what do you think of this poem?

J

Josh

New member
When tomorrow comes and I don't wake up,
will you love me just as much?
Even though I can no longer speak, or caress
you with a gentle, loving touch.
Would you sometimes think you saw me
in a crowd or heard me call your name?
I guess what I'm asking is "Would our love
for each other still be the same?"
I would hope that you might shed a tear
or maybe even two or three.
In memory of all the love and tenderness
that was shared between you and me.
But please don't let your grief take over
and completely rule your life.
If you can find someone who loves you
as much as I do, then take her to be your wife.
For I don't want you to be lonely and I will
understand that you need someone
And it will not change the love we shared
since the first day it all begun.
 
You might want to fiddle with the structure, you know? Most of it was great, but there are a few spots where if you read it as a whole it seems like it breaks lines at the wrong places. It interrupts the rhythm of the whole poem I have in my mind.

For example, these two lines:
"Even though I can no longer speak, or caress
you with a gentle, loving touch."

Could be changed into something like this:

"Even though I can no longer speak,
or caress you with a gentle, loving touch."

"Even though I can no longer speak or caress you,
with a gentle, loving touch."

Anyway, that's just my two cents. I'm not sure if it's helpful, but you might want to play around with the structure a bit more.

Great job rhyming. I read a lot of poetry where words are used just because they rhyme with line two. You keep up a nice A-B-C-B, D-E-F-E scheme, if that makes sense.

Also, don't worry about having lines different lengths. It's okay to have one that's a longer than the rest, or have one or two that's shorter, in my opinion.

I like the idea of the whole poem, although I have seen it done before. I particularly like the bit about taking another wife. That really does convey that you want them to be happy more than anything.

I enjoyed it. Very nice job. (:
 
Back
Top