what do you think of my poem? Is it bad, meaningful, good, anything, i need opinions.?

S

Sydney

New member
Does it give you pleasure to rip one apart?
Too many people have forgiven you.
But I can see through your lies,
that leak out the corners of your lips.
You'll always feel superior,
While I feel disappointment.
I pity others,
Who follow your choices.
I learn from your manipulative ways.
You have taught me
the definition of deceptive.
Is this your happiness?
I look at you and see no light.
What’s lurking in the shadows of your heart?
 
Sorry, I don't like it.
You're not using any original metaphors, it's not saying anything new, there's no interesting plot or subtext that I can make out.
The fact of the matter is that writing good poetry doesn't necessarily just come to you. You have to know what you're doing, have intentions, think of new ways to convey old meanings, hold an object up to the light, create news that stays news.
This is just meaningless rambling.
When writing a poem it's always good to write about more than one thing. This seems to be simply about a bad relationship and a duplicitous person. Great poems can create dual contrasting images that seem to have no relation but which lead to greater understanding of both. Great poems take pleasure in the sounds of words, I can't detect any good sounding phrases in this.
Try reading your poetry aloud, that'll help.
Best of luck.
 
Here are some corrections that i think make it sound better. It is just my opinion.

Too many people have forgiven you.
But I can see through your lies,
that leak out the corners of your lips.
You'll always feel superior,
While I feel disappointment.
I pity others,
Who follow your choices.
I learn from your manipulative ways.
I look at you and see no light.
You have taught me
the definition of deceptive.
What is lurking in the shadows of your heart?
 
I think your poem is very, very good. You have good choices of words and thoughts. It reads well.
Excellent job, keep up the good work.
 
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