Trying to please too many people...

R

RUBAL

New member
There is much whining that follows, you are warned.

OK. I try every day to please my wife. She's not a happy person so this ends in failure more than not. I try to please my best bud, but he's not very happy, and so he's usually pushing for more. I try to please people at work, so it's easier here. At least at work it seems to work pretty well. I try to please my other friends, but between work, wife, and bud, I don't get to see them enough. I feel like I spend all my time trying to please other people, and it gets old sometimes. I've tried just pleasing myself, and it ended in dismal failure. So I do my best. Example....

My bud calls and wants to see me some time this week, more than our usual Tuesday night. (Tuesday is bud and group of friends night) I really only get to see my wife on Thursday and Sunday, because of my work, and the fact that I actually get to go out both Tuesday and Wendsday nights. So I feel I have a nice balance, but my wife and my bud are always trying for more. So he wants me to see if I can get my wife to let him come over thursday, since she usually goes to bed at 9pm, and just hang out playing games or something. My wife is pissed at some work shit (who isn't?) and so she's pissed I even asked. So I talk to her, and I really don't want her to be mad, so I say No Prob. Thursdays are right out and sorry for even asking. So I ask her if I can go hang out after I get off work at 11pm on Sat night because she's asleep anyhow. She's sorta ok with that. So I think, "well at least I can get a few hours to please the bud, while not screwing my wife out of our nights." So he's pretty good with it, but I can tell he's sad it wont be as long as Thur. would have been.

I get this all the time. I know I'm nice and all, but damn. My other friends always invite me places, but I just never have enough time for extra. I'm too busy trying to please the wife and bud to possibly do anything else with anyone. It's like having a wife and a girlfriend, but not getting Sex from either! (My wife occasionally is in the right mood for sex, and I don't want to have sex with my bud in any case but you get the drift I hope.)

Do you ever feel like there just isn't enough of you to go around?
 
heh, i know what you mean. last summer between work, school, and friends, everyone was always mad cuz i didnt have "enough time" for them. you cant please them all. if they confront you on it, just explain to everyone that you really enjoy the time you spend together and make the best of it, but you have alot on your plate and can't dedicate all the time in the world to them. you might not want to use those exact words on your wife (or bud, for that matter), but it'd be good to let them know that. Telling the person that you have a problem with them is the first step to fixing it.
 
dude relationships require work in order to succeed but its ridiculous you feel obligated. when it gets to this point, you should spend more time w/ your other friends. meanwhile hopefully your bud/wife will miss tbe quality time you had been spending together and be happy w/ that. or you could bring them (wife and bud) along to friendly gatherings. this way you can make everyone happy.
 
Follow ggw's advice, she said pretty much all that needs to be said.

Think about your priorities and how much time you're spending on each compared to how much YOU would like to be spending. Don't do everything you do for someone else. I know how it *usually* is for you, I'm the same way. But if need be, break up your day to your priorities before hand. Don't ask your wife, tell her what you're doing. Don't ask your buddy, tell him too. Make the decisions yourself, for yourself, based on what YOU want to do.
 
..oh and i forgot to add that spending time (away from your bud and wife) w/ your friends might be surprising in that you may find yourself bored to death or something. resulting in an appreciative & less obligatory attitude towards your wife and bud.

:thumb2:
 
I kinda get what you mean because I usually try to be a nice guy to many people, but with me I will help and try to please them but only if it doesnt interfere with my own happiness. What's the point of life if you only work for others and never get to find your own happiness? Personally I think you should just say "Not tonight" to either your buds or your wife once in a while and go have some fun. You might feel a little bad about it but do you really think you'll be happy doing what your doing now for the rest of your life?
 
Thanks for all the detailed replies. I did some soul searching and I've found out that for the vast majority of the time, making people I care about happy is my life. I like having a good time, and if that requires me helping other people to have a good time, well then that's just the way it is.

I realized I have it pretty good as far as having plenty of people to do stuff with all the time, I was just missing the alone time I had once in the past.
 
Good to hear you've realized it's just who you are instead of making drastic decisions to change it. If more people would think things through before acting on temporary emotions, we'd have alot more lasting and enduring relationships; both friendships and companionships.
 
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