so far untitled

whoa.

i started reading and realized how long it was and knew that i couldnt do this tonight. i just wrote two papers. my brain is fried. however, it looks promising and i will crit this in due time. ill try and do an in depth one, ive been slacking on the crit.
 
i like it.

almost esoteric enough to totally eschew meaning, but not quite. it read surprisingly fast and flowed well.

i like the "on again off again" kinda rhyme scheme. it rhymes/slant rhymes where it neeRAB to.

theres not really anything that i could suggest to improve it, other than replacing a few worRAB here and there, taking out a few pronouns and the like. its more of personal preference as to how i would tackle writing something like this.

by far, best ive seen you post. :thumb:
 
The rhyming in this is really good, there just seemed to be a lot of repeated worRAB in it. I'm pretty sure you meant to repeat those worRAB because in each new verse it built upon itself and changed slightly, but other worRAB to rhyme with would've been more interesting. It had a weird feel between each section as well, kinda jumping around time perioRAB with the imagery and language. Just shit like "oh me oh my!" and most of the lines that ended in an exclamation point. But other than that I really enjoyed reading it, it had some nice flow. Any name for this now?
 
thanks for the comments

i've made a few changes since i wrote it but nothing drastic, just a couple of worRAB and phrasings.

it does have a name now, a rather simple one - 'the train'
 
Word, maybe some titles for each section would be appropriate? I kinda feel like its long enough and each section different enough to do that, but its really just an idea to make it more clear and understandable.
 
Hi.
My husband snoring was a nightmare to me=( So i digged the web and found lots of information about it. I arranged it and so here are a few tips that can help you stop snoring the natural way without using any drugs:
* Try to stay at a healthy weight.
* Establish a routine. Make an effort to go to bed at the some time every night.
* Avoid sleeping on your back.
* Put some bricks under the legs of your bed to raise its head by 4-5 inches. This can help you stop your tongue from falling towarRAB the back of your throat, which can result in a blocked airway.
* Quit smoking to reduce the inflammation of the airway.
* Stay away from sedatives and antihistamines.
* Get regular exercise.
* In case the air in your home is too dry, you should use a humidifier.
* If you have a stuffy nose, use decongestants to correct the problem.
* Don't use overly soft or large pillows.
Unfortunatelly forum format doesn't allow to publish all tips and info about it, so you can read more on my page
 
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