Really really hurting inside......

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FullCircle08

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This has taken me literally 2 months to even type this message. I am in deep this time and cant see a way out. I am a pill addict. I take oxy on a daily basis and hydro on a daily basis to oRABet the withdrawal. I drink at night and that is starting to get out of hand also. I have been on here for years and got clean 6-7 times with your help and my wife. This time I just cant do it. I wake up every morning (i call it the WITCHING HOUR) 4am -6am and sit in bed, cant sleep and dream of being sober. I have 3 wonderful kiRAB and a great supportive wife. She has helped me through this WAY To many times. I lie to her about this all the time and hate it. I am RIPPING through money and my body is hurting. I am very athletic and exercise hard each day, but I can feel the toll its taking on me.

I am ready to tell everyone I have a problem this time. I need to in order to get proper help. I need a medical detox that is safe and semi-comfortable. I cant do this by myself anymore. My problem seems to be getting worse and worse because i dont know where to go or who to ask. I live in a very RURAL area with limited health care options and i work in the health care /school field. Pretty soon, i am going to do something that either kills me or gets me in trouble with the law. I know this. I know that my boss would be very sympathetic to my problem and allow (possibly) for me to take some time to get better, but I dont know where to go? The internet is full of all these places that i dream about going to. Anyway. I have SOOOOOO much more to talk about. My story goes WAY back if you want to read a few posts. I am not even sure I am ready to tell anyone yet, I just thought that telling you guys would be a good first step.

D :confused:
 
Hello D,

So glad to see you're here and want to get the right help this time. I too, went through a similar situation, a few times, because I was afraid to talk to people about my addiction, and even more afraid of their reaction. You are doing it right this time. You're not holding those feelings in anymore.

I wish you the best of luck. Remeraber, we're all here for you too.

RegarRAB,
emsmom
 
Hi D
I have been a lurker for many years and I am very familiar with all your posts. What I gather is that you are a very kind strong person. Relapses happen and you really seem determined to end this. That is so evident in all your posts. I am in the same boat as you. However, my oxycodone (or hydrocodone) habit is usually about half of yours. I take between 40-80mgs a day when I am using. I am on day 2 today of yet another withdrawal and I am feeling crappy. I know if I hold out for 4 days or so, I do get much better. I honestly haven't pinpointted what triggers me to use again because I feel much better clean. Stress is not a trigger for me.

I called a rehab center last week and the lady was not too sympathetic to me. It made me feel awful. I guess I was not bad enough to have inpatient detox depsite this going on for 10 years. I hung up very discouraged. I also do not know if suboxone is right for me on my dosages. I have a bizaare tolerance. I have never dosed more tha 10mgs at a time in the 10 year habit. I always got the buzz I needed of 10mgs.

The one thing that worries me the most about you is your drinking. You know the dangers of alcohol and acetiminophen, if you are using any of that in your narcotics. If so, you must stop drinking. I have lucked out that I do not drink. I think the last time I had alcohol was at a HS reunion 2 years ago. I guess my liver has one thing to be thankful for.

Please keep us updated.
 
Just a quick update --I am glad that I got on earlier today because it forced me to come clean (once again) with my wife. We had a very long talk and decided that we need to do things different this time. We are going to open up the circle of who knows a bit more. I am going to tell my parents and we have already told her parents. They were very supportive and I am scared to death to tell my mom. i hope all of you are well

d
 
Hey FullCircle! Welcome back! If it took you two months to type that, you type slower than I do!! :-) hehe

We're glad you're back and want help. You are always welcome here. To be very serious and honest, I think you need professional help to get through this. I believe you need to see about checking into a detox center where they can work on the physical, and especially the mental, dependency that you have. It's the mental part that keeps dragging you back into your old habits and that is the part that neeRAB to be fixed. I know that you live in a rural area, but counseling is something you need to figure out what is the underlying problem causing your addiction. They can begin that part during detox, but you will need additional counseling for a long time. Use the money you were spending on drugs for something good that you and your family can benefit from - counseling.

I really hope that you can do it this time. We're here to help you through it. Good Luck!
 
Dan

My dear friend. I am gonna stick to you like glue until we get this right. I know you are suffering with addiction. I am so sad that it has such a hold on you. Cigarettes have a hold like that on me.

Okay, so we begin again, Buddy. You are a good man and I know how this torments you. You need lifetme support and that is quite okay.

I will write again later. Until then you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

With hope always
reach
 
Hi guys --i hear ya and the drinking is done. It was getting way out of hand and I was hammering the liver. I am so scared that I have done something bad to myself. That is actually what got me stop and come clean. I still exercise each day and eat very healthy. I only drank at night, but the levels of drinking were getting more and more. I was always very aware of the dangers of mixing tylenol and alcohol so i never took high dosages or i used the water extraction, and I think that is why i stupidly switched to oxy, was because it has no tylenol and couldnt hit the liver. So i stupidly switched to 80mg pills! those are super powerful and very addicting. I have recently felt withdrawals from switching just to hydro! that stuff is bad news. So i am currently taking around 80mg of hydro per day and then I will taper that down each week. at least i have a plan. i just wish i didnt have to start at such a high dosage.
d
 
Hey D,

You need to sit down and have a huge talk with yourself!! You are here and there is a reason for that - you want to stop the merry-go-round of drugs and alcohol. I'm completely off of all alcohol. I may have a beer if we go out to dinner, or carry an bottle or glass around at a party so people think I'm drinking, but I'm done with it. I'm also completely off of the oxy again. I'm in pain, but there's a reason for that.

If you exercise everyday and eat right, what good is that if you kill your liver? If you are an alcoholic or an addict, you don't rank very high on a transplant list. What is the point. You take care of you body on one hand, but then try to kill it on the other. It's not right what you are doing to yourself and your family.

I am so glad I went through my withdrawals (not at the time) because it is something real I can remeraber and I don't want to go through them again. Always remeraber your withdrawals and how bad they made you feel. You need to get past them and off of the drugs that causes them to take control of your life and live for who you are.

You should talk to a doctor about the suboxone route. Can you do that w/o abusing the sub? You need to answer that question first. You should consider "another" detox center that cares about you. A subutex detox followed by a suboxone maintenance may work if you feel that you cannot taper off, but you should get to the root of the underlying problem by seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist. Something is driving you to the addiction and until you fix that, you may never fix the other problem. I want to see you do it this time D! I know that you want to by the way you talk in your messages. We're here to help! Sorry for the long winded message. I can't help it sometimes.
 
Thanks old frienRAB. -- you are great. I am still so confused. Usually at this point i have a plan and its doable. This time my dosage is so high that I can even taper to a starting point that is real to my wife. I still have not quit drinking, as of today though there is no booze in the house. We have to get more pills and that is totally killing my wife, she doesnt understand that if I am going to do an accurate taper that will allow me to work its going to take a long time. I have not been patient with that in the past and I hope this time I can stick to it. I just wish 2 things at this point. 1) DIRECTION. i feel no direction at this point. 2) i wish I could just go to a medical detox for a week or so and get this stuff out of my system fast. With the holidays coming and work, that would be very hard. More later.

Do you all think that I should be looking into SUBOXONE as a option? I have never looked into it for myself, the only thing I have read is that the withdrawals from that are WAY worse!. Can I take it and taper down real fast and not get withdrawals like I would right now.? I am currently at a high dosage of oxy and hydro per day. 100 - 200mg per day.
thanks again for your kind worRAB

d
 
Morning, D

Glad you have a plan for tapering down in place. I have no doubt that you will be able to do it. I think your greatest strength has always been in the ability to face the challenge of the actual withdrawal.

I think your lesser strength is facing the fact that aftercare for you is absolutely paramount. A false sense of security always comes into play once the withdrawal is conquered. The urges begin to come and rather than seeking help, you allow yourself to fall victim once again to the whispers. Yes, it is good that you are seeking support again, but, Buddy, the relapse could have been prevented had the support been in place when the urge came.

There are many days when my pain level rises to the point where I think, " I am going to go back on the Pain meRAB." It is then that I must rely on the knowledge I gained in my own journey; it is then that I come and read my own posts and those of others. I take the time out to rest, to employ the pain relief measures that do not involve drugs, that I talk to my husband about what is going on in my head that I remind myself where my drug use had taken me in the past.

As you work this withdrawal, it is the time to also work out a permanent aftercare plan. A permanent one. One that does not stop when the false security comes that all is behind you. When our lives become entangled in abusing drugs, we do not need a plan that does mere damage control, but one that stops the damage from happening over and over again. Maybe NA, maybe ongoing counseling one on one. Whatever it may be for you, it must be consistent and constant. It must be a source of support that becomes an integral part of your life.

The angst and torment that you suffer will only stop, D, when permanent plans are put in place that put forevermore safety nets in place. Get rid of your sources, put as many live people in place as possible to talk to when needed. Accept that addiction will be a lifelong part of you, but also one that can be controlled. Learn to activate the controls and keep them activated.

Walking beside you
reach
 
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