Should I go pack now.. my poetry is not appealing to me. It seems dull and

P

popsy-wopp...

New member
lack lustre.. what do you suppose I? *should do to it?


The StoryTeller...

he has such a poignant way with words
as he charms us all, surrounds us well
We flock around him, quite like the birds
wait expectant , his stories to tell

Time is a premium, life is short
a tear falls derelict unobserved
valid excuses he will resort
Yet from her side he never has swerved

Until perhaps in retrospect he
realized how arrogant, he may seem
opens his eyes to reality
return to his tales his eyes agleam..

Never forget who made him a star
well hung in the sky; brightening the world
with out whom , he’d not have gone far


~
I vote to deep six it
Gid.. o fire..
I do this to others poems.
why not to my own.. hmmm
interesting.
I guess as I was forcing it into a 9 syllable beat.. and it did not fit.
 
you caught my attention. intrigued. leaves me wanting more about him and the her behind him...

don't deep six it, let it rest and see if a story shines through.
 
Keep it - it has it's own profundity depending upon who one would like to attach it to.

GO PACK! You always do this before you have to go somewhere. You're a packing procrastinator!
 
A committed man who needs to be committed - it's all about the people you know.
 
I liked it
it made me think
of this...girl I don't know
the one that
probably threw
my first poem
in the trash
just to look cool
in front of her co-workers
when all I wanted to do
was make her feel pretty
 
Dip a little paint brush
in colors of gold
outline the story
that you've just told

embellishments will flashpaint
the quiet words
till this is the greatest story
ever heard

Actually, it started out pretty good, and then it just didn't take flight. I'm not knowledgeable enough to explain how to make it better. I've seen much better from you. Maybe it is just a little forced. Put it aside and come back to it later. Bye, cutie.
 
Before you deep six… I like this piece, it does seem unnecessary “wordy” However, give it a couple of days then come back maybe you may see it in a different light. I’ve been going over the poems I wrote a year ago and I find re – writing quite stimulating while I wait for my muse to return.

In the meantime I see your poem like this:-

The Story Teller...


Poignant words
He charms us all,
Surrounds us well
We flock like birds

Times a premium
Tear unobserved
Valid excuse
He never swerved

In retrospect
How arrogant,
Eyes reality
His eyes agleam

Never forget
Star in the sky
Brightening world
He’s not gone far
 
Back
Top