What do you think of my poem I wrote?

C

Conor

New member
I've previously posted this here... But I feel like it needs something. What would you change?

Black and White

I'm waking up to a black and white room
With a dull lit lamp lighting my moist tomb.
I let the water from my faucet spray
As it rings in my ears, my eyes crack open with the light
And I know it's going to be another day
Of black and white.

And I'll limp, arms stretched, to the barren road
For a spark to brighten the dark commode,
Throwing my cigarette of a life away,
I am flushing it down with damned delight,
And I know it's going to be another day
Of black and white.

I'll grab the keys to my white 90's sedan.
It's black interior is turning tan.
Driving with thousands who slowly decay,
On route to the slowest moments in life.
And I know it's going to be another day
Of black and white.

I'll sit down to recollect, with my time alone,
Dreading like a prisoner, hearing a hang up tone.
Not fear, but dread, about new shades of gray,
Excitement is required for the feeling of fright.
And I know it's going to be another day
Of black and white.

I'm thinking of this day, laying in my bed,
And I'm wondering if I'm better off dead.
But then I thought of living this day,
Like it actually counts on my resume.
And I realize that there's nothing left to lose, it can't get much duller,
So maybe I'll try today,
Like it's splashed with some color.
 
Awww, I love it . I could see everything pictured in my head, its creative and descriptive. My favorite part is the last few lines, " like its splashed with some color" Nicee! ;-)
 
I'd shorten it a little bit. Maybe get rid of the second to last stanza. Other than that I like it. It's easy to understand. I like that it rhymes. Most poems don't rhyme anymore. I like the repetition of the line "Of black and white". That was very good. It made the poem complete. Good work.
 
It's good but kind of depressing... makes you wonder what's wrong, or why it's so sad. Or at least it's that way to me
 
And I realize that there's nothing left to lose, it can't get much duller,
So maybe I'll try today,
Like it's splashed with some color.
-sounds kind of blunt, i get the idea of taking a turn for color but maybe u should make it flow a little more
after lose maybe something like, out of the two colors i only choose
black and white can't get much duller
so maybe i'll try today
like it's splashed with some color
 
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