Should i keep my poem like the way it is or should i add more?

J

JetBlack

New member
From the dust we are born
Is the same dust we mourn
Day by day we are even more worn
Slowly dying away in our own form

Once our hearts were on fire
The world would inspire
On a quest for what we desire
Young and ready to set out beyond the shire

The eastern sky’s rays, warm to the touch
Brings out the birds, flowers, and such
All things are wonderful, happiness in our clutch
Tamed, obedient kept in our hutch

Red is the sky as light falls in the west
Holding our hutch as we begin to nest
Dreaming of the upcoming days conquest
Forever we thought we were so blessed
 
I think alot of the lines are just awkward because they don't have enough syllables for example,"Once our hearts were on fire
The world would inspire"

"The world would inspire" sounds choppy. You should add more descripive words! But the poem is very good.
 
I think alot of the lines are just awkward because they don't have enough syllables for example,"Once our hearts were on fire
The world would inspire"

"The world would inspire" sounds choppy. You should add more descripive words! But the poem is very good.
 
Back
Top