sand

[o0.yeah]

saturday trains are 12 o'clock pains
the clang of their rails resound
as harmonica notes
the only music to be found -
the only way to keep myself sane
in the wake of your absence
you who sing to me
with your yellowed notes and
stretches of sand
dunes rolling over your body
as I collapse
a parched excuse for a man

 

[Laughable]

This doesn't seem as strong as most of the other stuff I've seen you write, but I like the impact of the last line.

 

[Corinyy!]

The last line was nice, yes. The rest seemed to lack a little substance though. I kind of liked the first line too actually, but the rest needed padding out some i think, to make it a little less vague and more enticing.

 

[Roko]

yeah, i skip between too many different notions in the very little space of the poem, so it's pretty vague. i might expand it if i get an idea. thanks for the crit guys