I know, I know. I promised I would stop bothering B&A with these sudden short stories (or flash fiction) of mine. But NOW I promise. I truly, truly do. Just tell me your honest opinion. ^_^ Hehe, then I'll stop annoying you all. It's meant to have a lot of dialogue and short sentences, I was trying to do it through that kind of context. Oh, it's called:
Smile.
With the period. But it's sad, and I really hope that I conveyed enough in the word limit to create real emotion in you while you read it. Really mean critique, I can take it =D
My hands clenched his, gripping on as though I was dying. “No, Rick, you’ll be fine.” Tears ran down my face but I ignored them. “You just need to hold on a little longer. They’ll be here soon. Wait, you can do it. You can do anything.”
“Eric.” He whispered it so faintly.
“No, don’t waste your energy.” I looked up, searching frantically for anything – anyone. Please, he can’t go. He can’t.
“Eric.” There was pleading in his voice. I turned around, gripping him even harder. “Eric, don’t.”
“No! Listen, you’ll – you’ll be fine.” My voice broke into a cascade of sobs. “You’ll be fine.”
“Eric. Don’t, not for me. Get back.” His eyes fluttered shut. A moment of overwhelming panic shattered me as I shook him.
“Rick. No, you’ll be fine. I promise.” He can’t. He can’t do this to me. Not now, not today, never.
He opened his eyes for what might’ve been the last time. “The medics don’t come this far.” As he said it, explosions erupted across the ground. The blasts; they finally came.
“No-“I couldn’t stop my broken sobs. “You won’t die. You won’t. I promise you. You can’t. No!” I screamed as he shut his eyes again. “No!”
“Eric, listen-“
“You’ll be okay, Rick. You’ll be fine. They will come. They’ll be here any minute. Hold on. Just a few seconds, please, please, don’t go.”
“I love you, you’re like a little brother-“
“Don’t say that! You can’t give up! Be angry, hate me. Live, please, Rick, you… you…”
“I’ll miss you. You needn’t miss me-“
I cried out in frustration, clawing at the air with my screams. “You promised! You can’t – you can’t!”
“Live through this. For me.”
“No! You’ll be fine! Don’t say it!”
“I love you so much, little brother.” My tears fell on his face and he gave a smile. A smile. “I love you.”
“I love you,” I whispered, dragging his head onto my lap. “You’ll live.”
“Only in you.”
“You’ll be okay.” I brushed back his hair. “I love you.”
“I’ll miss you.” One last smile; his hand fell limp.
I buried my face into it and cried.
Kitty - I shall go change it right now! **Clomps back to the document. If it were possible...***
Haha, and no worries about the names. I made them up on the spot because I never actually wrote a character death, just bracing myself for the impact for when I will.
Is Avery a good name? Meh, I'll just put in Avery.
Smile.
With the period. But it's sad, and I really hope that I conveyed enough in the word limit to create real emotion in you while you read it. Really mean critique, I can take it =D
My hands clenched his, gripping on as though I was dying. “No, Rick, you’ll be fine.” Tears ran down my face but I ignored them. “You just need to hold on a little longer. They’ll be here soon. Wait, you can do it. You can do anything.”
“Eric.” He whispered it so faintly.
“No, don’t waste your energy.” I looked up, searching frantically for anything – anyone. Please, he can’t go. He can’t.
“Eric.” There was pleading in his voice. I turned around, gripping him even harder. “Eric, don’t.”
“No! Listen, you’ll – you’ll be fine.” My voice broke into a cascade of sobs. “You’ll be fine.”
“Eric. Don’t, not for me. Get back.” His eyes fluttered shut. A moment of overwhelming panic shattered me as I shook him.
“Rick. No, you’ll be fine. I promise.” He can’t. He can’t do this to me. Not now, not today, never.
He opened his eyes for what might’ve been the last time. “The medics don’t come this far.” As he said it, explosions erupted across the ground. The blasts; they finally came.
“No-“I couldn’t stop my broken sobs. “You won’t die. You won’t. I promise you. You can’t. No!” I screamed as he shut his eyes again. “No!”
“Eric, listen-“
“You’ll be okay, Rick. You’ll be fine. They will come. They’ll be here any minute. Hold on. Just a few seconds, please, please, don’t go.”
“I love you, you’re like a little brother-“
“Don’t say that! You can’t give up! Be angry, hate me. Live, please, Rick, you… you…”
“I’ll miss you. You needn’t miss me-“
I cried out in frustration, clawing at the air with my screams. “You promised! You can’t – you can’t!”
“Live through this. For me.”
“No! You’ll be fine! Don’t say it!”
“I love you so much, little brother.” My tears fell on his face and he gave a smile. A smile. “I love you.”
“I love you,” I whispered, dragging his head onto my lap. “You’ll live.”
“Only in you.”
“You’ll be okay.” I brushed back his hair. “I love you.”
“I’ll miss you.” One last smile; his hand fell limp.
I buried my face into it and cried.
Kitty - I shall go change it right now! **Clomps back to the document. If it were possible...***
Haha, and no worries about the names. I made them up on the spot because I never actually wrote a character death, just bracing myself for the impact for when I will.
Is Avery a good name? Meh, I'll just put in Avery.