Roaches.

K

karam a

New member
Fear.

I needed to get some things off my chest, If you are reading this you don't have to reply, several things have been bothering me lately and I just need to vent them in a safe way.

At times fear seems to overwhelm and take hold of me. There seems to be no freedom in this world of eternal struggle and strife from fear, except for death. Death is absolute. However, I am not! I am too strong and yet too weak to bring it upon myself. There are times I wish I could summon up the strength to do such a selfish act. To ends one life is a tragedy, a tragedy my life will not allow. Oh, how I've tried! Again and Again! But, yet to no prevail.

I am a waste, I am worthless, I am not what my mother would want me to be, Oh how I could be so loved if I were to have her in my life, these were my reasons for putting an end to myself, but I found them so unsubstantiated that I disregarded them. The thought comes to me that I am so weak not to summon the strength to end my own life is truly pathetic, and yet so beautiful--For my self-hatred to be so strong and for my will to be so dead that I could not do so amazes me.--that there is something inside of me strong enough for me to live. I have come to realize my own personal nirvana, in a way. Death is the freer for those who do not wish to fight, for those too weak to find their own path and illumination. I do not want to be free!

What is in the past is what will remain in the past. The driving chill of past addictions, and the solemn warmth that comes with the healing after, our the motivators that drive me today.

The thing that frightens me to my very soul--If I were to have one.--is the Burning Man that follows me, and torments me in my toughest and most trying moments. That is without the drugs, I'm fearing that I am going mad. I've been three months sober and yet I am still haunted and utterly petrified of that ominous figure. To see a fellow human being burning alive, skin cooking, covered in horrendous burns is truly bone-chilling.

Nothing is more frightening than reality itself, or the lack of. I fear I am suffering from both.
 
...holy fuck, Slusho.

As I read the beginning, all I could do was nod my head, because you are right. I've thought the same way for years. I've never come close to contemplating ending my own life, but I've had a similar perspective on life and death.

I'm not sure about the whole Burning Man thing though...Not that I doubt you, or question any part of it. I just fail to understand exactly what you mean. One thing is for certain, though. I'm not sure what drugs you were on that may have made this terrible life easier to deal with, but whatever drugs they were, they are everything but your ticket to salvation. They don't remedy the problem, rather just give you something else to worry about.

Whatever your ailment is, hold strong, man. As a fellow human being, the untimely loss of a brother is never welcomed.
 
I tend to get that effect. People listen to me when I have something deep to say, and it swiftly changes from 'Yeah I know what your talking about.' to 'What the fuck are you saying!?'

I know the drugs did not heal, but they strongly hindered what I am to day and what I've could of been. I'm glad to be sober for once in my life. The Burning Man is something that holds me, a conscience never clean. It is-- Or should I say he?--Is something that I'm finally grasping at. Maybe I'm losing my mind. It's hard to relate to something I do not know, something unknown, a presence beyond my comprehension, a presence that plagues me, and I am sure that goes for every other human being. There seems to be a dark cloud above what's left of my family and I. A curse. I believe it to be such a thing because we are the offspring of rape, mental illness, and suicide.


I put 'roaches' as the title of this thread for a reason if anyone is wondering. Roaches symbolize eternity.
 
Holy shit dude... You are now officially on my hero list. Seriously man, not many people at all can see that about themselves, or even accept something like that. It's just amazing how you saw that... But now, is the time to do something about it. You said "You are not what your mother wanted you to be." Either you meant that as she wanted you to be a doctor, fireman, so on so on, or you mean towards being a moral person.

Well, heres the obvious kicker mate. You CAN still do that. It is never to late to do something new. Now, in all honesty you may already be a damned great person, just you won't give yourself the two cents you deserve. Do what you think you need. Restarting is your choice, and starts with your actions. Keep it up man.
 
Good job on the recovery Slusho. I never understood the love of drugs myself, not downing anyone here, but I am happy enough to not need them to push away pain.
Look toward the things in life that are rare, and that will lift your spirits.
 
Damn just by reading your first post I can tell your upset alot man..Sorry about the past but dont look to suicide man. I know you are probably having one hell of a rough moment and that it may even last for months or years, but just dont look to suicide..
Like others said, look at the brighter side of life..You know, go somewhere nice for a while if you can..Things CAN change my friend.

Good luck Slusho, take it easy pal.
 
Slusho, I can understand from an inner perspective exactly what you are going through. Mine do not center around what your experiences are, but I can honestly say that I have things from my past that constantly haunt me.

As I told you in a rep note, you have your burning man, and I have what I like to call my abyssmal woman. To me, she's a figurative representation of everything dark in my life, that inner demon that refuses to leave at times. She's my depression, my former self-mutilation, my former suicide attempt, and my anxiety all in one.

I have been heavily medicated for years. Every few years we have to switch medications because my body gets used to the chemicals, and my imbalance goes back to being just that - an imbalance. If we don't switch, chances of me having a major anxiety attack goes from a 10% chance back up to a 70%. I hate dealing with the medications, and I'd much rather not take them - but it seems to keep the major anxiety attacks at bay (the ones that land me in the hospital because of major physical issues).

Since I was little, when I hurt someone or made someone mad, punishing myself seemed to make thing easier on me. The physical pain brought a solace to me because I knew that I was in pain too, just like my friend. The first time this got brought to anyone's attention was in daycare after my best friend and I fought (stupid argument, over what, I can't remember). I scratched the inside of my arm raw, and I didn't even realize how bad I had done it. When the head lady of the daycare noticed I had been in the corner crying, she came over to check on me and immediately saw what I was doing. She freaked out and called my mom. It was then that I started hiding it, and doing it more scarcely. The biggie was when I attempted suicide. In my drugged state, I mutilated my arm beyond recognition (thankfully, most of the cuts weren't deep enough to have lasting scars). The attempt failed, and I spent the weekend being completely out of it and making technicolor paste in my dorm room toilet. None of my roomates were there, because it was Thanksgiving weekend.

The last time I self mutilated ended me in a psych ward for a month. It was during a blackout moment anxiety attack. I woke up to find my arm bleeding, and my mother on the phone, saying she was calling the ER and my CoC. The first bit of medication that they put me on kept me in such a haze that processing any thought was like a workout for my mind. It just seemed so hard. In other words, opiates and I do not like each other. The second medication that they switched me to had no effect at all. I would cry for no reason, and lock myself in my room and refuse to come out. The third one was the charm. It's been working pretty well so far, although there are times that I don't feel like it's doing it's job adequately. It's kept major anxiety attacks at bay, though.

All the things in my mind that plague me are my abyss. Sometimes I find myself sucked in there, and sometimes it feels like I can't get out. Other times, it feels like I'm going crazy. That's why I lean on people that I trust and love, because they will pull me out of there when nobody else can.

It may seem crazy right now, Slusho, but I thoroughly believe that if you have the prowess to realize what's going on in your reality, you can pull through. At least, as an optimist, I've got that faith in you. You've realized what the problems were that were hindering you, and you've taken the time to better them. That's something that we've got in common. Keep driving toward the point where you want to be, even if sometimes it seems like sanity is dangerously close to that thin line leading to the other side.
 
Most people don't have the will to overcome genetic programming, and kill themselves. I'm glad you're recovering from bad things in your life, and I hope you continue to do well. Imagining "choosing life" as some noble option is hilariously misguided, as one of the only universal concepts in nature is the desire to survive. Survival isn't a feat, it's the most common thing in the world, until the end.

The desire to survive, no matter WHAT, is the default.

I think the desire to LIVE, is far rarer, and more precious.
 
I think he's gotten over the point of being on that verge, like I have. Perhaps the urge is still there, but the fact remains that he's beyond that point. Or at least that's what I understood from what I read. I'll let him correct me if I'm wrong.
 
I didn't really know how to respond to this when I first read it. Reading it again I can say I'm inspired. I think we all have such feelings in different degrees. And DG, sometimes other people can't even help you, they don't know what it's like being in your head.
 
I have past that point, bust sadly the urge is still there and lurks in a mysterious way, but I'm using every possible tool at my disposal to overcome it. It will plague me for the rest of my days. That's something I'm going to have to deal with in my life until I find the strength to over come my flaws. The urge to end myself is seeming to fade into the past, but as before that urge is known to resurface more powerful than before.

Life becomes so much more difficult when your tip towing on the edge insanity, an edge I have many times fallen into--too many times--a place where I had to struggle to survive. I hope that the worst is behind me, I really do, but fear drags me to that eternal abyss time to time. I fear the next time I'm to fall into that pit of insanity there will be no way out. I will be the death of me until I am able to save myself. No matter how much I put off the suicidal tendencies, and how much I strengthen my will, the darkness that consumes me and my family will always be there. Waiting, watching to strike at the weakest moment. I only hope I am to survive the next blow.

I'm am starting to really believe that there is a palpable ominous presence meant to destroy the remaining of my family. I think it began with my grandfather who I never knew. He was a rapist. He raped my grandmother. She then gave birth to my father, being and orphan he was adopted and later on started a family of his own, a family short lived. Half of us were dead withing the first few years. Leaving only myself, my father, and my brother. My brother is inflicted with a chronic addiction to crack cocaine, an addiction he pasted on to me. An addiction that lead to heroin and meth.

Realizing the errors of my way I quickly got into recovery and transformed myself into a some what functioning human being. For the first time in life I was able to function without the drugs! But, however it did not put and the reasons why I always blamed the death of my mother on myself, what I could of been if I were to have her in my life. A luxury I did not receive was a mother to show compassion, love, and understanding in life. Compared to what I'm and what she wanted me to be are vastly different. My morals, my actions, who I came to be are the complete opposite of what she was. I'm a failure, I could of been so much more in life, but refused to do so.


I know I am to live, suicide is something my life will not allow, and neither am I . I will find the strength to overcome. The past is grim, but the future holds a dimming illumination, an illumination I will grasp no matter the struggle or the hardship that lies a head of me, I will overcome!
 
That's how it is for me many times. My chemical imbalance is the main cause of all my dark moments, and sometimes it likes to sneak up on me and kick me in the ass. I wonder why I'm alive. I wonder why people care. I wonder what good I'm doing here. Selfish thoughts, mainly. Selfish in the ways I start thinking things would be better without me. My catalyst was in 2005, and although the thoughts and the urge still lies under the surface, I don't let it overcome me.



I have that fear as well, but I try my best to not let those thoughts and fears consume me. I find strength in those that I care about - my family, friends, and even people here, believe it or not. All of these things keep me from teetering into that black pit that likes to pull me down further each time.



Family issues have a lot to do with some things. Most of my problems were from natural imbalances, but family issues came into play as well. I'm not going into detail, but it was pretty rough. You've had it harder than me by a long shot though, and I commend you for surviving this far. I want you to continue to do so, no matter what the fear is.


I wouldn't think that about yourself. Think about the things that you can become. Life isn't over yet, and with your tenacity, I don't believe it will be any time soon. You have a fighting spirit. At least that's what I gather from what you've told us this far.



These last words are exactly what I mean. You have that fighting spirit. Hold tight to it, no matter what, and don't let go. When things get hard, keep going.

Also, I know I'm a complete stranger, but I'm willing to talk if you need to. Shoot me a PM with whatever if you want.
 
I suggest Slusho, and you as well Danni, contact me anytime, I enjoy helping in such cases, and everyone always tells me I am a good listener and have some good advice. I think my advice is average, but it seems to do more than that.
And the main thing that will help more than I can, is prayer. Even if you don't believe in that, I will pray for all of ya. ;)
But seriously, if you need a virtual shoulder, I am always here for it.
 
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