its 10:17 pm sunday. today was rough, did my last 3 codeines today, last one at 8pm, and i nodded off, just woke back up now.
So Im completely out. doin this cold turkey again. Never did hear back from my frind with the morphines, but like i said Im sour about that now, and im determined to cut myself off starting right now. Morning ill have some aches. my gf friend said shell give me some ativans for sleep, as for tommorrow it will prob be a lot of layin in bed/getting up and walkin it off.
since im bout to detox i feel like telling you all about how i detoxed the first time around, hence my screen name 'second go'. This will be long and epic, so if ur not interested, hit that back arrow button and do your thing. But this was a very heavy part of my life for me last year so Im going to share it w you. grab a tea and come along:
it was august of last year and my frienRAB n gf were all going up to the kootenays for a 5 day electronic music camp/dance party/drug environment, or rave as some ol school ppl might call it. Only nowadays if you dont know, the music is 50 times better.
we planned our trip for thurs fri sat sunday and drive back monday. It is an 8-9 hour drive up there. pepole travel from all over the world to rip it up at this event called Shabhala! OMG the thought of the name just gives me excited shivers, we go every year, and have a blast!
So I packed 3 oxy 80s for the trip....i was doing an 80 a day, but figured i could buy some up there when i ran out, and i planned on making them last mayb the whole trip, cause theres mdma, and other substances ppl indulge in up there. So we drive up thursday morning, get there thurs night, set up camp, meet up w frienRAB and start the party off, but it was getting dark and thursday they kinda slow things down round 3am (the rest of the weekend, there are 5 stages that run 24hrs a day! and approx 10 000 ppl attend and camp out up there, i think ths year was over capacity and was about 14 000 ppl. something like that anywhoo.
friday morn, i pop an mdma at 10 am.....I like to get into it right off the bat and go to the lake n chill/meet up with frienRAB I see every year. This was the first year I went up with a habit (oxys).
so were partying im doin mdma, nibbling on my oxys..partying until 6am, when we usually go to sleep and wake at 9 am....I seemed to run out of my oxys by friday night tho. So I asked my group of frienRAB if anyone had opiates, they kinda looked at me funny, cause ppl are on everything but opiates up there. I asked another friend who I thought would have the hook up, nope she said they did all of theirs by that time. heres where I started to panic. I didnt want to run around yelling out if anyone had oxys! anyone got morphine?!, anyon got percs?!!! I started to feel like a junky /outkast amiRABt 14 000 drug induced party ppl.
it was surreal. I kept my shades on all day saturday and barely spoke to anyone (sleep was tough). I kept hoping that one friend would come through with a hook up, but she never did, and finding someone in that crowd of ppl is mission immpossible
Saturday morning I went to the first aid tent (the event is run extremely well with harm-reduction booths, drug testing booths, and a makeshift doctors unit) I asked tgem if they had any painkillers as I ran out and had back pains from a work injury. they looked at me funny, and said they could give me this pill, i cant recalll the name it was something like Niazopram or something, a big grey pill. they told me to take it w food or i might get internal bleeding, there was two in the bottle. well that got me through staurday afternoon, still aching like a mofo (i had been doing oxys everyday for 2 years, non stop). I stood by speakers to blast awaay the pain for about 2 hour that night but had to retreat to my tent at 8 pm, toooo achy, and agro, and worried. I took my gf's gravol, and miraculaously slept. (this was the night I had the staredown with myself in my gf's mirror...I was battling the addict in the mirror, and I had to win the stare down so I made myself belive that the addict in the mirror turned away before 'I' did. Now im battling myself!!
I woke up sunday to go to relieve myself at 6 am, and noticed minimal pain. I was kida shocked cause I had done lots of research on detox and oxy withdrawal, just because i was always studying whatever drug i was doing. I was kinda relived and surprised that I could walk around and had minimal aches. but i still needed to wear sunglasses all day cause bags under my eyes and you could just see in my eyes that i was hurting for a fix of any kind of opiate ..it would have made my night to get ahold of a pill. Asked that friend, she said meet "me at a certain tent around 5pm, I may have morphine" well that never happened.
sunday night it got really bad, the first aid tent told me they could only give me tylenol, and 'wouldnt have given me the othe pill the night before cause I would have needed a prescription for it', i told them (without ratting) that somone gave me something that helped me sleep and it was grey....., NOPE they gave me two tylenol and sent me off. So the whole trip had an underlying crappy vibe, despite it is one of the funnest partys anywhere. top DJS are there, etc.
I slept through most of the nighttime dj sets (soooomad!). Sunday night I told my gf I was going to drive home!!!!, I couldnt take it. AND have to deal with monday as well!!!!! prob with no sleep!!!! I was in my tent and ready to drive 9 hrs back home to get a pill! (leave the party of the year to go downtown and score a pain killer-I know awful) this is when I realized, hey I have a serious problem!!!
now I had a small 20mg pice of oxy in my pocket the whole time, knowing that id need it for the drive home! in my pocket this WHOLE TIME and I knew it. that was a mind game believe me!
the gf wouldnt let me go, she said I was nuts, etc etc. she didnt understand oxys the way I did, and she didnt understand how dangerous withdrawals with no care, can be. I told her I can go into a seizure or even die....she would let me go, she said I have some gravol you will be able to sleep, and that her friend had muscle relaxers...like 2 of em! whoopy.. muscle relaxers, cmon, that was not going to do anything for my pain or mood. Im screaming inside, tossing turning, aching, basically at my lowest point ever in life, next to my mother passing away a year before.(rest her soul).
well I took the gravol and AMAZINGLY fell asleep. I woke at 5 am to go to the portapotty again, and I felt minimal aches. I thought my goodness! am I over the hump? Is that it...ive gone through withdrawals in two days???!!! I was ecstatic!, I told my close frienRAB about my whole ordeal, told them I had been in my tent for that last 16 hours. I took off my shirt, took off my sunglasses, and I was getting a 'high' off of the accomplishment! was able to party a bit more, took an mdma, didnt make me happy at all haha, but well i guess it helped. And I was talking to the land up there, begging it to take my addiction away, begging it to take it and leave it up there!!! it was intense. and the was the land is, its like high mountains all around so it seems as if your in a kind of 'cradle' in the earth. I got comfort from that as well, like I was being taken care of by the universe! seriously! And not to mention the irony of kicking a drug addiction at a place where Everyone id doing substances!! thats what was an interesting piece for me. it did help because as you come down, you need certain things to help u come down slowly , a lttle weed here, a tylol 3 from a friend, some mdma, and the MUSIC which I love helped with my dopamine, and the peoples energy at that place is like none other!!! it shard to explain, you say hi to everyone you walk past. Similar to 'burning man' but id say a bit more of a 'love' spin on it! I look forward to it every year!
Monday we packed up, now Im still moving slow, dont get me wrong it was hard, but I was just so excited that I might have kicked my addiction without even intending to. the drive home was hell..we left at 2pm cause EVERYONE is trying to leave at same time 14 000 ppl in cars n campers. we sat in the hot sun in a row of cars n truck trying to leave the grounRAB for 2 hrs....we got off the site at about 330 pm monday. almost heatstroke plus what im going through..i was not a 'happy camper' wha wha whaaaaa.
so we leave at 330 it starts to get dark and rainy. the drive home took 10 and a half hours cause of the rain and visibility on the highways. We got home at 230 am. NOW HERES THE KICKER!!!! I planned my trip to come back and work tuesday morning at 630 AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! & I couldnt call in sick where i work!
My goodness, i slept for 2 hrs, going through withdrawals, got up at 6 and hit 7-11....got trail mix and gatorade, brought my vitamin one-a-days and b6's. and struggled throught the day. Interestingly it got worse by wednesday. I started having fluish symptoms now, and I had to book off a day of work...I could walk up stairs...nothing...so i went home laid in bed for hours just weak as ever,and my heart would race anytime i tried to get up and walk around, I was worried. But I kept it low-key, walked around my living room whenever i got the energy to get off the fouton.
the feeling though was like in the movie 'cast away' when tom hanks gets stranded on an island and at the end he gets over that wave that was keeping him on it, and tried and tried and got over the wave in his boat, and was free from the pull, keeping him on the island. I felt like I had just gotten over that 'seemingly immpossble' wave. I rented that movie the next day and it was quite emotional. I recommend it to addicts trying to kick habit, there are a lot of parallells in the movie.
Thursday and friday were still fluish symptoms, diahrea, and i threw up once. Well I was back to work on saturday, still taking my vitamins, trail mix and gatorade (must have went through 26 bottles that week) of the big G2 gatorages.
by monday I was feeling almost normal. My very good frienRAB made me a big salmon feast, then we went to the beach for a late night bon fire. So wicked!!!!
my frienRAB had all tried percs and the odd oxys in that year, but always took breaks, I was the one who went hardcore not missing a day.
by tues wednesday I was feeling almost 100 percent. I had no cravings to get pills. drove past the place id get them at, and didnt even feel anything, no urge nothing.
NOW, about a month later, im noticing that work was stressin me out a bit. so I went and got an oxy 40. It was kinda like a for-ol-time-sake thing, and I was curious to see if it would now give me a high again, cause for so many months before the camp I was just scoring to feel normal....zero high at all.
So my durab A$$ got a 40 mg, did it, it wasnt anything special. But next week I started to think. what if I got an oxy80 and carried it with me as a reminder of what I went through (which was really an epic journey for me). I thought, mabe if I carry one around it will give me a strength, like "im carrying my cryptonite in my pocket and its not affecting me"
Durab thing to do....i started getting and 80 a week again, then I switched to morphine cause i thought it would be less potent, and well, a different drug, so I can say 'hey im not taking oxys!'
So there I was getting morphine, and have been for about 5 moths now.
And now im back to that day at camp when I ran out, but i feel this time im not coming off of a 2 year bender....its more like 5 months of morphine and codeine abuse.
well thats my story ...and I am determined to kick again starting today...I just did my last codeine at 8 pm, and have mothing left...i will gab my gf's frienRAB ativans maybe 4 or 5 to help me sleep for the next 3days cause I have 3 days off starting tommr.!!!! withdrawals..Im ready for you... I want o mind-over-matter this as much as i can, and I dont want to worry about the day ahead. Im going one day at a time, and am surprisingly looking forward to kicking this powerful opiate for the second time... thanks for reading, it helps to get these things off my chest, and it reminRAB me of what I have to do....
Talk tommorrow you all!!! and keep fighting it...I plan on continuing to post on here everyday for at least a couple months. I want to say "30 days clean!".... have a great one guys...gnite
ps no spell check...too tired! lol
