What is going on?

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bear6079

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Um I don't really know how to start this so here it goes I guess.

My life has not been hard, but it has not been easy. Earlier last year my mother came down with two forms of cancer and I did not show her much compassion. I more or less just shoved it off because I was in school and I didn't want it to distract too much from my grades which is no excuse. Thankfully she won her fight. I also had a traumatizing experience over Christmas. While I was washing dishes I grabbed a knife to wash it and my 8yr old brother walked up on me and scared me and not thinking I turned around with knife in hand and came within inches of hurting my brother and from that moment on I have had grotesque and aggressive images of me hurting him, the rest of my family, myself, and my frienRAB. All of these images and thoughts cause me to become so nervous and scared that I cannot eat. I will often call myself a murderer and I haven't done anything and I don't have the desire to do anything. I don't feel like myself. And before then I have never had these thoughts and so I feel as if I am going crazy and that I am the only one who is going through this.

I have been to the doctor about these thoughts and he told me that I don't have OCD I have depression because of what happened to my mother and what almost happened to my brother. So he put me on an antidepressant and told me to keep busy. I believe there is more to it than depression I just don't know what.

What do you think? :)
 
Hey there I usually post in the panic disorders section but I decided to take a little trip here since they're related, I think you might be experiencing some type of trauma related to those two incidents.

You say you felt incompassionate when your mom got sick, and I think that affected your self-image because you feel like you should of cared more about it and it affected you by making you think you're this bad person, which simply isn't true because after having these bad thoughts you feel sick, and you're seeking help.

What I would suggest is that you take the time to FORGIVE yourself, and do stuff with your mom and brother and reconnect with them.

And don't worry too much :P

I hope I was of some help!
 
Escotk:

Thank you for your imput it really helped. I now realize that I do feel guilty because when I have these thoughts I feel very down, upset, and have that guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know that forgiving myself will not happen overnight, but just realizing that I am not going crazy and that I am a good person has already helped me. But I also feel as if I need to get the forgiveness of others before I forgive myself. However, I truely want to thank you and if you have anymore advice for me please let me know.

Thank You
Bear6079:)
 
Hey I'm really REALLY happy I could help you. If there's anything, you could PM me and I'll try to get back to you as soon as possible.
 
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