Dream-Star
New member
the last ones were very very funny!
i underestemated the ones i thought were coming.
(no mama jokes)
i underestemated the ones i thought were coming.
(no mama jokes)
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Tell me more jokes...5 starts to next winner!? haha!?
- Thread starter Dream-Star
- Start date
Hi...okay, here are some jokes:
Hi. I love jokes! Hm...
A WOMAN, CALLING A LOCAL HOSPITAL,
SAID, "HELLO, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO THE PERSON WHO GIVES THE INFORMATION REGARDING YOUR PATIENTS.
I'D LIKE TO FIND OUT IF THE PATIENT IS GETTING BETTER, DOING AS EXPECTED OR IS GETTING WORSE."
THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE SAID,
"WHAT IS THE PATIENTS NAME AND ROOM NUMBER?"
SHE SAID, "SARA FINKLE, IN ROOM 302."
"I WILL CONNECT YOU WITH THE NURSING STATION."
"3-A NURSING STATION. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?"
"I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE CONDITION OF SARA FINKLE IN ROOM 302."
"JUST A MOMENT. LET ME LOOK AT HER RECORDS.
OH YES, MRS. FINKLE IS DOING VERY WELL. IN FACT SHE'S HAD TWO FULL MEALS,
HER BLOOD PRESSURE IS FINE
AND HER BLOOD WORK JUST CAME BACK AS NORMAL. SHE'S GOING TO BE TAKEN OFF THE HEART MONITOR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS AND IF SHE CONTINUES THIS IMPROVEMENT. DR. COHEN IS GOING TO SEND HER HOME TUESDAY AT TWELVE O' CLOCK."
THE WOMAN SAID," THANK GOD!
THAT'S WONDERFUL"
OH! THAT'S FANTASTIC.
THAT'S WONDERFUL NEWS! "
THE NURSE SAID," FROM YOUR ENTHUSIASM, I TAKE IT YOU MUST BE A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER OR A VERY CLOSE FRIEND!"
"NOT EXACTLY, I AM SARAH FINKEL IN ROOM 302!
AND NOBODY HERE TELLS ME ANYTHING!"
Two ninety year old men, Joe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, and Joe comes to visit him every day.
"Sam," says Joe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."
Sam looks up at Joe from his death bed, and says, "Joe, you've been my best friend many years. If it is at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." And shortly after that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple of nights later. Joe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Joe.... Joe...."
"Who is it?" says Joe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Joe, it's me, Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Joe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Joe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams!
But, what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching next Tuesday."
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:
Don't hit the ducks.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all squawkin to beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."
After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere.
Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who hit the duck?"
The one who had done it admitted "I did."
Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said.
"Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.
"I told you not to hit the ducks", he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man
Hi. I love jokes! Hm...
A WOMAN, CALLING A LOCAL HOSPITAL,
SAID, "HELLO, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO THE PERSON WHO GIVES THE INFORMATION REGARDING YOUR PATIENTS.
I'D LIKE TO FIND OUT IF THE PATIENT IS GETTING BETTER, DOING AS EXPECTED OR IS GETTING WORSE."
THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE SAID,
"WHAT IS THE PATIENTS NAME AND ROOM NUMBER?"
SHE SAID, "SARA FINKLE, IN ROOM 302."
"I WILL CONNECT YOU WITH THE NURSING STATION."
"3-A NURSING STATION. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?"
"I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE CONDITION OF SARA FINKLE IN ROOM 302."
"JUST A MOMENT. LET ME LOOK AT HER RECORDS.
OH YES, MRS. FINKLE IS DOING VERY WELL. IN FACT SHE'S HAD TWO FULL MEALS,
HER BLOOD PRESSURE IS FINE
AND HER BLOOD WORK JUST CAME BACK AS NORMAL. SHE'S GOING TO BE TAKEN OFF THE HEART MONITOR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS AND IF SHE CONTINUES THIS IMPROVEMENT. DR. COHEN IS GOING TO SEND HER HOME TUESDAY AT TWELVE O' CLOCK."
THE WOMAN SAID," THANK GOD!
THAT'S WONDERFUL"
OH! THAT'S FANTASTIC.
THAT'S WONDERFUL NEWS! "
THE NURSE SAID," FROM YOUR ENTHUSIASM, I TAKE IT YOU MUST BE A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER OR A VERY CLOSE FRIEND!"
"NOT EXACTLY, I AM SARAH FINKEL IN ROOM 302!
AND NOBODY HERE TELLS ME ANYTHING!"
Two ninety year old men, Joe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, and Joe comes to visit him every day.
"Sam," says Joe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."
Sam looks up at Joe from his death bed, and says, "Joe, you've been my best friend many years. If it is at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." And shortly after that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple of nights later. Joe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Joe.... Joe...."
"Who is it?" says Joe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Joe, it's me, Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Joe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Joe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams!
But, what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching next Tuesday."
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:
Don't hit the ducks.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all squawkin to beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."
After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere.
Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who hit the duck?"
The one who had done it admitted "I did."
Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said.
"Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.
"I told you not to hit the ducks", he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man