Relapse and a long look at my life.

B

Benjamin B

New member
Today I relapsed and I'm a little pissed at myself for it. The drug was adderall not really a heavy one but I took allot (about 250mgs). It was a combination of long work week, the 90% chance of me going back to jail for 60 days not by choice, and my now ex-girlfriend (the same girl who apparently loved me and got me into rehab) getting back with a 2x ex-boyfriend who I knew before ever meeting her and is a complete waste of life. I should have taken Apollyon, and Coa's advice and not rushed into a relationship....

It's not all bad though. I took a good long look at the blur of a life I've had since I started using and why I used (with a little more focus than in the past, and I wrote it all down. Let me if you really want to read it but I'm not going to post it for the whole world to see.) and decided jail would probably be very good for me...as odd as that sounds (I now intend to ask the judge to send me back on Wednesday.). It offers a good opportunity for me to get my body back to its old pre-hard-drug physical state, will end my legal drama for now, and afterwords I plan to enlist. This will suck as far as my morals are concerned (absolutely do not support the government) but it offers a good opportunity to get out of the culinary industry and into a better profession. Not to mention it offers a great chance for me to sever almost all the ties to the drug world through my "friends" and by moving away, by doing this I can hopefully kick my addiction for good. I can't believe I'm about to say this but...Jail is actually offering me a cleanish slate.

As for now, I just quit my job, and called one of the few family members who hasn't basically kicked me out of the family and I'm going to stay with him until my court date. Staying with him offers a good opportunity to blow off some steam hunting and helping take care of his coyote problem :D as well as put me in a place that I can even find a bag of pot.

In short,
If I wasn't so god damn stubborn probably could have realized earlier in my life that as fun as drugs are:
THEY FUCK YOUR LIFE UP AND TAKE CONTROL OF YOU BY SENDING YOU DOWN THE "WRONG PATH", PULLING YOU DEEPER DOWN IT BY MAKING THE ONLY WAY OUT SEEM TO BE TO GET THAT MUCH HIGHER.
Sadly it took a year of hell for me to realize this, but its for the better....I guess:happysad:

EDIT: This wasn't my first relapse since I was discharged. But it really got me thinking about how well I could cope without drugs, Hell even in rehab the only thing I was really was told is "drugs are bad and you should quit before it completely ruins you". Well that only worked for a bit and then I thought maybe the drugs actually had fucked my life up already. I looked what my all options are to try and make a sober life and that my best option was to start my life over completely.
 
Good luck man. Some people have addictive personalities, and can't just enjoy recreational drug use. They get dragged in deeply, and you don't know which one you are 'til you try it, and that can be too late for some few.

This guy I work with got fired today because he relapsed into Meth, again. It IS fucking up his life. He has a serious drug problem brought on by addictive personality disorder. I really liked the guy and I'm very sad his life turned to shit again.

Some people shouldn't try or take drugs, fo sho.

Good luck.
 
Good luck dude! I wish more people would realise that drugs are crap, and those who use them are idiots. (Pot and alcohol not necessarily included.)
 
I've been through the same, and I wish you the best of luck.

In a sense, I burned my bridges for the sake of not being able to pass over them, sometimes it's all you really can do.

:thumbsup:

Do good out there.
 
If you're going to enlist, talk to a recruiter before you go to the slammer. They may be able to work something out with the judge. You never know...
 
250 mgs? Are you fucking kidding?

Id like to point out that adderall only goes up to 30 mg capsules. You would have had to have taken like 8 and a half to get that much. Even when I was going to school and they maxed out my dosage, I was only taking one 30mg in the morning and one 10mg at noon. I made the mistake of taking them at one time just once and my heart didnt stop pounding. How did you not die?
 
Realizing where your choices have landed you is the biggest step of them all. Being able to be honestly objective of yourself takes courage, and I commend you for it. It's not an easy task peering into the reflecting pool and not averting your gaze at what you see. We are all addicts of one kind or another. For some it's drugs, others it's shopping, sex, video games, any of those things we do to convince ourselves that this is the reality of who we are when in truth we find ourselves further and further away from where our very souls thrive.

It's all too easy to become pissed off at our own hearts whenever we show that we are fallible humans. But it takes work not to lose our humanity in little bites at those times. The person we think we are isn't always the true reflection, thankfully! We just forget. But, life always give us the opportunity to remember again, and in our remembering, we realize we have far more strength and quiet pride than once believed. Realizing that we will ALWAYS make mistakes and being able to forgive ourselves for being human is the platform for our own perfection. We CAN be perfect. Perfectly ourselves in seeing and believing that we are doing the best we can at any moment to simply BE.

Keep in mind wherever the road takes you that it wasn't the drugs that fucked things up. To be blunt, it was you. You thought that you could tame the dragon and possess it when in turn it possessed you, affected your mind, and lured you away from what you really loved, namely, you. No one in this world can love you the way that you can. There is the seat of all we become, the place we can see what is truly happening inside and the choice of what we can do about it.

Welcome to the threshold of true freedom!
 
,,,Yea it was 10 25mgs and with the amount of other drugs i have done, and my size its really nothing, but my heart did feel like it was going to explode for a few hours.
 
You're lucky you didn't at least end up in the ER Corruptor! I hope things work out for you and you do sound like you have your head on straight now. Good luck!
 
250mg of adderall isn't very much, unless you take it prescribed.

I've OD'ed a good few times, well not exactly it didn't feel all that good.
 
Well, good for you! It doesnt' matter when you come to a realization that you are not happy with your life and where it's headed. WHat matters is that you do sense you want to change AND you do somethign about it. You are right, jail may be the door you need to walk through right now. It may be the kick in the pants you need to head you in the right direction and a clean slate, as you put it.

Good luck!!!
 
As long as you actually do something about it instead of just talking about wanting to change over and over with no actual attempt, more power to you.
 
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