needful thing
New member
Barely
I
Barely a furlong away
A Zephyr’s breath a whisper
You sleep like a cat curled content
Dreaming dreams that only a feline dreams
Hush it is a secret
And I a furlong away
Downwind alone in an unfamiliar room
Exhausted, awake and missing a touch
A hand a hug a desire
So sweet
Hush it is a secret.
The half moon says it is half past two of the clock
But I hear no bell
I do not think I will sleep tonight
When Aurora blushes the morning sky I think that I will stay in bed all day
And watch amorphous shadows transit the walls.
I listen to music to soothe myself,
Cradle myself in a lullaby of sound
And yearn, mourn grieve, scream, cry, die.
I do not love you, hush, hush it is a secret
I crawl back into my bed small frightened alone and cannot sleep.
I have buried myself deep.
II
Living is hard
Reliving is worse.
I remember the pain or a child forced
A child fondled groped
And four in the backseat of a car taking turns
And fifty more the same.
A walking, talking sex machine
A vessel a receptacle for male pleasure and
Their
Filth, still contaminates me.
Hush, hush it is a dirty little secret
I do not love you.
I remember at 10
Strapping my breasts with a bandage out of shame to be
An androgynous, asexual thing.
And the fear and shame that a period brings
The kind family doctor
Who spoke of me as a fat menstruating girl
Kindly sending me to a psychiatrist at thirteen.
Hush, hush it is a shameful secret.
It is not fair of me to burden you with my pain.
Pain is contagious and I am a carrier.
Do you curse me under your breath?
You cannot help me
You have your own pain to bear.
And mourn and let go
And heal.
Do I frighten you with mine?
Hush, hush it is your secret.
I cannot love you.
III
I do not have a home
A place where I can go
And sit and say
I’m glad that’s over
And relax
And let go
Let’s go
Let it all go.
I cannot love anyone.
IV
I can hear the water birds calling for their mate
Like you call for yours
And I mine.
Whoever they may be.
Or are they leaving because winter is here
And their children are gone and forgotten long summer since.
Do they mate for life like the wolf?
Like marriage is supposed to be.
What on earth was God thinking when he created lust?
Why did He create in us a desire that enslaves us with a need
For that thing that the poets and priests call Love?
Hush, hush it is a heavenly secret.
V
I have buried myself so deep I do not know who I am anymore but
I remember the feel of a steel-capped boot in my face and
My eyes swelling shut.
The crunching of bones as my body hit the wall the
Blood on my face and the
Gun to my head the bruising that kept me from sleep
And the release of the gush of bright red blood
As the artery was severed and my family shutting
The door in my face and walking naked
Out into the cold with nothing
But red socks and blanket with nowhere to go.
With only the scars on my arms to remind me
Hush, hush it is a family secret.
VI
I have never felt such darkness
One cannot love me or give me promise of the thing so why do I mourn
For something I know nothing of.
Forgive me.
You held me like my father did
But he is dead and in out last embrace
Rigor had already claimed him.
But you were warm and vibrant and alive and I
Could actually feel.
Something.
I stood near your door I was going to say I’m sorry
But too late I think so I walked three miles and it
Rained and rained
My shoe broke and I ached all over next day.
You do not look at me and if by chance
Our paths should meet
I wonder what you see
Would you like to exorcise me?
Do you hate, despise, detest me?
I cannot love;
Are you cold a frozen like Daddy?
Hush, hush
It is a secret
Between you and me.
Rowena Sweeney
I
Barely a furlong away
A Zephyr’s breath a whisper
You sleep like a cat curled content
Dreaming dreams that only a feline dreams
Hush it is a secret
And I a furlong away
Downwind alone in an unfamiliar room
Exhausted, awake and missing a touch
A hand a hug a desire
So sweet
Hush it is a secret.
The half moon says it is half past two of the clock
But I hear no bell
I do not think I will sleep tonight
When Aurora blushes the morning sky I think that I will stay in bed all day
And watch amorphous shadows transit the walls.
I listen to music to soothe myself,
Cradle myself in a lullaby of sound
And yearn, mourn grieve, scream, cry, die.
I do not love you, hush, hush it is a secret
I crawl back into my bed small frightened alone and cannot sleep.
I have buried myself deep.
II
Living is hard
Reliving is worse.
I remember the pain or a child forced
A child fondled groped
And four in the backseat of a car taking turns
And fifty more the same.
A walking, talking sex machine
A vessel a receptacle for male pleasure and
Their
Filth, still contaminates me.
Hush, hush it is a dirty little secret
I do not love you.
I remember at 10
Strapping my breasts with a bandage out of shame to be
An androgynous, asexual thing.
And the fear and shame that a period brings
The kind family doctor
Who spoke of me as a fat menstruating girl
Kindly sending me to a psychiatrist at thirteen.
Hush, hush it is a shameful secret.
It is not fair of me to burden you with my pain.
Pain is contagious and I am a carrier.
Do you curse me under your breath?
You cannot help me
You have your own pain to bear.
And mourn and let go
And heal.
Do I frighten you with mine?
Hush, hush it is your secret.
I cannot love you.
III
I do not have a home
A place where I can go
And sit and say
I’m glad that’s over
And relax
And let go
Let’s go
Let it all go.
I cannot love anyone.
IV
I can hear the water birds calling for their mate
Like you call for yours
And I mine.
Whoever they may be.
Or are they leaving because winter is here
And their children are gone and forgotten long summer since.
Do they mate for life like the wolf?
Like marriage is supposed to be.
What on earth was God thinking when he created lust?
Why did He create in us a desire that enslaves us with a need
For that thing that the poets and priests call Love?
Hush, hush it is a heavenly secret.
V
I have buried myself so deep I do not know who I am anymore but
I remember the feel of a steel-capped boot in my face and
My eyes swelling shut.
The crunching of bones as my body hit the wall the
Blood on my face and the
Gun to my head the bruising that kept me from sleep
And the release of the gush of bright red blood
As the artery was severed and my family shutting
The door in my face and walking naked
Out into the cold with nothing
But red socks and blanket with nowhere to go.
With only the scars on my arms to remind me
Hush, hush it is a family secret.
VI
I have never felt such darkness
One cannot love me or give me promise of the thing so why do I mourn
For something I know nothing of.
Forgive me.
You held me like my father did
But he is dead and in out last embrace
Rigor had already claimed him.
But you were warm and vibrant and alive and I
Could actually feel.
Something.
I stood near your door I was going to say I’m sorry
But too late I think so I walked three miles and it
Rained and rained
My shoe broke and I ached all over next day.
You do not look at me and if by chance
Our paths should meet
I wonder what you see
Would you like to exorcise me?
Do you hate, despise, detest me?
I cannot love;
Are you cold a frozen like Daddy?
Hush, hush
It is a secret
Between you and me.
Rowena Sweeney