Review the beginning of my story?

[Lani G]

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/bluizmicolor/277963/

Please be as harsh as you'd like, but if it sucks, please give me the reasons why it sucks. Also, if it happens to be good, please tell me why you liked it. Thanks!

 

[Lau]

no terms, pathetic fallacy, triplets or emotive language u suck!

Im 14!