What do you think about this free verse poem?

K

Kelly M

New member
He rests himself on his feet and tries to balance,
His feelings, his body.
In the whispering shadows she quietly places herself into his vision,
Wishing she was the Russian doll her took apart, her corpse lying on the floor.
His blood is present, whirling like bird wings in a desert storm,
And his skin runs across the snow lathered wooden table, leaving it vacant and bare.
He promised his retreat to answers had been terminated,
This silences her with questions.
As her flaxen body kisses the neutral sheets her eyes become lost in a lost world,
Her mixed up head lies there and his troubled mind lies to her,
She’s much too young for this he says,
And he places a trail on the wooden table,
A trail to find his way back to Russian misery, to loveless bliss.
 
wow, this is really powerful. I'd say to either put it in a center format, which I don't think you can do here, or work on making the lines a little more even.

All in all, powerful poem, nice imagery.
 
I disagree with Mogwei, claiming that 'lost in a lost world' is amateur.

Simplicity often holds the greatest effect and your Poem has certainly affected me, in a beneficial way, of course!
 
I'm new to poetry, but interpreted a recent posting correctly. So, taking the bull by the horns, this reads, to me, about a suicide pact? Or perhaps a Romeo and Juliet scene where Romeo has killed himself thinking Juliet is dead, she wakes up and finds Romeo dead, so does indeed kill herself. Complicated! But that's life.
 
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