W
WorldOfWu
Guest
My Husband Is an Asian American with all American ideas. I don't want to change who he is, but I would like him to know how I would like to be treated as an all Asian wife. If you are American and buy into the thought that Asian men are controlling and abusive to everyone don't answer this. Only people who truly understand Asian culture please.
First part is that he shows anger to easy. In traditional Asian culture this is not see as polite. How do I get him to understand that there are ways of showing dissatisfaction without yelling?
Next is the part of how he deals with me when I tell him something is bothering me that he may be doing without showing my emotion about it. I want to openly talk with him and resolve the problem and move on without him getting in to a yelling fit. How is this done? In Asian culture the problem would be discussed and resolved and then be over. He yells and this causes me to be in tears in frustration at how to get to the goal of resolving the issue.
Another one is his reaction to when I do something he dislikes. He does not just calmly talk about it he get angry and there never seems to be a way to resolve the problem with what I am doing wrong even if I make suggestions.
last one even though there are more. Is how to deal with him when I show emotion. In Asian culture if someone shows anger sadness and sometimes to much joy the thing to do is to calm that person back into a normal state.Example: To much joy someone might say,"I know you are happy and I am happy for you, but lets move on." With sadness someone might say,"I know you are hurt and life hurts sometimes, but something bad happens for only a moment and then it is over. The emotion is what keeps the bad thing going. Don't be sad so the bad moment can be over." Anger is dealt with saying nothing many times. When someone is anger sometimes words help, but many times it must be waited to be passed. If I show sadness often he gets angry and makes me angry for not trying to bring me back to a calm state. After that it seems like a yelling match until I calm my anger and go back to just being sad.
The main thing I am asking is how can I get him to understand that emotions have their time and place. Emotions can not be controlled all the time, but there are times that in Asian culture it needs to be done for the greater good of both people. How do I get him to understand that when dealing with me? I hate seeing him so upset all the time over things that emotions should be controlled to meet a goal together. I have tried explaining this to him and showing him through my own actions how this works, but he seems to totally not get it. I know it is a cultural difference and I have tried to be understanding about this, but it seems to be a big problem in our marriage.
I am talking mostly traditional Chinese. Sorry for leaving out that info. As for the way he acted before we married we both followed traditional Chinese customs when it came to marriage. These means it was between the families. He was rasied by his traditional grandparents. Before our marriage he followed Chinese customs in dealing with me. He did this for almost two years and that is what I believe him to be in reality. Over time I learned his family gave him direction on how to act towards me. Now they nolonger do this, because they do not work in the same place. He is lost on understanding. I have talked with his mother about this problem and how to deal with it and she has tried to explane to him, but he does not understand how to act anymore now that he is not around other Chinese all day. It might seem racist to say this, but maybe I should not be asking a bunch of Americans who are lost in understnding how to deal with American culture leaking into your home via your husband.
Maybe dog lover is right. Maybe I should be asking if this is a normal American thing. I just thought it was because I see husbands and wives act this way in public with each other.
First part is that he shows anger to easy. In traditional Asian culture this is not see as polite. How do I get him to understand that there are ways of showing dissatisfaction without yelling?
Next is the part of how he deals with me when I tell him something is bothering me that he may be doing without showing my emotion about it. I want to openly talk with him and resolve the problem and move on without him getting in to a yelling fit. How is this done? In Asian culture the problem would be discussed and resolved and then be over. He yells and this causes me to be in tears in frustration at how to get to the goal of resolving the issue.
Another one is his reaction to when I do something he dislikes. He does not just calmly talk about it he get angry and there never seems to be a way to resolve the problem with what I am doing wrong even if I make suggestions.
last one even though there are more. Is how to deal with him when I show emotion. In Asian culture if someone shows anger sadness and sometimes to much joy the thing to do is to calm that person back into a normal state.Example: To much joy someone might say,"I know you are happy and I am happy for you, but lets move on." With sadness someone might say,"I know you are hurt and life hurts sometimes, but something bad happens for only a moment and then it is over. The emotion is what keeps the bad thing going. Don't be sad so the bad moment can be over." Anger is dealt with saying nothing many times. When someone is anger sometimes words help, but many times it must be waited to be passed. If I show sadness often he gets angry and makes me angry for not trying to bring me back to a calm state. After that it seems like a yelling match until I calm my anger and go back to just being sad.
The main thing I am asking is how can I get him to understand that emotions have their time and place. Emotions can not be controlled all the time, but there are times that in Asian culture it needs to be done for the greater good of both people. How do I get him to understand that when dealing with me? I hate seeing him so upset all the time over things that emotions should be controlled to meet a goal together. I have tried explaining this to him and showing him through my own actions how this works, but he seems to totally not get it. I know it is a cultural difference and I have tried to be understanding about this, but it seems to be a big problem in our marriage.
I am talking mostly traditional Chinese. Sorry for leaving out that info. As for the way he acted before we married we both followed traditional Chinese customs when it came to marriage. These means it was between the families. He was rasied by his traditional grandparents. Before our marriage he followed Chinese customs in dealing with me. He did this for almost two years and that is what I believe him to be in reality. Over time I learned his family gave him direction on how to act towards me. Now they nolonger do this, because they do not work in the same place. He is lost on understanding. I have talked with his mother about this problem and how to deal with it and she has tried to explane to him, but he does not understand how to act anymore now that he is not around other Chinese all day. It might seem racist to say this, but maybe I should not be asking a bunch of Americans who are lost in understnding how to deal with American culture leaking into your home via your husband.
Maybe dog lover is right. Maybe I should be asking if this is a normal American thing. I just thought it was because I see husbands and wives act this way in public with each other.