What do you think of this poem?

K

kaseydupree

New member
I am currently working towards my arts award gold, and for my challenge have written a collection of poems that rhyme on the theme of death. This is the first and is called 'The Girl Who Slew The World'.

Thank You, all feedback welcome.

The Girl Who Slew the World

Forever locked inside a room
Her heart a cold and empty tomb
Never let a soul go near
Sending out waves of fear
Words are daggers from her mouth
Sending all the cold winds south
Happiness is far away
Saved up for a rainy day
So here it is her tale unfurled
For she’s the girl who slew the world

Watch her as she passes by
She stands slouched- no head held high
Do you know her secret though?
Like she’d ever tell a soul!
Can you tell it start to end?
Tell it like she is your friend?
Passing through her daily life
Carrying around a sack of strife
So here it is her tale unfurled
For she’s the girl who slew the world

Wakes up every morning sad
Shows the world that she is mad
Lives each day through personal hell
Has a lifetime of stories to tell
Prays God will let her fade away
“Start tomorrow without me- please, I pray”
But still it lasts continually
Unbeknown to you or me
So here it is her tale unfurled
For she’s the girl who slew the world

It’s too much for her this day
There’s no one left for her to slay
So that dagger turns around
She takes her life without a sound
No one’s there to catch her fall
To turn around and make right all
There’s nothing left for you to do
It was over before you knew
So there it is her tale unfurled
She was the girl who slew the world.
 
What is this, emo Dr. Seuss?

"Would you cut me with a knife?
Would you take my widdle life?

I would not cut your with a knife,
I would not take your widdle life.
I would not cut or maim or bleed
I would not cut mortality.
I am no such kind of meano.
I am not emo, Nemo-I-emo."

bleh. gag.
 
its good, but try to add some alliteration-for example: (this isn't in your poem)

the super sun floats

Have fun with poetry!
 
it really is quite a sad poem about a girl who is so depressed that she commits suicide. i think the poem may have been based on a true incident.
 
I liked it, thought it had good content although sometimes it felt like the wording could have been better... as in sometimes it seemed like you used a certain word purley because it rhymed and not because it had relevance to the story you where telling... but that's just my opinion and i dint know much about poetry!
 
and a happy ending purple flowers need rain to grow and in time you'll find Jerry because Stacey let this prince go...in time...in time...and if your listening in Stacey...you blew it....go play softball with capt Mike......washco is misleading the entire inhibited
 
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