S
savi26
Guest
thanks for replying. its just that ihave been knocked and knocked and cant take it anymore.. each time i see my daughter i so want to live..
S
savi26
Guest
thought i should let you know the second opinion came back as that the two hot spots are cancer i feel really low have been through the mill they cant squeeze from me anymore. i only want to live for my daughter and my husband but i want to give up i havent got the fight anymore i enjoy sleeping now so that i can forget. i tried speaking to my daughter about this she goes or so you will be taking a drug and something through the arm and i go yes or well then i then i try to hug her she says she doesnt care, it slipped out and pushed me away. i didnt want to say anything but it did hurt alot. some time ago she asked what did the doctors say how long would i live i said they said about ten years,she then says well thats fine why do i want to live longer as she says she would have left home by then.. or i cant write any more goodnight.. its night here
B
BlueAtlas
Guest
I'm so sorry about your diagnosis!
Savi, your post just made me want to cry! How old is your daughter? Can I guess that she's a young teen? How awful that must have made you feel! I don't want to make excuses for her --- what a terrible thing to say to ANYONE, but even more so your own mum --- but is she just so wrapped up in herself that she's that insensitive to other people's neeRAB? That child neeRAB to get a taste of the real world! I do think, like most kiRAB, she'll regret what she said and come around to finally appreciating you, if you haven't throttled her in the meantime! My kiRAB were great after my surgery, but one of them kind of burned out with all the help he gave me. He just plain got tired of it. I can't say I blame him, but it really wasn't that much to ask of him. He's finally come back around now. He needed to get a break for a while. I think he felt the weight of being a caregiver instead of being cared for. I hope this will be a growing time for your daughter and she'll step up and do what's right for you.
Savi, dear, there are so many people here on the board who will listen to you and help you as best they can. I found that even my husband got tired of hearing about my aches and pains, and I was even careful not to talk about it very much. By coming on here, I got support, advice, and encouragement and my family was spared having to hear about it. My husband mentioned that I spent a lot of time on here, but I explained to him that by "talking" to people who were in my shoes here on the board, I didn't have to get it all out to him. He liked that!
Don't give up, Savi! Go to bed and rest, cry, mourn, whatever you need to do for a while. Then I hope you'll be able to get up the strength to head back into battle with your sword glistening and your shield shining! You CAN beat this! You've caught it early, no? Think about your husband and daughter, and the future grandchildren you'll snuggle and tell stories to. You can spoil them rotten and then let your daughter deal with them!
There is a cancer section on healtrabroadoarRAB, too. I haven't looked there, so I don't know how active that board is, but you're always welcome here, too!
Keep in touch! Keep your chin up! And try not to take too personally the worRAB that come out of a naive child's mouth. (I know, easy to say, harder to do.) You will come through this, and you'll be stronger for it!
((((((((hugs))))))))
Emily
Savi, your post just made me want to cry! How old is your daughter? Can I guess that she's a young teen? How awful that must have made you feel! I don't want to make excuses for her --- what a terrible thing to say to ANYONE, but even more so your own mum --- but is she just so wrapped up in herself that she's that insensitive to other people's neeRAB? That child neeRAB to get a taste of the real world! I do think, like most kiRAB, she'll regret what she said and come around to finally appreciating you, if you haven't throttled her in the meantime! My kiRAB were great after my surgery, but one of them kind of burned out with all the help he gave me. He just plain got tired of it. I can't say I blame him, but it really wasn't that much to ask of him. He's finally come back around now. He needed to get a break for a while. I think he felt the weight of being a caregiver instead of being cared for. I hope this will be a growing time for your daughter and she'll step up and do what's right for you.
Savi, dear, there are so many people here on the board who will listen to you and help you as best they can. I found that even my husband got tired of hearing about my aches and pains, and I was even careful not to talk about it very much. By coming on here, I got support, advice, and encouragement and my family was spared having to hear about it. My husband mentioned that I spent a lot of time on here, but I explained to him that by "talking" to people who were in my shoes here on the board, I didn't have to get it all out to him. He liked that!
Don't give up, Savi! Go to bed and rest, cry, mourn, whatever you need to do for a while. Then I hope you'll be able to get up the strength to head back into battle with your sword glistening and your shield shining! You CAN beat this! You've caught it early, no? Think about your husband and daughter, and the future grandchildren you'll snuggle and tell stories to. You can spoil them rotten and then let your daughter deal with them!
There is a cancer section on healtrabroadoarRAB, too. I haven't looked there, so I don't know how active that board is, but you're always welcome here, too! Keep in touch! Keep your chin up! And try not to take too personally the worRAB that come out of a naive child's mouth. (I know, easy to say, harder to do.) You will come through this, and you'll be stronger for it!
((((((((hugs))))))))
Emily
M
Moldova
Guest
Dear Savi,
I read your post and Emily's responRAB ... make me cry.
Emily, you are a wonderful person, I love your posts and support you give people. I believe that in Savi's case your support is priceless for her.
Savi,
when we get sick we are more sensitive, I understand that. How old is your daughter? Sometimes kiRAB are saying stuff they don't mean; I want to believe that maybe she is acting out because she is scared for you? KiRAB can love you to death, but they also can say thing which can hurt us a lot, but I did learn they don't mean it.
You need a lot of strenght now to go through another health issue. As I understood you are strong woman and you can do it. You have so much to leave for, and you will. Make sure, dear heart, you don't forget to meditate, buy yourself wonderful meditation tapes, they my soul savers. Physical health depenRAB a lot on emotional health - bring them together to help you to be strong.
My hugs to you and please take care!
Best wishes....:angel:
I read your post and Emily's responRAB ... make me cry.
Emily, you are a wonderful person, I love your posts and support you give people. I believe that in Savi's case your support is priceless for her.
Savi,
when we get sick we are more sensitive, I understand that. How old is your daughter? Sometimes kiRAB are saying stuff they don't mean; I want to believe that maybe she is acting out because she is scared for you? KiRAB can love you to death, but they also can say thing which can hurt us a lot, but I did learn they don't mean it.
You need a lot of strenght now to go through another health issue. As I understood you are strong woman and you can do it. You have so much to leave for, and you will. Make sure, dear heart, you don't forget to meditate, buy yourself wonderful meditation tapes, they my soul savers. Physical health depenRAB a lot on emotional health - bring them together to help you to be strong.
My hugs to you and please take care!
Best wishes....:angel:
B
BlueAtlas
Guest
You're welcome! And don't give up. Your daughter is one of the best reasons to keep pressing on!
Please post when you can and let us know how you're doing. Are you going to ask for the tests to be redone?
Take care,
Emily
Please post when you can and let us know how you're doing. Are you going to ask for the tests to be redone?
Take care,
Emily
S
savi26
Guest
hi blueatlas. yes i need to be strong, but sometimes i just dont have the energy anymore. i have had about eight op, for one thing or the other then i feel guilty that my husband keeps seeing me sick.ours was an arranged marriage yes he has been caring but sometimes when we argue he mentions that he has been with a sick wife. and that makes me think he has had enough including his sisters and mum. m mum-in-law was a typical mother in law in the the early stages of marriage. she still says the occasional odd thing,as you can see i am beling polite. this thing they say i have i still dont believe it. because i am thinking if it had to come in the bone shouldnt it have come in the ribs than that small hotspot in the spine and in the lower back. as i said i fell quite badly in october since than i have only had a very niggly pain not some thing i would think about. but since the consultant told me, i dont like her, as her attiude has been very cut and dry and straight to the point,compared to all doc and consultants i have met before. she wants me to go on a trial using falodex and exmestne both hormone surpessers, i feel uneasy about it because i am thinking maybe my arthris and ostoporisis will be affected more she wanted me go on bisposphonate and exemstene i have chosen that. we have requested for second opinion that is taking its time during which time my brain has been thinking the worst . i so want to fight this if it is i dont know my inner feeling 60percent tells me they are making a mistake 40percent is beleiveing maybe it might me true. people tell me i am a fighter i just dont know any more...
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BlueAtlas
Guest
Savi, it made me so sad to read your post. None of these health problems are your fault! It's not like you abused yourself or asked for cancer or back pain! I'm so sad that your husband isn't being the support that you need now more than ever. (I mean, who neeRAB support when everything's rosy?) I'm so sad for you that he doesn't see your need for someone to just be there and hold you and listen to you and try to encourage you.
But,okay! So this is how it is! You've been strong before. You can be strong again. You're pursuing a second opinion, so until you hear about that, just take as good care of yourself as you can and try not to dwell on it too much. Keep yourself as busy as you can so you don't have extra time to ponder it. If you find out that it's going to be another hard long treatment, and we'll continue to hope that it won't be, then let yourself have some time to feel sorry for yourself, to grieve it. That's okay!!! And then you'll pull yourself together, tell your husband that he can look forward to having a healthy wife again and that you love him and want what's good for him (and unless he's a total jerk, he'll step up and do what he should for you), and gather your energy to attack it head on. From the little I know about you, I have no doubt that you WILL SURVIVE WHATEVER COMES YOUR WAY! Take this a day at a time for now and don't let a day pass without telling those you love how important they are to you. Illness reminRAB you to do that!
Savi, dear, please keep in touch here on the board. I'd like to know what the second opinion says.
May you be kissed by an invisible angel today!
Emily
But,okay! So this is how it is! You've been strong before. You can be strong again. You're pursuing a second opinion, so until you hear about that, just take as good care of yourself as you can and try not to dwell on it too much. Keep yourself as busy as you can so you don't have extra time to ponder it. If you find out that it's going to be another hard long treatment, and we'll continue to hope that it won't be, then let yourself have some time to feel sorry for yourself, to grieve it. That's okay!!! And then you'll pull yourself together, tell your husband that he can look forward to having a healthy wife again and that you love him and want what's good for him (and unless he's a total jerk, he'll step up and do what he should for you), and gather your energy to attack it head on. From the little I know about you, I have no doubt that you WILL SURVIVE WHATEVER COMES YOUR WAY! Take this a day at a time for now and don't let a day pass without telling those you love how important they are to you. Illness reminRAB you to do that!
Savi, dear, please keep in touch here on the board. I'd like to know what the second opinion says.
May you be kissed by an invisible angel today!
Emily
S
savi26
Guest
thought i should let you know the second opinion came back as that the two hot spots are cancer i feel really low have been through the mill they cant squeeze from me anymore. i only want to live for my daughter and my husband but i want to give up i havent got the fight anymore i enjoy sleeping now so that i can forget. i tried speaking to my daughter about this she goes or so you will be taking a drug and something through the arm and i go yes or well then i then i try to hug her she says she doesnt care, it slipped out and pushed me away. i didnt want to say anything but it did hurt alot. some time ago she asked what did the doctors say how long would i live i said they said about ten years,she then says well thats fine why do i want to live longer as she says she would have left home by then.. or i cant write any more goodnight.. its night here ..
S
savi26
Guest
hi emily, it savi.. as i type this i am in tears crying my heart, i am so worried for my daughter i am been through the mill and i cant fight anymore. why did i get this worked tried hard but god wants to test me all i want is be able to live for about ten to fivfteen years for the sake of my daughter it is hard when i wake up all i can think is about this i ahve no family, my mum and dad have both passed on , my brother hates my husband and my husband the same. it is very lonely for me especially my daughter can only think off clothes and boys. i am sorry for writing this to you but i cant go on crying to my husband as he is fed up i can see it even though he doesnt say . first time in my life i was feeling so good now this as come. all i want to do is sleep and go to my mum and dad. they were frienRAB not just parents the best you can have. i dont know what to do......
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BlueAtlas
Guest
Savi, I don't know what is available to you under the English system, but you need to get some help and support. Please don't try to do this alone. You're hurting and at the end of yourself. Talk to your doctor and see if there is a support group in your area or a counselor who can listen to you and give you the help and support you need. You've been through so much, no one can do it all on their own! I'm worried about you!
Please come back and let us know you're okay.
May you feel God's presence closely as you fight your battle.
Please, please, take care of yourself,
Emily
Please come back and let us know you're okay.
May you feel God's presence closely as you fight your battle.
Please, please, take care of yourself,
Emily
S
savi26
Guest
Hi Emily, thought i should let you know as i mentioned they told me that i had two hot spots on L1 and t3, when i went to see the consultant she tells me that L1 is not cancerous and T3 they think it could be, if you notice the sentance they are not 100percent sure. because of the funny shape of the bone they think it could be. she then asked me who did i go and see as a second opinon i mentioned the hospital and doctors name she then tells me that that the doc and her are best pals and she then asked me whether i needed a new second opinion from a different doc whom she doesnt know. i told her no but now i am thinking. she didnt offer any treatment said she will monitor me like every three months, so that means she wasnt sure herself. but i took what was offered at the initial stages its a bispospanate bone strengthing drip and a hormone surpressant if i wanted it so i opted for it. now i am wondering what to do, its either there is cancer or not. its like a black cloud over my head.
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savi26
Guest
thankyou so much i needed to see that yes i know faith is important to but it is hard when you have tussled with your husband you have alittle leg but i do manage with that have had eight op been in and out of hospital boobs removed worabe removed ovaries removed and scars all over early onset menapause as well now this . all i want is god to take me away i cant go on have needles jabed into me drugs pumped into nomore nomore all i want is god to take me away painlessly if he thinks i should leave... bye i i am still crying ...
B
BlueAtlas
Guest
I have a lot of respect for that doctor! She wants you to have trust in your second opinion, whether from her or someone else. It sounRAB like good news/bad news, but there's certainly hope! What's really good is that if it IS cancer, it must be at the really early stage, so early that they can't even tell yet for sure. So as they watch it, if they see that it's cancer, they'll be right on top of it.
Unfortunately, cancer is a black cloud hanging over any patient who hears that word. It's a scary thing, and like a lot of health issues, takes a long time to get through. It's not like a splinter, where you take it out, heal for a day or two, and then it's forgotten. There's no quick fix. Have you been able to get some support, by a group or a counselor or even your family getting their heaRAB out of the sand? I hope you can find someone to just be there for you, someone you can talk to, or sit and NOT talk to, who will listen and let you cry if you need to and be ready to help you however they can. That would go a long way as you head into this. How's your back pain? Are you on pain meRAB, or is that the least of your worries right now?
Try to be positive, dear one. I know it's hard. There's that old saying, "count your blessings," that is actually really good advice. When I find myself dwelling on the bad or hard things, one of the ways I get myself out of it is to sit and think of everything I can to give thanks for. My own family that I grew up in is completely dysfunctional, so it's hard to find things there to be thankful for. I was not well cared for. But when I search, I can find things even there. In my family now, my husband and kiRAB, I can give thanks for a long time. Then I move on to the obvious things like having a roof over my head, having enough food to eat, having a TV when I need to lay down for my pain, having money to keep the bills current even though we have so much debt because of my condition, having a computer to get on this board, being able to look outside and see the clouRAB and a ray of sunshine coming through them, being able to see at all, and so on and so on. Then if I still need to go on, I look for the less obvious, like the amazing cycles of nature that enable life to continue, the coupons that came in my mailbox, and the sale on sneakers that started just when my husband finally broke down to buy new ones. After forcing myself to think this way for a couple of years, I am finally to the point that it's becoming natural, and I think much less about the negatives.
Savi, hang in there and don't despair. There is a lot to live for. Your daughter will grow out of this difficult stage and you'll have lovely times getting together for a special lunch or going out to shop together. My daughter recently moved out on her own for the first time. She was home last weekend for a little while and told me that out of all the roommates, she's become the one that keeps things clean and picked up. She leaves little notes asking the others to please load the dishwasher after themselves, etc, and said, "mom, I've become YOU!" I laughed so hard, since she was a total slob when she lived at home. But it was such a nice time, so sweet to spend time together, no friction, just so pleasant. There's hope there for you, too. She'll come around in time. And she's worth fighting through this for!
Please post back when you can and let us know how you're doing.
Keep your chin up, Savi dear!
(((((((hugs)))))))
Emily
Unfortunately, cancer is a black cloud hanging over any patient who hears that word. It's a scary thing, and like a lot of health issues, takes a long time to get through. It's not like a splinter, where you take it out, heal for a day or two, and then it's forgotten. There's no quick fix. Have you been able to get some support, by a group or a counselor or even your family getting their heaRAB out of the sand? I hope you can find someone to just be there for you, someone you can talk to, or sit and NOT talk to, who will listen and let you cry if you need to and be ready to help you however they can. That would go a long way as you head into this. How's your back pain? Are you on pain meRAB, or is that the least of your worries right now?
Try to be positive, dear one. I know it's hard. There's that old saying, "count your blessings," that is actually really good advice. When I find myself dwelling on the bad or hard things, one of the ways I get myself out of it is to sit and think of everything I can to give thanks for. My own family that I grew up in is completely dysfunctional, so it's hard to find things there to be thankful for. I was not well cared for. But when I search, I can find things even there. In my family now, my husband and kiRAB, I can give thanks for a long time. Then I move on to the obvious things like having a roof over my head, having enough food to eat, having a TV when I need to lay down for my pain, having money to keep the bills current even though we have so much debt because of my condition, having a computer to get on this board, being able to look outside and see the clouRAB and a ray of sunshine coming through them, being able to see at all, and so on and so on. Then if I still need to go on, I look for the less obvious, like the amazing cycles of nature that enable life to continue, the coupons that came in my mailbox, and the sale on sneakers that started just when my husband finally broke down to buy new ones. After forcing myself to think this way for a couple of years, I am finally to the point that it's becoming natural, and I think much less about the negatives.
Savi, hang in there and don't despair. There is a lot to live for. Your daughter will grow out of this difficult stage and you'll have lovely times getting together for a special lunch or going out to shop together. My daughter recently moved out on her own for the first time. She was home last weekend for a little while and told me that out of all the roommates, she's become the one that keeps things clean and picked up. She leaves little notes asking the others to please load the dishwasher after themselves, etc, and said, "mom, I've become YOU!" I laughed so hard, since she was a total slob when she lived at home. But it was such a nice time, so sweet to spend time together, no friction, just so pleasant. There's hope there for you, too. She'll come around in time. And she's worth fighting through this for!
Please post back when you can and let us know how you're doing.
Keep your chin up, Savi dear!
(((((((hugs)))))))
Emily