What do you think of my poem?

rondo

New member
--==I Must See That I Be Forgiven==--

The incumbent dreamer that I am feels broken
Fractured in my smiling coat of heartbreaks
Cold in my broken sleepless dreams
I trample upon them in my sleep, trespassing virgins
Virgins like a bucket of broken hearts
The bucket of heartbreaks rapturing in my hands
By which passing over I can list another lass

I'd contemplate, despite if better my svelte body was a brain
Going blissfully intoxicated, growing vacuous fixated on the pain
Sins stolen like a heartbreak some record sings
Blasting magnitudes of my magnificence to Mars
In my dream most vivid color emancipating;
That I'd make the sniffing of flowers scatter it's scents
To soften the the grievous heinous accusations
Of my soul

Not second in my scape
My fractured dream I to keep the tide at bay
But the cold winter leaks in
Blisteringly repenting in my dark thirst
The frosting blasts of tsunamis rise everywhere
Skyscrapers tumbling inside their wake
From my sleep do I awaken
For I must have been there, I am all over
And it was my dream, I was woken
That I see how the scars by my bucket heal
That I must see that I be forgiven

Green fire is
Burnt but the fields remain supple
And ingrained it will be in their affections
Virgins no more then bent
But broken still the heart beat the bucket has red
And then it must be that it will never miss more then beats
That I have in my bucket, the beat once that is not more
 
This is an interesting poem, along with impeccable vocab; however, there's a couple of things I'd like to point out for you.

1.) "That I'd make the sniffing of flowers scatter it's scents"

You have the wrong word here--it should be "its."

2.) "To soften the the grievous heinous accusations."

Either say heinous or grievous...saying both is verbose, thus, they both represent some sort of an atrocity.

Those were some salient issues I saw, but for the most part, I enjoyed your philosophical poem. You have a way with words, which is something I'm an aficionado of. Keep writing!
 
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