What do you think of my Shakespearean Sonnet for Act 5 in Romeo and Juliet?

P

Peter

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The star-crossed lover rushes onto death
And pulls life's sorrow with him on the way
A prayer that this might be his final breath
As death in fair verona rings cliché


The morrow's rest is broken at cock's crow
Confusion mounts and threads its way through air
The lives of three untimely tak'n in tow
The stage of death within the lady's lair

Their souls are now let go thus sorrows cease
And vice has turned to virtue hence to vice
But romeo and juliet have peace
And all now weep to see for hate what price

Our Romeo has slain his love with love
May both their souls find love and rest above.
 
Not bad. It's difficult to write a proper sonnet and you have the meter and the rhyme down. My only criticisms would be that it stings a bit to have one of the greatest (and most adorable) tragedies in history called "cliche." Remember, it wasn't in Shakespeare's time. Also, traditionally sonnets have a tone shift at line nine that starts with "But" or a word like it. It's kind of a hallmark, though it doesn't always have to be there. Oh, and the second "love" in the heroic couplet is a bit repetitive. May I suggest,
"May both their souls find sweet repose above."
Nice job, though, I love some of those phrases.
 
I have had a glance at some terrible poetry in my life but this is not one of them. It is great and professional. Nothing more to say than BRAVA!
 
It's perfect. It is a perfect summary of the play, written in Olde English, and the theme and language fit the tone of the play.

I disagree with Sam regarding the shift in the last six lines of a Shakespearean sonnet since it is famous, not only for the iambic pentameter, but also for the abab cdcd efef gg rhyme scheme.

I think, perhaps, Sam is considering a Petrarchan sonnet which is one composed of a group of eight lines (octave) with two rhymes abba abba, and a group of six lines (sestet) with two or three rhymes variously arranged, typically cde cde or cdc dcd: the thought or theme is stated and developed in the octave, and expanded, contradicted, etc. in the sestet; also known as an Italian sonnet.

In your sonnet, though normally I would agree about the duplication of words in close proximity, the use of love in L13-14 is quite acceptable. The first love is a person, the second is a state of being. I think that is clear.
 
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