life i feel like a light has gone out in my life and i have lost ambitions i used to have. i have not told anyone about this as i dont like to be seen as being weak or a failure, but i know that i was and i didnt stand up for myself.
it even affects things now, as i still come across things that might have been in the car and even a laminate flooring at a family members house i try to avoid as i know it was in the car. i have learned some things about living in the 'now' and trying to control my thinking but i feel like i've just got to tell someone as i get nowhere thinking to myself.
