Trying to be helpful a bad idea?

N

Nicholas A

New member
I went to my counselor a couple days ago. He caught me in a pretty bad mood...I was waken up shortly before leaving, spaced out in the car(I went with my mom on this occasion), and seriously depressed through a good portion of the meeting. When I got to a point where I could talk, I asked if I'm supposed to just not care about my friends, not try to help them with their problems at all. He replied with "the last one". Apparently I have no right to try and help my friends with their problems and I have to let them make all their own decisions in life. Now, partially I can agree with this...but I don't know, I'm not really so sure. It pains me to see my friends doing some shit that's going to fuck them up. I was kind of undecided on where to stand with that comment so I decided to put up a thread here to get some input.
 
it depends doing there homework is not "helping" them in the long term

its just bailing them out so yes help them but dont bail them out from their mistakes like cleaning out an atic that would be helping

being a conatct thingy ona job aplication that helps
 
I'm not entirely sure where to stand either, lamp. But I say (my suggestion if you really want it) that you should intervene to a certain degree, but if they don't listen to you or fuck you over or something, just let them make their own mistake and deal with the consequences.
You can't be responsible for them, even if they are your friends, and I applaud you for trying to help them. It's kind'a like a swim or sink thing for them after a certain point.

Just trying to help, :) hopefully my advice is useful to you, whether you take it or not.
 
Basically I wholeheartedly disagree with your therapist. I've not had any 'clinical' mental problems as such, but I've been pretty screwed up from time to time, and the thing that got me through it was focussing on other people's problems, offering counsel etc, mostly to distract myself from my own problems, but in doing so I gained an insight into my own situation. In helping them, I helped myself.

So yes, do offer them advice, but be prepared for it to be resisted, or even outright rejected, especially if your friends' problems stem from emotion (eg. relationship issues, addictions, etc) instead of faulty logic. Even though they are your friends, they can still get offended by what you say (naturally, if their current thought process is being challenged, the first thing they'll do is go on the defensive.)

Also remember, that by judging other people by your own standards, you are harming the relationship, rather than helping it. For example, by reading your posts it is clear to see you are not at all keen on alcohol. This is fair enough, and it is true what you say that logically speaking, consuming vast quantities of alcohol to the point of nausea is abhorrent. However, humans are rarely logical creatures, and everyone has their own weaknesses. In this situation both parties have to work together to come to some sort of compromise that will be beneficial to both parties

For example, let's say one of your friends constantly gets drunk and acts like a douchebag whenever you go to hang out. Telling him/her to stop drinking completely will be pointless at best. If you could persuade him/her to drink less or get drunk less often, then you both have a partial win. He still gets to drink, and you get the satisfaction of knowing you've helped him while keeping the friendship intact.

I've gone completely off on a tangent so I'll stop now. I hope this helps.
 
Personally, I think this doc's either a fucking retard or a fucking genius.

Right now, I have a friend who works in a shoe store. He claims he's going to drop out of community college and work for a living. He says all this shit, "I'm gonna move out, I'm gonna get my own car, I'm gonna...etc." This pains me like no other. But no matter how much I try to talk him out of it, he just won't listen. And the fact that his retarded, naive girlfriend keeps backing him up on everything, instead of thinking first doesn't help the situation at all.

I want to, and do, tell him he's doing the wrong thing and that he should go back to school, buckle down, get some good marks, and settle with a decent career. To him, however, it's all gibberish.
 
Lamp, he's right. I hope he elaborated more though. You can't control other people. You can give them advice or be there when they need you. When you see them making mistakes, give them your input and concerns. They will either listen or not. If they don't, they aren't wanting to or ready to. You can't make people do anything that they are not willing to do. You will just drive yourself crazy trying. It will be rough to see it happening if they continue to do the wrong things, but again, if they won't listen, there's nothing else you can do.

You can exert a LOT of energy and heartache worrying about others too much. Again, be their friend but DON'T be a doormat. People inadvertingly drain others with their problems. Don't enable them to continue to weigh so heavily on you for their "strength" or "voice of reason", etc... In fact, many people continue to make the wrong choices or remain apathetic to their issues as long as others are giving them attention (this is often subconscious). It's not until everyone else has left them alone and forced them to deal with their problems that they finally face them.

I can't say stop worrying, because as a friend, you will. Just stop letting it get you so down. If people had the power to change the way people think and act, well, it would be a scary place to live. :)
 
I applaude the effort at trying to help, that's what friends are for, right? Friendly advice is always good, if they don't follow it, at least you did attempt to help. Perhaps you could get into the possible outcomes of the actions they are wanting to take, and the outcomes of something different that could be equally or possibly more beneficial to him/her. Thankfully, you aren't dealing with your friend contemplating suicide or doing cocaine, which I would personally step in a bit further.
 
I think the difference is trying to give people advice and molding them, or at least people need to learn the difference, all you can do is give people advice, and let them take it or not, when people give other people advice, and expect them to take it and use what they said in every aspect then that's where they're going wrong.
Like Shishio said, you gave them advice, and that's the best you tried and helped, and if they choose not to take it and fall flat on their backs, that was THEIR choice, and their mistake.

(Not saying this in direction to anyone, BTW.)
 
Well, that's pretty much what I've been doing. I offer my advice, but I can only offer advice for so long. With most of my friends I still like them as people. I think due to recent events only one of my friends has been lost, but that's okay. New people come around. He didn't say anything about offering advice, but when he was telling me this, I was in no mood to put up any kind of a fight or bring up an argument anyway. Of course, maybe that was a key detail. Something I probably should have pieced together myself before making this thread.
 
Hey lamp, I will share some of my exp with you on helping your friends.

Before I joined the navy, I had a bunch of friends that were all into heavy drugs. I spent 2 years getting them to stop using the rough shit, and got sevral to stop compleatly. I couldn't help some of them, so I stoped hanging out with them. My thought was if they will not try and slow down, they will drag me down with them.

I tryed to help 8 guys. I got 3 to stop. When I was in A school, I receved a phone call from a close friend who told me that one of the guys I was helping drowned in his bath tub wile on meth. I got him to stop, but after I left, he went right back to it.

I won't say don't help your friends, I think that is wrong, but I sgree with the limit idea. There is only so much that is considered help. I hope everything works out.
 
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