Should I discuss a childs behavior with his parents, when he is a guest at my house?

[B26]

We have really close friends who we talk to about every day. My son is best friends with their son, and we often take each others boys to do fun things (The boys are 9).

We the boys to a sporting event the other night, and before the game started, the boy was asking how much longer, so we could go back to my house and play Wii. He has a Wii, as do his grandparents, its not like he has never played it before, he just would rather play video games.

I specifically bought the boy a ticket after explaining the event to him, ensuring he wanted to go. He appeared very excited about going. However he complained before the event even started, and by the middle he was almost in tears because he wanted to play video games. We ended up leaving before the event was over because of his constant complaints and no one was having fun. It was just too much.

I was angry because this could have been something we did just as a family, but I wanted to show my sons interests to his friend. Today, we were at a BBQ with the family and the boys uncle was asking us how he was for us, apparently the uncle took him to Disneyland the other day, and he complained all day and cried that he wanted to go home and play Wii. I told the uncle that he seemed to have fun, but appeared distracted at times. I feel that if I say the truth (he was almost unbearable and I wouldnt bring him again), that it will cause bad blood. On the other hand, I dont think the parents realize the degree of the obession because they dont allow him to play it, and he is punished for asking them to play. He has to do deeds to earn time on the Wii, so his time at home is very limited and he knows not to ask, or he will be punished. I understand that kids will try to take advantage of certain situations, however this was insane. I have never seen a child act like this.

Do I mention this to the mom? I know the uncle mentioned it to her, so she is slightly aware, however I dont think its fair if its downplayed because she thinks he was so good with me.

 

[LucyB18]

You should definitely raise it with the parents. They should be not only regulating the time their son spends playing computer games, but spending time with him themselves and making sure that he develops other interests. Often computer game addiction can be a sign that a child is underconfident or has weak social skills to begin with - computer games can be a way to avoid uncomfortable interactions with other people (i know this from my own experience - i was very much a computer geek at that age, and it's even more unusual for a girl!).

You should be careful not to bring your own anger into the discussion - the parents will take it much better if you phrase it as concern for their child's development. If you are really close with this family, they will understand that it isn't something you would raise if you didn't feel genuinely worried about it. as you say, you have done lots of activities with the two boys before, but have never before had cause to think of not inviting him again. you should be totally open with them that you found his behaviour too demanding and that it made you all uncomfortable.

I would suggest to them that perhaps punishing their son for asking to play is not the most constructive approach - as you point out, it just means he asks other people rather than them, and masks the problem from them. It would be better if they let him ask as much as he wants, but let him know that when they say "not today", they mean it - and punish him instead for disregarding this and playing without permission. eventually their son will realise for himself that asking to play wii won't get him anywhere if it's just not on the cards for the day. this will mean that he won't be so keen to ask other people.

if this obsession is recently developed, it may be that this child has other anxieties in his life (bullying at school, academic pressure/failure etc) that he is trying to escape from. taking a very active interest in their son's emotional state could bring some of these issues to light and perhaps make them easier for him to deal with.

it may also be, of course, that restricting his access to the wii at home is at the root of the problem, making it something slightly more exciting to do outside the home. they could always try letting him play when he wants until he gets bored with it, or insisting that when he plays, he plays alone and that it not be used when his friends are round.

I doubt, if the parents are sensible, that you raising the issue will cause bad blood. If it does, however, you need to assess whether you want to continue to be friends with people who react so badly to criticisms - bear in mind that the parents are secondary role models to your son as well as theirs. you should also remember that this situation is caused not by your reaction, but by their boy's bad behaviour in the first place.