short love poem...please read?!?!?

T

twinkiequeen

New member
i made this poem i'm not good with nouns and shit like that i just felt like writing for someone, its not finish yet hope you enjoy any suggestions?!?!...thnkz XD

when i see you:


when i see you, you take my heart, you took everything i have, though i don't fight for it back i don't feel that i have too.
i don't mind you taking everything i have...because you are everything i am....but I am fading..and know when i look at you...you look
away..when i say hi..you say...bye..i gave you everything..you took everything...you are everything. But what am i suppose to do when you cant see me no more?
my heart is crying..for you..and the louder it cry's the less you hear it. I don't think i deserve you...but i cant see myself with anyone els but you
 
hi
ok
first i think you should break up the poem in lines rather then having it all bunched up
second
if you don't mind i have a small adjustment
i gave you everything..you took everything=i gave you everything..you took it all away

also try to stay away from repetition coz when you repeat the same thing through out the poem it dulls the poem
it needs a little work
i can tell you are going through a hard time in you life don't directly reflect it in you poem

keep writing and if you need any help or just someone to talk to contat me
take care
 
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