...So where was i... Oh yeah well i did get out and got baked so both the spelling and the overall sence will decrease.
Let me drop few thoughts on the things you've said.
"Finde a hobby" is somewhat acurare for a quick shot but not as effectiv as one would think it is. In relativly early age i tried fishing, was fun for about 2 years than simply lost it`s charm. Than i got hooked up on long distance mountain bike driving, but eventually lost interest in that too. I've also tried for a short time Muay Thai and yes it was a blast but in about 5 months since i've started i had to begin my university entrance exams preparations. I can`t think of anything that really "makes me burn" (and it`s not ileagal or potentialy hazardous for the health)
And than comes the second thing "move out of your mom`n`dad`s house". Once i was accepted in the university i moved not only out of the house but out of the city as well. Was thinking of starting a job but i had to confirm how hard the university will be and will i be able to keep up while working now that i am pretty sure that i can i will start working too (Who refuses extra money...). But those are things i don`t really care about i can with and without em and in both cases it`s all the same for me.
As far as the "do something extream thing advice" i've definitly had my moments. I've fallen with a car in a ravine. I've once baked myself so bad i''ve nearly died.I was like a uncouncious for an hour while standing on my feat, leaning on a pillar, eyes closed, intensly sweating. The thing that brought me back to reality was that a dude dropped a bear bottle on my foot, and the shock and the pain released enough adrenalin for me to wake up throw up on 5 people in the crowded club i was in and >drove home< Which remindes me how this very night i am writing this i was driving midtown with 120 km/ph on double wisky two bears and a massive blunt while listening to Infected Mushroom- Becoming Insane throught the nearly 450 watts of music power that`ve recently installed in the car. But the only sensation this brings me in the long run is guilt. Guilt and shame that about the only things that make me feel good involve drugs and suicidal driving.
So what are the options. As i've said i have trouble starting contact with people so i have only a few friends. All of them male and all of them i've known for so long i litteraly get bored of them from time to time as i am sure they do from me. The only exception is the dude i get stoned with because once you are high there`s no real need to talk and plus it`s not even half as hard to blab usless shits if you actually have to.
So here comes the real core of all my problems. The lack of a girlfriend. Oh god how does that hurt me. I am pretty sure if i had a person to love i'd be happy and find some meaning in the things i do. But i don`t and i demmand to know why.
I have some versions, theories and explonations which i'd like to share and see if you can prove me wrong or offer alternative points of view.
First of all i'd like to think it`s not my vision. I am no Brad Pit but there`s nothing obviosly wrong or repulsive in me too. As i've said and as Jon Lajoie sang "I'm an everyday normal guy" besides the fact that i am somewhat taller than the average Joe and heavier but that`s because of the fact that i am taller not some drastic obesity. I njoy taking showers (personal hygiene and all). I am listing all those obvious things to prevent you from the quick "something`s simply wrong with the guy" shot. Basicly all those things people take for granted i have too no hadicaps here. I am by all means no retard. Can... Speak... Properly... Bullshits aside i watch TV (news), read newspapers and news sites, i watch the most popular films around and listen to diferent music styles i read books (and even more than mr. Average Joe this time). I have calm personality and i am in no way threatening. I can listen and understand most of the things i'm being told and respond accurately withing the topic and you can make that a lot of topics yes. I have decent verbal and written english and have learned two more languages (thou i can`t actually say/write jack`s shit in them). But simply no girl choses me. It`s never me. And it`s not like i haven`t made some attempts too.
Here`s some history and facts. In early age all my soucial contacts were within the neighbour all 4 or 5 children i knew and were my age were boys. Some of them had bigger sisters and some were pretty cool too. But i was after all a kid. Once i got trully interested in them they all had their own social groups and contacts in which i wasn`t included. Overall from first to seven grade i was a moron for not playing with the girls. From 8th to 12 grade i faild again. But than again i wasn`t trying really hard because i didn`t really liked any of the girls besides one which turned out to be hot only in the latter grades and quickly sky rocketed into waters i wasn`t able to swim in back than. In the university i went with the idea of fuck it, this time i really don`t give a shit about anything, i will get hooked up with a hot female colegue of mine (and this time the pool of girls was supposed to be and actually turned out to be filled with only classy stuff. Hot future diplomats and politicians). Tried being the cool guy/the smart guy/the bad guy and of course it was all a fail. Even tried be myself (the ignorant lazy ass guy). Nothing. Fails. Never been able to project the aura of the potential boyfriend guy. Always been the desparate for a hug puppy like dude. I am pretty sure every girl looks at me for about 2 secs see a huge NO sign in her head and turn to the random guy next to me who`s nothing different than me in any trully unique way but still she`s willing to stick her tongue in his mouth not mine. It`s always that the good girls around me already have this microcompanies of guys/girls they hang with that i can in no trully not annoying way infiltrate. I always end up rolling solo to most events.I am there yes but not really talking about anything with anyone besides ocasional fast remark or a toast. The friends i have don`t really have much more friends than i do and they are all somehow the same as me. Plus the most anoying fact they are most exclusively boys or even if they are girls they are with some of the boys or some third parties and have no additional girlfriends.
In the university there are two girls i am really interested in. With the first one i was having a friendly relation (managing to overcome all the shits going inside my head and behave like a real dude for once plus she was really worth it body and minde and even the proper personality for someone like me. Smart, Laid Back and a bit cold hearted) going and even made an attempt only to be cut off and find out latter that she already had a boyfriend and maybe few for that matters. One of them being the guy with the major $$$ and the other assistant in the very same university we are in for obvious reasons. I migh in fact stumbled on a fish too big for my mouth but i gave my best shot(which wasn`t something that spectacular all and all) and i don`t regret it. The second one is very charming and seemingly free. But with her there`s something very strange. I have this severe feeling that i will mess her up, and make her miserable. She have this chearfull personality and she`s behaving very friendly with me, laughting at nearly everything i say, giving me her materials. If i push i think i might even fuck her but even saing that makes me feel bad. She`s literaly too good for me. I am 99 percent sure i will destroy that relation. I cannot be chearfull and energetic. And from one moment onwards i'll fail to pretend i actually care even if i am really interested at first i know myself too damn well. At some point i'll simply lose interest in everything around her except her warm body besides me. I won`t be able to keep her tempo of doing things and will drag her down which will eventually make her feel sorry for her past decisions and yet she will be unconfortable of cutting me lose which will start this endless chain of hate and regret and me being dumped and she hating me... Those are all wild theories but the one thing i know for sure is to trust my instincts usually things happen just the way i think they will.
I of course did hookers, but they are pretty damn expensive and all that fucking shame and guilt involved plus the damn AIDS (fuck how i wish that thing didn`t exist) if i get infected i'd suicide in a blink of an eye with a quick note stateing "I fucked up". Hookers are nice. Null effort involved and they do everything you want if the problems stated above were not present they would have been the perfect option for me. Coming to think of it if i somehow manage to get rich enough to afford high class paid companions on regular basis i'd be pretty happy too. But i am at the current moment- not.
Why is was there no girl that i could point and say "this is the one" she sees me and sais "fuck yeah" we make out and live happily ever after. Why isn`t happening. Why is it so fucking damn hard. I want a fucking girlfriend and i don`t want a girl that i'd have to pretend infront of to be things i am not. I simply give too little of a fuck about everything i am lazy and most of all i can actually aford it. Why girls don`t like me like that. I'd sure as hell like a girl like that. She`s be A class companion and i'd fucking really do stuff for her the way i can and i see fit. For instance i'd be too lazy to go after another girl once i have one. And won`t really care if she doesn`t really care about me as long as we share the same bed and ocasionaly go see a movie or eat in a restaurant. Not that i mind Romeo and Julieta kind of stuff but i'd pretty much take everything that involves long term sex. (With females to be noted. I do not like the smell, body structure and shit load of other stuff of my own gender to be intimate with. My body demands pussy)
It is somehow fucking obvious how much i need a girl and i have this weird feeling everybody is exploithing that fact however they see fit for their own fucking sadistic pleasure. Why is that every second nobody can be with a girl willing to be with him and i am always the first nobody in that combination. Something so easy and almost natural for everyone feels like trying to smash solid brick wall head first for me.
I don`t even minde children. I am so bored i might as well take care of a child and in fact i am pretty sure it will turn out to be fun if you have the money to afford it.
Note: My i-net connection is currently dead (i steal wireless from the neighbours) so this is posted like a lot of hours after it`s been written.
Now there`ve been quite some comments since the upper part of the text was written but if stuff like that helped there wouldn`t have been problem at all.
First about the religion thing. Oh dude, i get bored of my real friends and you want me to finde imaginary ones... wtf. I have this nice little imaginary realm in my head where i get to do what i want whenever i want, but my body tends to be into the harsh physical realm where i want to feel good too (without drugs).
The picture migh have been proper explanation of the situation if i looked like the guy on it, but i don`t so besides the obvious flame there it was nothing of worth.
And as far as the "stop being douchebag asshole" advice that doesn`t count at all. According to the general world`s point of view i an indeed douchebag asshole but of my point of view i am myself and i like it. I actually want to be happy douchebag asshole. I've seen plenty of those, but i am not yet ritch enough to walk among their ranks. I've seen plenty of happy decent people too but their ortodoxal ways doesn`t seem to help.
So why the fuck is it that i should strive to not be myself in order to be happy. Isn`t there a way to be ignorant, lazy, not very ritch and still happy.
I've tried carring and energetic and it simply wears me out. I can do it for a weak with the proper people even for two. But in the end of that weak or two i feel like i've been dried out. I simply cannot give a fuck anymore i want to lie down for at least two or three days and be with no one else but myself and do nothing but eat, shit and watch japanese animations or read a book or even only listen to some house. If i force myself to keep going out i have this weard feeling that`s i'd simply become extreamly agressive and start doing some major violent shits on other people which will undoubtetly lead me to jail which i for sure wouldn`t like. And if i don`t force myself and do what i want- a time out. The world goes by itself and blasts right past me. I loose momentum and it costs way to much energy to perpetuate myself back into social life. Meaning i cannot simply drop on a social event sit on my ass and start quietly drinking beer. That would be equal to not going there at all because not only no one will pay me attention but it will have a negative effect because everybody will wonder wtf is wrong with me and start saing stupid things like "Are you bored". WTF is this shit. If i was bored i wouldn`t have been there and how the hell can you imply that i am bored when you cannot see inside my head i can look like i'll drop dead any second and still be happy to just be amongs other people. Why is it that I have to talk about stuff, make jokes, care about what other people say when that in fact bothers me. If it was somehow possible i'd like my interactions with other males to be only when they have to help me do something or i have to help them do something because only doing something specific feels like there`s an actual goal of the whole interaction. Chit-chat with guys in 95% of the times makes me angry to the point i want to start fucking roaring and kicking. Of course i am capable of supperessing that need due to two major reasons. One i don`t want to go to jail and two the fear that i won`t be allowed to interact into that social enviorment anymore and it`s not like i don`t want it i just can`t do the way it was ment to be and so i am simply sitting there being angry of how fucking wrong this all is. And as far as the girls go i simply wanna hug, kiss and fuck em. I don`t really want to talk to them at all. But of course this is not ment to be into the current world so i am in general screwed.
