Rock and a hard place

M

mic the cat

New member

I currently find myself stuck between a hard place and a rock.

So here I am finding myself unaware and completely confused on a certain aspect of life. You see, ovarian cancer is hereditary in my mother's side of the family also meaning I or my sister could get it when I am older.

My Aunt Shelley past away on Halloween of 2005 from ovarian cancer. When I had first moved to GA, my mother asked me to go to South Carolina with her to see her sister because she was dying. Little did I know that this small trip would turn into a "few months" visit living in her tiny house and taking care of her.
I've seen people in the process of dying before. I was a little girl when my mother was the unofficial "appointed" caretaker of her own cancer ridden mother. I won't even go into the bizarre months before she died.

I loved my Auny Shelley very much but it's alot of weight for a parent to ask of a daughter to share the burden. Although I've had my own personal life experiences, being sexually abused for 12 years which in a way keeping it a secret is like dying a little everyday.
To see what actually happens to a body and mind during this actual living breathing process though is really to much for even a doctor to comprehend.
Yes, you can put it into scientific/medical terms but it's not what your heart sees.

It's something different and entirely too impossible a cause to be able to watch someone you love rot away, fade off become something maybe only in a hospital nightmare.

She wasn't in the hospital, we took care of her until SHE DIED. I didn't cry when she finally passed away and in fact I don't cry for her death at all. I am sorry cancer took her but to watch someone, help them shower and use the restroom and dress them, to do all the things a nurse does.
We couldn't even eat in front of her because we felt so guilty that she had to have some sort of thing through an IV all day.

I'm sure if anyone has ever seen someone in the last stages of cancer or watched someone die then they know that no matter where you escape to you always have the smell of sickness and death on your clothes.
What a horrible, horrible thing it is to witness.



My Aunt Chay in New York (where I am originally from) also has ovarian cancer, she is DYING from it. This woman is like my second mother.
Here is my mother again, begging me to go to New York and stay a few months with her to take care of her. I told her no.
Was I selfish to do it? Absolutely. I would love to see her and take care of her, if. IF I knew she was getting better.
If it is selfishness to not want to watch a family member rot away till it makes you sick inside then I suppose I am the epitome of it.

My mother doesn't ask me because of any Saintly Reason nor does she consider my feelings on the subject. She asks me because she can't ask anyone else, she doesn't have as much influence on them, they wouldn't be as strong. She tells me to go with her because SHE IS AFRAID TO GO HERSELF.

I've sat her down and told her all these things. She has told me she is disgusted with me and that my Aunt will be DISAPPOINTED IN ME if I don't go.



So here I am, racked with indescion, a rock and hard place.
I have school to start soon in the summer, a job to get . . . I'm broke.

She says she has no ideas how many months she would be gone. If it were 2 or 3 months I would go but I don't trust her not to keep me up there for 5 months or the 10 months. I don't think she would help me back to GA on a train or plan or any other type of transportation. When my mother wants her own way, she gets it and NO ONE defys her.
I'm the only person who sticks up for myself in my family.

I have been trying to fix myself inside, as I have always been a negative unhappy, depressed person. I have been doing so well I think, my personality is much more energetic and friendly. I'm feeling more confident and secure about myself.

Would this kind of thing set me back from what I have made so far?
I suppose I am selfish because while she lies dying, I'm concerned about my own future

To go.
Or not to go.

:sad:
 
I'm sorry you're going through this, sweetie. :hug2: I haven't been through death in my family or seen any death first hand, so I'm afraid I can't really help much except to offer my support and willingness to listen. My stepmom had to watch her mother die from cancer, and I know how hard it was on her. She freaks out now whenever she hears anything from her father that might be even remotely cancer related. She says she couldn't go through that again.
My advice to you would be to stick to your guns. Maybe you can save up some money to make a trip on your own to see this aunt at some point, but if you've been through one death it's too much of your mother to ask you to go through another, especially at such a young age and everything you've been through. It may seem selfish, and in reality it is, but sometimes a little selfishness is needed. That's just my opinion, though.
 
I have been in a similar place that you are in now, but for very different reasons. Parents can be overly demanding of their children and forget or just ignore how a situation may be effecting you. They can be selfish in a way they dont often see, even when you tell them how you feel.

I had a similar conversation with my mother many years ao, and later with my father over a situation that had blighted nearly 15 years of my life. I came to a decision that I couldnt continue to live my life with the burdens that had been thrown on me, its not that I didnt want to help but the situation that was part of my life for so long have effected me health wise and I wanted to put it behind me and move on.

Although I knew that that situation for them wouldnt be resolved, the way I had to see it was that everyone has to live there lives under there own terms, no one elses, and if they wished to do that, that was their decision. Its hard I know and a little part of me feels selfish, but i cant live someone elses life, i wouldnt ask anyone else to do that for me.

I think you already know what you want to do and need to do, its best to make a stand now.

Also I have to add that probably a part of you is worried about getting this later in life and watching family die over and over is effecting you personal level.

I really understand you not wanting to do this again, and no, you're not being selfish.
 
Im only 20 but I have seen three of my closest family die of cancer. Its awful- especially towards the end! Thier personality changes and when you have to care for them (bathing, clothing) it takes the magic away from your memory.
I am so sorry that you were put into this position!

Now is the time to think of yourself. If your mum wants to be a carer then let her. Its obvious that you have your own life to lead and why should any situation take that away from you.

You are probably feeling guilty at the moment- as you said you are being pulled two ways. Dont worry about your mum, she will be fine. worry about yourself.

As long as you have seen your aunt as much as you could- whilst dealing with you own life then there is no reasone to feel guilty.

I hope you work this out. Good luck!
 
I too feel it is NOT selfish of you to stay put where you are. It's rediculous to feel you should do this thing, when you so do not want to. If your mom is dead set on doing it, that's her choice. Just like it's your choice not to.
 
You need to move on with your life hun. Your mom can't see your needs as more important than your aunt who is dying. She probably isn't putting much thought on how long this could be and how it might take too much of your time away that you could be moving on, nor is she thinking about your mental stability and the need you have to keep it right now while your trying to put your life on a track for the future.

I am wondering if she is (even somewhere deep down and unaware of) worrying about her own mortality and who will take care of her. This might be something going through her mind and scares her as well.

Since you've sat down and discussed the issue with her and that didn't seem to help, maybe you might bring this up in a different angle. Tell her you can't be spending your whole life nursing your dying relatives and you wish to get your life in place. She might need assurance that when/if she'll need you you'll be there for her. I'm not sure how you could approach this without bringing up such a morbid discussion, but since it is so relevant in your family, it's only logical to assume that she has her own worries of her own health, so I doubt it would be too out of place.

At any rate, I'm sorry you're having all this on you, hun. I hope you and your mother can come to terms with this. :hug2:
 
I wish I could help you through this, Jude :hug2: It really is the epitome of a rock and a hard place. I think it is unfair of your mother to try to guilt you into going. You're very young (i know you hate to hear that kind of thing, but you are) and this kind of responsibility is, in my opinion, too much for someone so young to be forced to bear once, even more so twice. Why does she say this is your responsibility? Where is the rest of the family during all of this?

You're an adult now (yes, i know, i said you were very young) so ultimately it is your decision and you need to do what you feel is best. You know how much you love your aunt, and i'm sure your aunt knows it as well.

If there is anything at all I can do to help, please let me know.
 
first post here I will try to make it a good one.


I know somewhat what you are going through, my grandmother is terminally ill among other things and she has slowly been dieing for the past few years. I know what it is like to watch someone be dieing every day, even though my grandmother walks around the house daily and seems in good, its because she is so doped up on medicine she is able to pull it off, she was actually suppose to die like 4 years ago (doc gave her 3 months) but she still has her "episodes" where she has to be rushed to doctor. Mainly due to the chemo.

Basically its up to you in the end. You cant let someone push you into that. If you think you can go through with it then do it, but by means should you feel selfish for not wanting to.



but in the end, no one deserves to die alone, thats why I put up with my grand mother living with my family and having to go through her sessions.
So it just depends on if you can handle it.
However it is your "second mother" as you have previous stated so it would help her to know that alot of people care, and for you to be there. But she would understand if you werent there.
 
I agree with Tostig. Your mother shoudn't force this onto you. You're not selfish, you just don't want to go through with this again.

If you would like to see her, I saw you should drop in for a few days as you wish, and if your mother wants you to stay, just stand up for yourself. Try and make her see where you are coming from.

I hope things turn up. :hug2:
 
Hey, I have been where you're at.

My father died of cancer. I looked after him for two years with the rest of my family. After he died, my granmother was diagnosed with terminal Leukemia. (Dad's mom.) I felt guilty as sin because I wouldn't look after her like I did my dad. I was roughly your age give or take a couple of years. (21-23 in my case)

Actually, my grandmother died 7 weeks, 3 days after my dad. I saw her once. She lived about a 2 minute drive away. But the truth is, at that age, having just dealt with what I saw, I didn't have the mental reserves to deal. I wasn't strong enough. I'm not a medical professional, I had my own life to worry on and I just could not be there for my Grandma like I was there for my dad. I felt guilty about that for quite a long time. But later I realized that no, it's ok, because in the end, I did the best I could. Some might have said it wasn't enough but they weren't in their early 20's trying to start their own lives. At that age, life is full of insecurities as it is, and it's simply not fair to push someone to deal with being a nursemaid.

The best you can do Jude is to do what YOU need. Don't bow to your mom's pressure just because she wants you there. Explain to her that you don't have the strength to do it. She's probably a bit afraid that it'll be her next and then what will you do?

And if she won't get it, well... tough. Talk to your aunt. Hell, even go visit her, just don't be her nursemaid. Remind your mom that you aren't a trained medical professional either.

Just try to make your mom understand just how hard it really is on you. She may not listen but tell her she's being selfish, pushy and demanding. There is no easy way out of this one. You run the risk of seriously pissing your mom off, or you spend the next xyz months in NY taking care of someone that should be in hospice care.
 
Sometimes I wonder if it really is too selfish to deny her and maybe I deserve to see that or something is pushing me in that direction to experience it all over again. I think honestly everything I've worked hard for in myself would fall and I'd be trapped in my own feelings again and withdrawing completely.
:sad: I feel incredibly selfish/guilty.
/major heartbreak
I think this is going to swallow me up.

I got into a fight with my mom about it tonight and I don't think she understood at all.
 
Have you talked to the aunt?

Seems to me like someone who isn't your mom may better understand where you're coming from on your decision.

I may be wrong however, as I don't know any of you...

But usually, people that aren't your parents seem to 'understand' you best, just because they don't have as many preconceived notions about your actions, and actually listen to you when you have something to say.

Honestly, I think since you have aired your greviences with your mom, your aunt deserves to hear your side too.

Knowing what you can and can't handle is part of life.

I've probably told someone else this, but if you don't stand up for you, and do what you want, no one is going to do it for you.

Not to mention it's not fair for you mother to make your decisions anymore. That'll have to stop at some point. If it's not this go 'round, it'll have to happen on the next, or the time after that.

I used to think for a long time that what I was doing wasn't good enough for some people. Like my parents and my grandparents and other family and friends. But, then I realized. If my best isn't good enough for them, why would I even WANT to impress them? Let them worry, and look down on me. It's their life their life that's being affected by the negativity. Not mine.

Self-esteem and self-confidence aren't going to pop out of nowhere some magical day. You're going to have to challenge yourself, find your own strengths, and find people that can help you find yourself. Not people that want to mold, or cast you into a group. But true friends.

I'm sure you have true friends, and may well already know it, but I've also learned that friends are most often stronger than you realize.
 
[FONT=&quot]Hey Jude I can't say I know what you are going through, but I can say I have been through allot for my age. Whenever anything bad happens everyone thinks its there fault, it
 
Jude, it's not selfish to know your limits and to persue your own dreams. It's selfish for others to expect you to continuously put yourself asside and do things for them.

You know what your limits are and ONLY you can decide when you've hit them. BWM's right. Talk to the aunt. It's not going to be easy but see how she feels about it. I mean after all, she IS the one who's dieing. Seems fitting that she might be included on the decision. Although there is a risk that she'll feel the same way as your mother and then you'll feel WAY worse about the whole thing.

You have to do what you know is right for you. That may piss your mom off, or it may mean you play nurse made for the next xyz months in NY. None of us can tell you which. You need to make that decision yourself.
 
Sounds like your mom is not getting the big picture here. She's too close to the situation being that it's her sister. I would talk to your aunt directly and tell her why you can't or won't come. She'll understand if you tell her it's just too hard to watch someone you love die. I know I would understand if I was her.
 
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