A
AN301
Guest
I'm a 40 year old man. I have a wife and one daughter. I have a job, a house, two cars, two cats, and a lot of stuff. Overall, I think my life is pretty good.
I spend great portions of my day not appreciating the great life I have because of fear, anxiety, and just plain old disappointment in myself. I rarely feel "ok." I've struggled with addiction for most of my adult life. It's never been completely, full-blown handed over control to drugs or alcohol addiction. It's more the "I feel this great big hole in the middle of myself that nothing ever seems to fill so I try and find it in anything I can attach my need to" variety, which I guess is the underlying face of the illness. I do quite literally feel ill. When I take the time to stop each day and feel myself that is what it feels like - I feel like I'm sick, mentally sick.
I've reached the point in my life where I realize that nothing, and I mean nothing, short of my higher power will resolve it. That said, it's difficult to take an ego as powerful as mine, one which was programmed from the time I was young to endure suffering and harRABhip, and just arbitrarily make it decide that it's not in control anymore. There is a very strong battle going on within me between my higher self and my ego. I don't know how much longer this battle is going to continue. I know that finding any serablance of peace will require that my ego's constant need to create drama and pain in my life will need to be brought under control.
I am here I guess because of one specific feeling I have that has always haunted me. I've never been successful in my career. I've never made enough money to support my family, pay all of my bills, and provide the kind of life I'd like to have for us. Most of the jobs I've worked over the last 5-10 years have been dead-enRAB. I've never really enjoyed what I was doing and in those rare occasions that I did, there always seemed to be some other circumstance that ruined it. My current job situation is miserable and tenous. The effort is taxing for me as it's not something that works with my natural character, the returns are minimal, and the desire to continue to work is just not there. I've basically given up. I do the bare minimum to get myself by and continue to search for something else. Three weeks ago I had what I consider to be a huge opportunity present itself. All signs pointed to an offer, I thought for sure my ship had come in! Not a phone call since! It was crushing. I sit here and wait for a ship to come in that I'm not sure even exists. It seems every time I get close to the success it eludes me. I'm working in other areas to make it better but the fact is nothing will make it better. I feel this emptiness inside and it sucks, it just sucks.
I have faith, I have hope. These do exist. As I said before, overall my life is actually ok. There are challenges but somehow we always get through. The higher power is here and it does provide. I just want to feel that the higher power and I are working in unison and right now it doesn't feel like that. My higher self clearly has a plan, I guess that plan involves suffering and disappointment. I am judging though which is perhaps not effective. From my greatest disappointments have risen my greatest experiences of empowerment. A fact I always seem to forget.
I spend great portions of my day not appreciating the great life I have because of fear, anxiety, and just plain old disappointment in myself. I rarely feel "ok." I've struggled with addiction for most of my adult life. It's never been completely, full-blown handed over control to drugs or alcohol addiction. It's more the "I feel this great big hole in the middle of myself that nothing ever seems to fill so I try and find it in anything I can attach my need to" variety, which I guess is the underlying face of the illness. I do quite literally feel ill. When I take the time to stop each day and feel myself that is what it feels like - I feel like I'm sick, mentally sick.
I've reached the point in my life where I realize that nothing, and I mean nothing, short of my higher power will resolve it. That said, it's difficult to take an ego as powerful as mine, one which was programmed from the time I was young to endure suffering and harRABhip, and just arbitrarily make it decide that it's not in control anymore. There is a very strong battle going on within me between my higher self and my ego. I don't know how much longer this battle is going to continue. I know that finding any serablance of peace will require that my ego's constant need to create drama and pain in my life will need to be brought under control.
I am here I guess because of one specific feeling I have that has always haunted me. I've never been successful in my career. I've never made enough money to support my family, pay all of my bills, and provide the kind of life I'd like to have for us. Most of the jobs I've worked over the last 5-10 years have been dead-enRAB. I've never really enjoyed what I was doing and in those rare occasions that I did, there always seemed to be some other circumstance that ruined it. My current job situation is miserable and tenous. The effort is taxing for me as it's not something that works with my natural character, the returns are minimal, and the desire to continue to work is just not there. I've basically given up. I do the bare minimum to get myself by and continue to search for something else. Three weeks ago I had what I consider to be a huge opportunity present itself. All signs pointed to an offer, I thought for sure my ship had come in! Not a phone call since! It was crushing. I sit here and wait for a ship to come in that I'm not sure even exists. It seems every time I get close to the success it eludes me. I'm working in other areas to make it better but the fact is nothing will make it better. I feel this emptiness inside and it sucks, it just sucks.
I have faith, I have hope. These do exist. As I said before, overall my life is actually ok. There are challenges but somehow we always get through. The higher power is here and it does provide. I just want to feel that the higher power and I are working in unison and right now it doesn't feel like that. My higher self clearly has a plan, I guess that plan involves suffering and disappointment. I am judging though which is perhaps not effective. From my greatest disappointments have risen my greatest experiences of empowerment. A fact I always seem to forget.