Wedding Etiquette opinion

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I can understand why you're feeling upset about not being involved and I'm glad you're feeling happier about this all now :)

Personally I don't think that if you include someone in your wedding, they should have to include you in theirs. Sure it's a nice gesture and I would guess that a lot of people do but I don't think people should have to.

Wedding etiquette is so complicated. I think the best thing is to be supportive of your daughters' involvement and just focus on that rather than dwelling on feeling excluded.


That's great. One of my friends is getting married and I am totally happy with not being a bridesmaid because it means I can just relax and enjoy the day without panicking about tripping up the aisle ;)
 
Yes. It can be. I know that she is going to be getting a lot of flack from other people about other issues, which is why I didn't say anything to her and won't say anything in the future. Thanks for the hug!
 
:hug: I'm glad you're feeling better about it. It's painful dealing with family situations like this one.
 
This is wonderfully said and something I agree with. Thank you.

Well, I do agree. It is about her and it's her day. I just thought we were closer than that- and they are citing "fairness" as the reason- but the simple #'s of it all- 5 people in the wedding party from the groom's side and 3 from the bride's side- is not "fair". Simply adding my husband and I would make it equal.

BUT- honestly I am much better about it now. I think I needed to vent a little. I have not said anything to J and each time we've talked since then I've been supportive and understanding to her. I am actually excited that I get to pick my own dress, because I honestly don't even like the bridesmaid dresses and also I get to pick something that suites me. She wants me to color-coordinate with my youngest daughter which I think is cute and will be fun for her.

Your opinions did help. Thank you for giving it to me straight. There is a lot of other family issues involved that I didn't get into that made this hurt my feelings more than it probably would have without that, just so you know that, too. Which, as Lem said, would definitely cause an unnecessary tiff. I guess my mother-in-law is being a HUGE pain in the behind so I want to rise above it all and not be another one!

Thanks, Andrea for wanting to help!

I do wonder one thing- though. If the groom has ALL his brothers and sister's in the party you don't think it's odd that J's own brother- whom she calls to help her with every little thing- isn't in the party? Just curious. Like I said, my hubby doesn't even care so I would never say anything about that either. I am just curious.
 
I believe that it's important to be forgiving and to focus on the other person's happiness instead of hanging onto personal hurt feelings.

In any case, this is a situation where any number of family members will be affected if there is an unnecessary tiff.
 
Ummm, no. Like Lem said, it isn't about you. It's about her.

For instance, I am my sister's maid of honor but when it comes my turn to get married, she is not going to be mine or even in my wedding party. It's not about fairness, it's about who she wants to be up there helping her celebrate her day.
 
Oh, Gennie, I wish I could help you :hug:. But I don't understand any of that American wedding stuff, bridesmaids and all that. I hope you can work out your feelings about this.

Lem, that answer surprised me :look:. Don't ask me why, I don't know, it just did.
 
This isn't about fairness. And it isn't about you. This is about J's wedding.

Maybe she could have been more sensitive to your feelings and more open about your role (or lack thereof) in the wedding party. But this is her day, and she gets to say what she wants. She doesn't owe you a place in her wedding even though she was in yours. In any case, she has asked your daughters to participate.

If you act angry and hurt, it's not gonna help anyone. And it's just gonna make you miserable.

Show your daughters how a forgiving and wise woman behaves because they will follow your example in their own lives: Respect J's wishes. Keep the peace. Wish the couple happiness. And wholeheartedly share in the joy of the day as a member of the family.
 
I would like to get an opinion from people other than my friends and family. My friends side with me, my “family” (in-laws) side with my sister-in-law. I would like to get someone’s opinion that has no personal connections to either side. I will try to be as impartial as I can in posing the dilemma.

A little background first. I got married 18 years ago. My husband’s sister (J from now on) was my maid of honor. She was 16 at the time.

Now it is finally J’s turn to get married. She just got engaged and is getting married on June 19th. So- she has 5 months to get this all together. My husband and I have two daughters. Ages 16 and 12. J wanted to include them in their wedding so asked my youngest daughter to do a reading and my eldest to be a bridesmaid. During the conversation she kept saying things like “you guys will get a discount on the dress if you get your dresses at (suchandsuch)’s bridal shop”. I assumed I was in the wedding. As she was getting ready to leave she finally addressed my daughter specifically and said “D, you will need to order your dress soon.” said a few other words and left. That is when it struck me as a thunderbolt that I was not in the wedding. I am emotionally wounded and want to know what you all think.

A little more info before you chime in. The groom has three brothers and a sister. J has a brother and a sister. The wedding party is comprising of the following:

Groomsmen- Grooms 3 brothers and best friend
Bridesmaids- J’s sister, best friend, niece and the groom’s sister
(total of four each)

J sensed my disappointment and called my husband to ask why I was upset (don’t know why she didn’t call me). He said it was because I thought I was in the wedding. She said she didn’t ask me because if she did then she would have to ask the groom’s sister-in-law’s to make it “fair”.

My question is this- if she is concerned with “fair” shouldn’t my husband be a groomsman- as the brother of the bride? How is it “fair” that the groom has FIVE people in the wedding party and the bride only has THREE? My husband is also in charge of the bachelor party (since the groom’s family and friends are from out of state) AND is fronting the almost $1,000 it is going to cost to plan said party. My husband, being a guy, is nonplussed and doesn’t care.

I think the “fair” thing to do is just to tack on one more couple to the wedding party- me and my husband- to make the wedding party be five for the groom’s side and five for the bride’s side.

I also think as just basic wedding etiquette that since she was my maid-of-honor that I should be a bridesmaid.

Ok. Chime in. I don’t think I was as impartial as I wanted to be. I am just confused about the supposed “fairness” and it’s apparent lack of.
 
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