What do you think of my poems?

J

Jessica

New member
I'm only 13 and this is one of the first poems I ever wrote.
The Fight Inside Of Me

I know I wanna be with you
My heart it burns with desire

But me telling you I wanna be with you
Would just make me a liar

I love the way you touch me and hold me
It makes my buzz go a little bit higher

But me telling you I wanna be with you
Would just make me a liar

And when you kiss me. OH MY GOD
Its as if my body has just caught on fire

But me telling you I wanna be with
Would just make me a liar

When I see you
My heart sings like it has its own choir

But me telling you I wanna be with you
Would just make me a liar
The broken Pieces
you broke it
into a million pieces
i cry as i try to put them back together
but all i can think about is you
and how every piece still wants you
as i try to forget
my heart breaks again
Now i stare at the unloved broken pieces
 
I would work on the meter of the poem, some of the lines don't seem to really flow. Poetry shouldn't sound forced. The line "But me telling you I wanna be with you" seems to break the pattern you're trying to go with and it sounds a little awkward. Also, the two lines "When I see you/ My heart sings like it has its own choir" doesn't seem to flow. You should always be careful writing poems with this theme, its difficult to not make them sound cliche. A good way to get used to the flow of poetry is to start writing a poem like a sonnet or a villanelle with a lot of rules. Once you get used to writing in a flow and meter you can start breaking away from poems with set rules. I think it is also important to read a lot of poetry. There's lots of websites online where you can read poems free.
 
I would work on the meter of the poem, some of the lines don't seem to really flow. Poetry shouldn't sound forced. The line "But me telling you I wanna be with you" seems to break the pattern you're trying to go with and it sounds a little awkward. Also, the two lines "When I see you/ My heart sings like it has its own choir" doesn't seem to flow. You should always be careful writing poems with this theme, its difficult to not make them sound cliche. A good way to get used to the flow of poetry is to start writing a poem like a sonnet or a villanelle with a lot of rules. Once you get used to writing in a flow and meter you can start breaking away from poems with set rules. I think it is also important to read a lot of poetry. There's lots of websites online where you can read poems free.
 
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