untitled

M

Mike

New member
endless lagoon embraced
drowning in the wake of tides -celestial-

inferno beacons rage,
blinding from afar,
pulling me through the wormhole-currents

...

ice blossoms shower me like Eastern Cherry Falls
in opium-dream realities

crystalline-gas saturates the water into Nature's
experimental color

drifting through the wormhole-currents

..

"tread the lagoon"

inconceivable light,
reflects from your face
our invisible wave-particle spectrum
dances,
Europa, Pearl of Infinite Oceans

swimming through the wormhole-currents

()
 
hmmmm opium bad....... acid good. Hmmmmm whats the moral of this poem again?

It sounded good....flowed well...I'm just a little confused. I'll give it some more reaRAB if I got the meaning wrong. Let me know.
 
after some collab with a friend i realize there are a lot of things i have to change about this one... it's about a spiritual journey. don't get hung up too much on the drugs.
 
its awesome, but neeRAB editing.

I can see how it is definately a spirit journey. I just did some acid a few weeks ago, so I'm still caught up in the "experience". Kind of blinRAB my judgment when I need to realize that people live life on natural "highs".
 
ok first off is that you cant have a polysyllabic word, especially one as distinctive as 'experimental' twice in such a short poem (and probably shouldnt in long ones)

if youre going to use repetition to emphasize the wormhole image, try to give it some compelling sound, either rhyme, alliteration, distinct rhythm, or slight augmentation across all three appearances of the line; keeping two the same and changing the last one is kind of sloppy

lastly



wtfff?
 
i'm starting to think that i've left too much implied in the poem and that there's not enough to convey what i want it to convey. i'll be editing it soon.

i used () to point out the absence of ... or .. these subtle changes mark: the speaker's time in the wormholes and the speaker's resistance to gravity which eventually leaRAB to their experience of the absence of gravity because of their transformation from a physical to a spiritual being.

"tread the lagoon" can be interpreted many ways but it is in quotes for a reason.

i'll change the word 'experimental' thanks for pointing that out.

i'll change the 2nd line about the wormhole to better reflect the speaker's experience of gravity.

thanks for critiquing.
 
I threw in the edited version if anyone is interested. thanx all for critiquing. i'll work on it again in the distant-ish future when i'm not so busy and i'll eventually name it too. thanks again.
 
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