Wayward Circuit

A

aivilo37

New member
how does it feel
to hear me sing about all my countless faults
you may realize, though
we all possess our own
held inside airtight walls

define your walk
direct your steps
sell yourself a getaway

realize
it hurts to hold on
release all i never was
all i never had is gone

we're all in some way the same
our faults know all our names
but we don't walk the same way
we all have our own getaways

we run in circles to another place
 
not to bad man, got some solid lines and subject matter. i'll start with criticism first though,

-i dont like that you start with "how does it feel," bob dylan mastered the phrase, try to find a new one.
-the whole first verse actually seems like it could use some more work to flow together coherently

-i do like the part beginning with "realize," it could honestly make for a great chorus
 
Thanks, that's some good advice. I'm thinking I'll probably rewrite the whole first stanza. Any thoughts on the coherency of the message? Is it relatively easy to get something meaningful from it? I've always had problems making the meanings of my lyrics understandable.
 
Instead of trying to force the message in, try using themes that can be interpreted by the listener. Even if they don't interpret it the way you meant it, they still draw something from it.

This one is much better than The Monument. Much easier to follow, but still lacking something. You'll find it though, just keep trying.
 
how does it feel
to hear me sing about all my countless faults
you may realize, though
we all possess our own
held inside airtight walls

The message is clear, but it's a little boring

define your walk
direct your steps
sell yourself a getaway

I really like these lines, the flow is great with the word getaway at the end love it.

realize
it hurts to hold on
release all i never was
all i never had is gone

Interesting lines. What i got from it is "understand what its like to not be yourself." ??? but interesting, it forms questions.

we're all in some way the same
our faults know all our names
but we don't walk the same way
we all have our own getaways

The whole stanza seems like an obvious way to end the poem, and im not convinced you were done writing it. To me, it seems like you were writing and wanted to be done and ths is what came out.

we run in circles to another place

Good line, interesting because most circles end in the same spot, but here we're running in circles and ending other places. i like it.
 
About the chorus, that just kind of came out of nowhere as I was writing. It does pertain to the song, but it is also a piece that the reader can interpret for themselves in the context of the rest of the song (which neeRAB to be tightened up).

I think that last stanza is fine, personally. When I revise the first stanza it should tie in well.

And about the last line, the allegory is meant to be logically followed through. We all have our getaways - we all run in circles to another place. But circles DON'T go to another place, that's impossible. We're lying to ourselves as a getaway from all we never had, and never were (never accomplished).
 
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