Stress

[W N]

Hey! I don't know whether or not this is the most suitable board to be asking this question on or if it would be better to place it somewhere else but here goes. I have a friend in school who has had a whole lot of problems recently. She stopped eating for a few weeks but now that problem has been sorted out. Her auntie died a few months ago and that sent her haywire. She is convinced that she is going to fail her exams. She thinks that she is fat. She thinks that she is ugly and she thinks that everyone is against her. The school is aware of all the problems with her and are doing their best to help. However, as I have only known her for a year and a half, despite me being one of her best friends, I am only coming to realize the true extent of the problems now. According to my other friend, who is also this girl's best friend, the girl in question is lying about different things in her life such as the fact that she has a boyfriend and that she is just attention seeking. I am not so sure however. Even if she is attention seeking, there is still an underlying problem there that makes her feel the need to have everyone's attention focused on her all of the time.
I realize that she is in a fragile mental state these days and feels the need to talk about her problems but at this stage it is getting very stressful for her wider circle of friends. In fact, it is getting so stressful that I am now losing sleep over it. She texts me all of the time, day and night, with no care given to the time of day. The texts are all the same, saying how her life is awful and she feels crap. But when she has an appointment with the councillor in school, she gets almost excited. She constantly is talking about how depressed she is and I do know that it is important she talks about it but all day every day, the same thing. My other friends can't stand it anymore. Neither can I but I would feel so guilty if anything happened to her simply because I didn't want to listen to her.
It is even getting to the point where she is reporting our group of friends because they simply are not talking about her and her problems. They were discussing another girl in the groups problem and she started interrupting talking about how she was going to fail her exams and someone just said, "Its not always about you." The girl in question ran out of the room crying but no-one realized that she was crying until she came back. After that, she reported everyone to the school saying that everyone was ignoring her, ridiculing her and refusing to listen to her problems. We have done nothing but listen to her problems for months on end and with a series of hugely important exams coming up, everyone could be focusing their attentions elsewhere. When the teachers confronted the students and everyone expressed their feelings, they were simply told that we had to put up with it. But personally, when I am losing hours of sleep a night due to her texting me and getting me depressed too. My friend who is also the girl in question's best friend says that me n her are gettin the worst of it, with the constant depressing texts. We have run out of things to say to her, nothing works anymore. But, according to the school we just have to put up with it. I have done my best but the constant stressing is leaving me tired, lethargic, unable to concentrate in school and I am also losing my appetite, feeling sick even eating the smallest mouthful.
Am I being a bad person by wanting her to be quiet or am I being selfish? I'm just so stressed and don't know who else to go to because my other friends don't seem as worried about this as I am because she was like this before I knew her. I'm so tired all of the time. I want to sleep but just as I am trying to sleep, another text comes through. I could sleep all day but can't. I don't know what else to do. I feel really hungry but when I eat, I feel sick. I've lost a few pounds without trying and am constantly thirsty. I just want things to go back to the way things were before all of this started but am worried that if through my selfish thoughts I am damaging her recovery process. Someone give advice please

 

[likkle Philosopher! xD]

Hey! If you feel you have helped her as much as you can - then tell her that. Tell her that you are getting stressed out hearing about her problems all day and night. Tell her you need to sleep or you will get sick, and that you are turning your phone off from 9pm - 8am or something and if she wants to talk to someone there are crisis lines in practically every town and city, help her find an outlet for her worries and then make her switch to the professionals.

She didn't deserve what happened to her, but most importantly you don't deserve what is happening to you. She is going to do what she wants, and to me it is pretty plain to see what you want, you are too sensitive and well meaning to be this girls sole support system - you won't ever get the credit you deserve either!

You have to realize (and she should realize this too) that someone has to look out for you, and really YOU are the only person who has YOUR best interests at heart, no one else will ever take better care of you than you can yourself. This "friend" is not being a true friend if she is putting such a strain on your life. Do what makes you happy. You sound young and in highschool or something - she sounds like she has lots of complex issues going on which no one your age should have to help her with. As a friend you have limited responsibilities. If you ask how she is then she can tell you, but she shouldn't go on and on about this when you really don't want to know about it.

Please learn now to step up for yourself! The other friends u talk about seem to realize this girl always acts like this for attention. I was exactly like you - wanted to fix everyones problems and always be there for my friend with borderline personality disorder. The truth is though that I couldn't help her with anything - she would pretend to want my help, but really she just liked the attention and the fact that I WOULD drop everything to help her out and talk to her about her problems, but she wouldn't listen in the end.

She would constantly break up with her boyfriend and come crying to me, we would talk her through things and then 3 days later they would date again, the cycle went round and round at least 5 times and we started just telling her she could look after herself and it wasn't our job to help her with her relationship anymore, we had tried our best. If she wanted to make a change and try being single we would help her if issues arose from that, but if she got herself into the same situation over and over again we couldn't help anymore.

Maybe get together with your other friend and stage a tiny little intervention where you tell this girl the boundaries of your friendship, and follow through on the decisions you make, it will be a good lesson in life for all of you. If you were dating this girl would you have broken up with her? Sometimes I think with our friends we put up with a lot more that hurts us, and we have a hard time standing up for ourselves.

I am thinking about you! Don't let her jeapordize your health or happiness - friends should always make us feel better about ourselves and this girl is clearly not upholding her part of the friendship deal. Do NOT feel guilty for wanting a break! Find friends that can empathize with you and what you are going through, you sound pretty seriously depressed but I bet if you can solve your friend problem you will go back to normal in a week or two! I had to move out because that horrible friend was my housemate - but as soon as I did it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

 

[acidraver.]

It is great that you want to help your friend. BUT your own health and welfare comes before hers. Your "friend" isn't a friend when she uses you like this. My bet is if you set limits for her she will find someone else to irritate for days on end.

The thing is, you are too young to deal with her issues. You are wise enough to realise that she has problems that need to be addressed and what she is like. But she needs a professional to sort out her issues and to help her get over the "me me me" and whatever else is wrong.

You are starting to symptoms of stress yourself. The urge to sleep, the lack of appetite, the anxiety. All of this points to you being in too deep. You need to back away so you can recover yourself. You need to do well in your tests and you have done what you can at this point except to be there.

Turning off your phone from 7pm on is a great idea. It gives you time to study and time to sleep. Tell your parents you won't take any calls from her also. Tell them you need to study and she's a distraction.

good luck and keep your chin up. You will get through this.

 

[Natakid.]

thanx for your replies! I just want to say that I am not depressed, because I have other realli good friends who are also stressed with the situation and I am letting all of this out throught my friends. I am extremely stressed out with the situation but now the school is closed for holidays, allowing me to take a break from the situation. But, are you sure by me telling her that I am too stressed to listen to it all of the time wont make her think that I am being selfish? Because I don't want to get caught up with the teachers and counsellors because the teachers just said that we have to be ther for her. I don't think she is telling them the full story :S

 

[acflutist]

Just because you are her friend it doesn't mean that you have to "be there for her" 24 hours a day. And I certainly don't think that, when pressed, the staff at your school would mean that. You don't say I'm all stressed out over dealing with you - you just tell her you need to make sure that you get a ___ whatever grade you need for the class.so you need time to study...say your parents have put limits on the phone... Put the blame on your parents-they're used to it. In fact I would encourage my boys to blame me. It took the pressure off of them.

I am all grown up(or so I've been told). But even now, there are times when my best friend has something pressisng to do that she'll tell me that she needs to concentrate on whatever so I won't be hearing from her for awhile. OR if there is a deadline at work she'll say-got to finish this before I can talk... As a friend it's the polite and honest thing to do-to let your friend have some space for other things that need to be done.

good luck.