Take the time to critique this poem?

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izzy7970

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“You talk too much” he says, “always yammering. You never shut up, you never know when to stop.”
He expresses himself with skin, and it yells louder than I’ve ever heard him speak.
He screams with every gesture, and what can he be hiding, that he needs to say so loud?
“You speak in riddles, you know? I never know what you’re saying.”
He adds new voices to the cacophony; layer upon layer, not an inch of him can be quiet.
He never talks about it, but he never, ever stops drawing on the stories.
“You only shut up when I’m over-whelming you. I feel like I have to possess you to make you silent. I hate that, you know. Sometimes I hate you, you’re so loud.”
He flinches when you trace your finger over the lines, like they’re private images, displayed by necessity, or bruises that will never heal, making patterns on his flesh.
“It’s good when it can just be calm. I can’t hear myself think, with all your banter. You even talk in your sleep. I don’t know where you find time to breathe, sometimes.”
It’s shrill and brazen, confusing your senses, because it’s heard so much clearer than it’s seen. It was done with intention, each pattern well thought out, to state what he could never say.
“I can love you when you’re still, but you’re almost never still. I don’t care about gossip, or what happened when you were a kid. Why can’t you just hush, and let me love you?”
These things cannot be silenced, only cloaked and choked off, and once you’ve seen it, you already know. Something happened and you have to hear about with every exposition.
“Why can’t you ever say anything important? I wish I could love you, it would be easier that way.”
It’s blinding and deafening, and it can make you sick if you stare too long. It’s like a train wreck on his body, but you cannot look away. There’s only love in the night, here.
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I'm just looking for honest opinions. Thanks much!
 
very strong wording

but i cant help think How is this a poem ?

its more of a story,

also poetry has a sense of mystique to it to make you keep on thinking about it. where as you give everything away

but still a great poem

keep on writing i can see something great will emerge soon

well done

-Boothy.//
 
Not a bad concept but you need to take full advantage of language.
You're stating obvious things, throwing in powerful phrases such as "cloaked and choked off" and "train wreck on his body"
But you've bastardised the essence of poetry.
Im not talking about using stanzas and rhymes btw.
"I cant hear myself think" - but you're stating it all so clearly, betraying none of the confusion youve mentioned.
This is more like a rant than a poem since you're not really using language to create meaning. You have a few images, that is all.
 
im sorry but i dont really see it as a poem...its like a story but divided into lines, i guess.
and its too obvious. too many words also....

im sorry you are getting so much criticism. i like ppl to criticize my poems(by the way can you look at them plz?) and stuff but in ways i dont...ppl can be harsh. so dont get discouraged if someone says something really mean cuz they have done it to me....


make it into a story. keep on writing. you seem to be a story writer.
good with imagery.
 
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