The Great MIL Debate?

[A. Nonymous]

My husband and I have been together for seventeen years and his mother and therefore family have never liked me. There is a heated battle between me & her every couple of years, and this years was over me standing up to her and VERY delicately letting her know that she was overstepping some boundaries with my daughter because she was using her to pry into our personal life, etc. The argument ended with her saying that I have my husband brainwashed, that she wont talk to me anymore, but that she will talk to my husband and daughter whenever she pleases. I told her that she could not treat me that way and keep her relationships with my family, that we come as a set. Shes spent every day since then at his work chatting him up and trying to talk him into coming to her house for a visit. Shes really out to show me whos in charge, always has been.

She asked him for my daughter for the day, and he immediately gave in. I was in the middle of packing for a big trip, and he had me halt everything so that she could come take my daughter and insult me as she was leaving with her. I was hurt and angry with him and I felt unsupported, but I let her take my daughter for the day because I am trying very hard to do the right thing by my husband. He claims that the pressure between me and his mother is so unbearable that he cant deal with it at all, so he just gives her whatever she wants to keep the peace.

I got called out of town for a while, and we both agreed that it would be sending the wrong message if he went by and visited them while I was away. They arent speaking to me, and theyve been going out of their way to have family gatherings not invite me. We knew that as soon as they were aware that I was gone they would be pressuring him to come by every day, and he claimed that he didnt want to deal with that. He forbade me to tell anyone that I was leaving town just so they wouldnt find out. As soon as I was gone, he went straight to his mothers house. What is that about? When I tried to talk to him about it he got extremely defensive and mean. I swallowed my pride because it seems like my only option, but Im still having a lot of trouble with this. I dont want to hate him for this, but I am really hurt and angry. I feel like a piece of me is dying because Im being forced to swallow mistreatment from his family and because I dont feel like I have his loyalties. I feel betrayed and defeated. I feel like I dont have a partner and Im wasting all of my own loyalties on someone who may not deserve them. Am I wrong to feel this way? Am I being too prideful, emotional, or demanding?

 

[Schnauzer Mom ♥]

Your husband is acting like a milksop, and I'm surprised you've put up with it for this long.

He lied to you.

You need to ask him what is more important to him - "keeping the peace" with his mother, or "keeping the peace" with his wife, because he is disrespecting you by lying to you and letting her walk all over you.

He needs to set boundaries with his mother. If he is not willing to do that, then I think you need to realize that "keeping the peace" with his mother is more important to him than you are... and then decide whether or not you can live with that.

I would also recommend counseling for you and he together, as well as for him alone. He will likely need professional help in order to learn how to deal with his mother, because odds are she will go for the major "guilt trip" and "passive aggressive" approaches on him that have worked in the past.

Good luck.

 

[broker472000]

Whoa, Manma..whoa, Mama...After 17 years married to your husband...and dealing with his family..you haven't figured it out yet?? I'm shocked..I would think you would be a Veteran at handling his family... Don't be emotional, whiny or demanding...His Mother and you are on a one way trip called...Power...The two of you are each standing in a corner of the boxing ring, just like a boxer..waiting to see who is going to throw the first punch...You know, as hateful and spiteful and unlovable as His Mother is...She is still a part of your family and a Huge part of hubby...You need to put on a set of different eyes..she is lonely, afraid of growing old and useless..Has she overstepped her boundaries..yes, she has...Has she been hateful, spiteful and downright mean..probably so..but look at her, with different eyes...You need to embraceyour enemy..You, as the wife and Mother, need to set an example of love and kindness, esp. when people like your daughter is watching you...You need to show Love, when there is no love..I would mend fences, bring her a small gift and take her to lunch...This woman is not going to live forever, contrary to what she believes..you need to have a home of peace and goodwill to all men...especially your enemies...And you need to stop asking and expecting your husband to take sides...Love Life..Blessed are the peacemakers..aren't those words important to you?? From a Grandmother....

 

[Willard]

no you have every right to feel the way you do. Your husband is a woosie and can't stand up and be a man. His wife and cids should always come first. Your mil is a bitch and should keep her ugly nose out of your business. and your husband should be backing you. I would leave that shit in a heartbeat cause you don't deserve that at all. find someone new. he sucks!

 

[What's in a name ???]

Tough one... My MIL is bad, but not THAT bad, she is more the subtle destroy-behind-the-back kind than the spit-in-your-face one...

NO, I don't think you are being irrational and demanding of your husband to expect him to support you. He (supposedely) CHOSE you, he did not choose his Mom. This should mean something to him.

Could it be she is making him feel even more guilty or behaving badly toward him than he will admit ? Sounds like it, since he is doing anything to avoid confromting her. Maybe she is just more scary /more trouble to him than you. Well, sounds like you should grow some and start showing him that YOU can be unflexible and intimidating too ! Let him know EXACTLY how you feel and that you are SERIOUS about not tolerating his behavior and lying (which is what he did if he specifically said he wouldn't see her then he did). If he gets defensive and mean, then you be agressiver and meaner ! (It just shows that he knows he did wrong and is feeling secretly guilty.)

He seems to take you for granted after all these years, maybe he needs a reminder that he needs to work to keep you. If having a sit-down conversation doesn't work then... For example, if he ever goes to his Moms against what you had decided, I would make sure not to be there when he gets back. Sounds cruel, but I think he needs a wake-up call. Pack a bag, spend a night at a spa or hotel. Leave a note saying how disappointed you are that he doesn't respect you or your relationship and need some time to think. Even though YOU know you won't leave him, let him sweat it sleeping alone in your bed for a night. Get a facial, have a nice meal and DON'T PHONE. When you get back, he will know how important his loyalty to you is.

Good luck !