To all you fucking idiot drivers...

C

Corgi Girl

New member
Cliff Note Verison: Stupid Jesus freak tried to kill me on my way to work.


I know you want to kill me. I do. I'm okay with that. However, you are going about it all wrong. Instead of letting me see you be an idiot, you should just wait and I don't know... slam on your breaks while I'm behind you going 70 mph. Of course, I will be inserted anally but I'm pretty sure I couldn't breath enough quality air to sustain me long to get my head pried out of your colon.

Yes, yes... I seen your stupid ass. Though I must say, I wasn't paying very close attention at first. I did have my stereo turned up to the hilt, my hands tapping the steering wheel in the beat with a little head jive as I was singing at the top of my lungs "I want to be your underwear" with Bryan Adams. That song is very much a pleasant distraction and my imagination does some wild shit when listening to that song.

So when you started to swerve over in my lane as I was fixing to pass your ass in the fast lane because you weren't going the speed limit, I had enough reaction time left to slam on my breaks before looking in my rear view mirror to see if someone was fixing to be inserted anally into me. I lucked out that time. Fucker!

I, then, noticed the truck you were driving. Yes, I did. It is now forever ingrained in my memory.

A gawd damn jesus freak! I might have been mildly entertained by the stupid shit you had on your back windshield but I was really thinking I was going to follow your shit and punch you in the face as soon as you stopped. Well, until I seen what a fucking idiot you truly were and then I knew it wouldn't do me much good.

I decided to read the drivel you had splayed for all the world to see. Something about working for GOD, the benefits being good and the retirement plan. Okay, lets think about this for a minute. I'm sure that's too long for your fucking attention span seeing as how you can't fucking stay on the GAWDDAMN road for dipping your head over in the passenger seat like a fucking jack-in-the-box that keeps getting wound tighter and tighter but lets try.

Working for God pays my bills how? Is God going to drop, I don't know, a free pass on all bills in my lap merely because I put a sign up on my rear windshield saying, "I work for God!"????? Looks like if God paid well, you'd have a grill, front bumper and a fender on that piece of shit you are driving, don't ya think?

Now about these benefits. How does one get them to cover medical, dental, and life? OH! Wait! Excuse me. It only covers Life but doesn't really pay out anything to cover the funeral costs or lets see any of the other bills that might help my loved ones out after I'm six feet under. I'm doubting this course of application to appeal to others. I think God needs to rework his benefits plan. Perhaps, he should consult Obama. He "says" he has the plan.

Finally, retirement. DUDE! Do you know what that means exactly? Seriously. Oh, yeah. I can just see it now. "Yo God, I'm ready to retire. Hook me up!" Boom, your a dead carcass. What the fuck!?!? NO, really. You cash in on that you just fucked yourself. I don't see long cruises or sitting on the beach watching hotties in thongs bend over in my future. Nah, I don't want to miss out on feeling some some hot tight assed cabana boy in the roasting of my wrinkling flesh while enjoying my golden years.

Unless! Unless, there's free love in heaven. Now if you are saying that it's a free for all in heaven and God is like, "Yeah, fuck my angels to your hearts content. They are here for your every whim and desire." (I so hear that in a Charlie voice from Charlie's Angels.) count me in. God know's I'd love to see his penor. Hell, I'd even offer to include Jesus because from everything I've ever read that poor boy got it stuck to him more than he ever got to stick anyone. He might learn a thing or two. I've often wondered what God's orgasm must be like to experience.

I'm sure you were on a divine mission sent from God and your dumb ass failed, again. I wonder if you have to do penace of some sort? If so, I hope it's with a spike up your ass for trying to kill me.

[Side note to God]

If you are still listening to me after all these years of me continually taking your name in vain and you sent said dumbass jesus freak to kill me, then you should know I truly believe that every time I scream out, "Oh, GOD!" in response to those grandiose orgasmic pleasures I null those out into the great void. So, if you will just make sure I have many more "O's" coming my way, I will be more than happy to sing your praise with much glory and satisfaction... along with some much liked and needed sedation.

Also, some advice... I would pick some more intelligent fuckers to do your bidding.
 
IF I slam on my breaks at 70 mph, either a kid jumped in front of the car or you are riding my ass.

God's always listening. But just because someone has God stickers on their rig, doesn't mean God likes them very much.

Next time, hit them. If they have insurance and they swerved in front of you, its their fault. New car time!
 
Uh, yeah. My ass was one with the drivers seat. I can tell you.


DG, he apparently had nothing because the freak didn't even have a bumper, grill or fender on what he was driving. Otherwise, I would have loved to send him my medical bills.
 
My biggest peeves about driving are either...

A) People talking/texting while driving.
B) Not signaling and trying to ram me off the road when they are in front of me and don't fucking use their mirrors which obviously have no purpose.
C) What Lioness said. :yeahthat:

An ABC list because number lists are too common. Lol.

Once, there was some 16 year old boy in front of us at a stop light. As we approached the light was red. As it turned red, he began to drive into the four way intersection he was supposed to be stopping at. Just as that was happening, he was on his phone, totally not fucking paying any mind. 2 cars ALMOST slammed into him, but stopped just short. So what does he do? Kicks it into reverse and almost backs into us. (We were still sitting in the same spot.)

We roll down the windows and yell, "GET OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONE." He simply just looks back at us with a "WTF" expression. Like "Why should I?" And ignores us. Then, I guess he was going the same way as us, because both of our cars ended up on the same highway, where he didn't signal and almost crashed into ANOTHER car.

Because his phone call was that fucking important it couldn't wait and he couldn't park to talk.
 
I might use my phone while driving, but I always pay enough attention to what's around me to know what's going on. There's been at least a couple times where I just drop my phone so I can totally focus on what's around me and take complete control of the car. At the same time, just doing that requires having at least a basic knowledge of what's going on around you in the first place.

Overall though, drivers these days do suck.
 
I don't talk on the phone driving and I don't text on the phone driving. That shit isn't going to happen. I've had too many close calls because others were.
 
I had a fun driving experience recently. Me and the boy were in the passing lane on the freeway, to let someone merge on since there wasn't very much room elsewhere. A white truck speeds up to the left of us (passenger side--we're in Australia), and the guy is yapping on his phone. Without signaling he suddenly starts merging into our lane, without even looking. He gets less than a half a foot away from us before he realizes what's happening, and the boy swerves out of the lane to avoid getting hit.

I hate morons who don't know how to drive properly, it's one of my biggest pet peeves. Especially ones on the phone, and that don't SIGNAL or even LOOK before they merge.
 
My sentiments exactly. I am such a cautious driver for a few reasons. The first one being that: I DON'T WANNA DIE. And the second one is because... I don't have a license... And an illegal car... I sure as HELL don't wanna get pulled over.
 
LOL Klaskah! You're just the type of person I don't like being out there. Unlicensed and uninsured.

Personally, I find that by driving somewhat aggresively, I can stay out of trouble quite well. I've also found alot of times that if a situation gets a little touchy, it's quite often better just to nail the gas and get outta there, instead of slamming the brakes.
 
I'll admit that I used to text while driving, but after my accident I'm not trying to nearly die again, so I'm not gonna do it anymore...though I can text without looking at my phone, QWERTY keyboard phones ftw.
 
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