Tell me what yall think about my brand new poem?

R

R.I.P. Hip Hop 1978-2003

New member
Leaving the past

Leaving the past
Something that’s not easy to do
Packing your soul up
And leave
Getting into the Uhaul of life
Leaving the past
It doesn’t seem right
Looking in the rear view mirror
Trying to remember
The bad times
Driving slow
Because you’re not ready to go
Not looking ahead
Possibility of the death
Leaving the past
But you haven’t left
Crashing forward
The future wasn’t in your focus
Now you’re doomed
Don’t know what to do
Thinking the hurt
Would forever last
The key to success
Is leaving the past
 
I liked it. It really kinda captures that "cross roads" in your life. Where you HAVE TO move forward but you really don't want to.
 
Some great ideas in there.
Some parts don't flow too well, espeically the beginning... I found it was lacking for a poem. Till the end it got much better. I'd advise you to add some punctuation, because good use of punctuation can add a completely different level to a poem, and improve it greatly. Punctuation increases emphasis and feelings, it adjusts the focus of what you're saying. That way you can draw specific attention to important words, because right now without punctuation every word seems to have the same value, and as I read it, it had a "blah" kind of feeling, there was nowhere to stop to catch your breath, or think about what you've just read. Without punctuation a poem is like an express train and loses it's wisdom :D
It's good for a start, good luck working on it ;)
 
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