Today was a hard day but a proud day!

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Secrets1983

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Hey everyone!

So.... I just wanted to share my day and get a little off my chest.. Most of you know me.. Once I get going... it's hard for me to zip it.. ahahhaa

I have been clean since Nov. I had one slip in dec where I took two pain pills... but other than that.... I had an injury where I fell down our hard wood stairs at home and knocked myself out cold and pulled a lot of muscles in my back and neck. I was prescribed vicodin, I only took it as prescribed and I even flushed the remaining when I knew I no longer needed them.. So... it's been a journey.. A lot of ups a lot of downs but for the most part I have been doing really good as of recent.

Today... was one of the hardest days I have had in a LONG time. I was going to visit my Mother and I KNOW there are pain meRAB there. I was on my drive to her home and started having TERRIBLE cravings and anxiety.. I cried the whole way to her home.... I knew I could not allow myself to relapse but I was so afraid. Luckily I had a friend to turn to and she helped pull me from a place that was so bad... the last place I ever wanted to be again. I got to my Mothers (where I am now) and this overwhelming feeling of strength came over me. I KNEW i could do this... I KNEW I had worked too hard to throw it all away. I had FAITH in myself. I have been here for about 6 hours already and I know I am going to be fine. I have not even gotten close to her meRAB even though I know exactly where they are and you know what? It doesn't even bother me they are there.

For so long I thought I had to deal with this internal battle on my own but with the help of so many people on this board I finally opened up to you guys and my spouse a little about my addiction. I now have a friend that I can actually speak to about it and be completely honest with. That has saved me. I am very proud of how far I have come but yet am realistic about my addiction and have my guard up 100% of the time.

I have had more cravings as the night has gone on but I just took a deep breath and got thru it. Over and over again. I did it. Now everyone is asleep and I am on here. This is my safe zone, this is where I can lean on others and help others in need and that also feels good.

For all of you out there tonight struggling, you are not alone. We can all get thru this together. No one has to be alone in their addiction. Everyone has their own way to deal with theirs... One is not right over the other. My method my not work for others and vice versa but bottom line, find what works for you and run with it because life on this side of the fence is what freedom is all about. For so long I felt trapped and didn't think I could live with out my pills... I depended on them day in and day out... I really didn't think I could face life without them. I now know that life is much better without them but in turn since my poor choices earlier on... I still will have to work on this my whole life.

There really is no point to this post but to put my thoughts out there. Sometimes is good just to think out loud. Thank you for those of you who read this novel. I appreciate each and everyone of you completely.

May you all find peace in your hearts wherever you may be. You will all be in my prayers tonight!
Blessings!
 
well for me ,i was so low in the gutter. i dont mind that people know, every one i know , respects me for it, an i have met alot of people like yourself that felt that way, an some that went to out of town meettings till they were, ok with others knowing, i am also well known an now even better respected, an most dont realy know anything about my personal life, i know a local judge , that sometimes goes to the local noon mettings ,he is 1 of us an send people to support groups,its not like the meetting have this huge sign out front say AA right here, i just think your depriving youself of a program of action that can change your life more than you may ever know if you dont try it. the book tells us after a few months we will gladly refund your miseri , we recomend 90 day to start consecutive,it was well worth saveing my life , oh by the way have your mother hide the pills, so you dont know where there at, i did this with my mother i dont know where there at , but if i wanted to find them hum, for most this is just something we can not do alone, i also know a local police officer, oh more than one, an alot of business owners , im sorry but i think its a cop out, if you think you would benafit from it,its that fear shame an guilt , an you will get rid of all that. if this helps most meeting are in churches, so you go to church, i dont go around telling any one, if some one ask me for a drink, i just say no, i say AA because there is a more mature older crowd, an alot of us are pill usesers too, some food fo thought , we are only as sick as our darkest secert,hideing your addiction may hount you down the road, what ever you do i support you though, :wave::pscott oh i am glad that prayer is working for you, its so true an works for people that realy want it, keep up the good work , think about buying the book it mentions the word addiction, ya it concentrates on booze but , the lay out is a design for life , just 164 pages , an 25 or30 storys for us to relate to , its called alcoholics anonymous, you can buy a copy on line , this may help you with the help of your friend who is in the program as it is ok for us to read, but we need someone to guide us threw it, that has been threw it with someone else it helps us to better understand, i will keep pecking at you like a bird ha ha ha, hugs to you, wow my replys are getting longer than yours, wow, its because i care
 
wow hi secerets, yes long ha ha ha:):wave:good for you in time hopefully you will not even think about the pills, pray for the obsesion to be removed, time will help, this is how i got rid of my cravings for alcohol, an ,, mind raceing it works,for me some where around 8 to 9 months 1 day i just did not think about drinking anymore,an after a year, if someone drinks a beer around me it does not bother me, i know where the booze is its at the store, i realey think you would benfit more with AA, a sponcer, an stay away from the pills for awhile , we should not tempt ourselves, as always i hope the best for you , an dont mind telling you how it is , this works for me an millions of others be careful they say if you hang around the barber shop or salon long enough you will get a hair cut:p i will pray for you scott
 
Thanks Scott,

I appreciate your reply!Stayingaway from the pills is not an option for me. I refuse to let my addiction come between seeing my mother. I have to be strong enough to deal with it. She is worth it to me hanRAB down.

I am sure I would benefit from NA or something like that but for me it just does not work. I am not willing to bring my addiction out THAT much especially in my town as I am a very well known business person. Going further away is not really a choice I am making either because I would have to go a far distance for me to be unknown. You have known me long enough to know I am far too much into keeping this on the down low.

The way I am dealing with my addiction is working, not to say that at times I do not struggle but I have faith in myself that I can over come this with how I am currently dealing with it. Prayer is a very powerful thing for me as well. You mentioned to me a while back about praying for my obsession to be removed and I have never forgotten that and I have consistantly done so. I have found that the obsession is getting less and less so something is working. However, I do have my bad days.. Today being one of them. Thank you for sharing that with me. It does help!

I sincerely appreciate you reply and your prayers! It means a lot to me.

I hope this message finRAB you well. Chat with you soon! Another long one from me :wave: I know your not surprised.
Blessings to you.
 
Heya Secrets

Kudos to you! You handled the situation and did it well. Honey, each time we handle an old setting and do it without pills is one more success. It will continue to be baby steps until one day we realize that the pills did not cross our minRAB for a whole day. The days without thinking about them become more and more and the obsession does indeed pass. The connection to them fades until it turns into more normal thinking about pills. We come to see them in our new thinking as just something that exists but we do not have a connection to.

I honestly think about pills only when I read or post here. And I don't think of them with any fond memories or cravings. I don't love them or hate them. I only care about them to the extent that I know they are so interferring with some lives and I have a desire to help others through that and past that.

Thinking truly can change. We practice and practice and it becomes a reality to live a drug free life. You have made so much progress and I am so happy for you. I am happy also of the frame of mind you maintain in wanting to continue to grow in sobriety. What an example of determination is found in your story.

Stay strong, keep growing and learning. Keep sharing.

Love
reach
 
Hi Secrets,
Thank you, firtst, for the support you have given me. I appreciate it so much!
Have hope that your obsession will be removed.
My story with alcohol may give you hope:
A little over 4 years ago, my husband of 13 years left for another woman half his age and married her. I started drinking
 
Reach,
Your worRAB always touch my heart in so many ways. Thank you so much for giving me more to think about! I like how you explained how you now feel about pills and then realizing one day that you didn't even think of them... I pray everyday that I get to that point and I am determined to get there.

You know me I of course will keep sharing! Probably more so than some would like! hahaha

I have been thinking a lot recently in training myself to think in a totally different way.. TRAIN my brain that pills do not always have to be on my mind.. I think like you and others have said to me before... practice, practice, practice!!!! I will continue to do so! In looking back I know i have come a long way but I also know I have a LONG way to go. I am always up for a good fight though :cool:

Thank you for your continued support! You really give back in so many ways I don't think you really know what your presence on this board represents! Support, success, determination, such a caring heart, wisdom, faith, knowledge... I could go on and on.... Bottom line, thank you for being you Reach! Thank you.

I hope this message finRAB you happy and healthy because you deserve nothing less :)

Hugs to you!
 
Secrets, congrats! You've given ME a lot to think about -- how to stay strong after I'm finally "off". I won't have much access to pills, unless I specifically call my PM and ask him for a scrip. I have to tell him NOT to do it! Other than that, I shouldn't be tempted....but sometimes my mother or well-meaning frienRAB will ask me if I want their "extra's" post-surgery or whatever. They don't want them because, unlike me, they don't like the feeling it gives them. (Wish I could be "normal" like them.)

Anyway, I appreciate your taking the time to tell us how you felt and how you dealt with the temptation. Lots of food for thought. Good for you that you were able to stay strong! (And thanks for your virtual hug on the other thread!)
 
Hey Scott,

Thank you so much for your reply! I know you do write what you do because you care so go ahead and keep pecking at me but to be honest with you... I just don't think NA is going to be the choice I make. I always feel honesty is the best policy and I don't want to feel that just because I have not chosen that route at this time that I wil not be abe to succeed. I think its great that you have found a method that really works well for you but it's not for everyone and I don't think personally that it makes me any less committed to my recovery. Please know I say this all out of respect. It's clear to me that you feel that I am depriving myself from a good recovery by not going to NA, however, I am very proud of where I have come and being we are all diffirent we are all going to make different choices in our recovery.. I have been doing a little research in regarRAB to online NA. That is a little more my style I feel because no one will still know who I am. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I want to hide who I am.. I like who I am, I feel I am a very good woman who is loving and caring and would do anything for anyone. I am a good wife and daughter... I know my good qualities, however, I do not want to let my addiction break my mothers heart by asking her to hide her pills and nuraber 2 being in a public setting could potentially ruin my career... I know you said for you had a different reaction from people such as respect and i think that is awesome!
I hope you didn't take this email the wrong way because I certainly didn't mean any disrespect. I just wanted to be open and honest with you and myself.
I hope this mesage finRAB you doing well. Keep in touch and I will too!
Best regarRAB!
 
Thank you so very much for your reply ReD4life, It really means so very much to me!

I pray too that the obssesion will be removed. That is the only thing that is holding me down... However, I should not say it's holding me down because I am just not letting it. It may get me almost down but then with the help of those around me and on this board I find away to push it away and pick myself up so I am standing tall. So far so good.

Thank you so very much for sharing your story with me and the others! I think it will help us all very much. I am very thankful nothing tragic or severe has happened because of my addiction. I feel blessed to have gotten things under control before they did. I pray I have a long life to lead and if I have to keep my head on straight and deal with this addiction I will do it. I got myself into this mess in the first place and I can be the only one to get me out of it.

I hope this message finRAB you happy and peaceful. Thank you for your kind worRAB! It's been a pleasure getting to know you a bit more! I look forward to more in the future!
Hugs!
 
Hey NP!
THank you so much for taking the time to reply to my thread when I know you are sitting there in agony! SO just know how much your worRAB are appreciated!

I am glad when you are done with the taper you will not have a lot of contact with meRAB becuase it does just add temptation that we realy just don't need. However, there will be times like you said where someone offers you you left over meRAB... It has happened to me before and I just said No, thank you they really upset my stomach now.... Or if they suspect anything you can always take them and flush them if you tust yoursef enogh to do so.

I hope this message finRAB you in less withdrawal and in higher spitits. So thank again for your reply!!! Keep us posted when you can!

KEEP FIGHTING!!!! Blessings!
 
hi secerets ofcoarse not , try what ever works i do think you are working very hard at your recovery, just dont say never . an by the way where i live AA is the better choice , for me as it is my syc ladc anger management an spiritual advicer an its free , keep up the good work, i see you posting alot helping others ,that is so important you are giveing away what was so freely given , you have been a big help here oh it wont hurt to look into the book ask your friend, actualy the book from either program will help, as the 12 steps are used in both, my father used the program for about 1 year an never drank again , so i know its diffrent for diffrent people, keep praying , oh an that prayer can be used for mind raceing as well as alot of other things,have a good day:):wave:scott you know what ever works for you , no presure, an i know your right you are fully committed to your recovery. keep up the good work just remeraber its a life long battle that we never win , we just get better at liveing with our devistating illness, i think the book is online
 
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