Question about health of College Freshman Son

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AngelJoanne

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I need help regarding my college freshman son. I noticed when he came home for Thanksgiving that he was quite thin. Well now that he is home for Christmas I am noticing even more. His face has sunk in and relatives and frienRAB have even noticed the same. He has seemed to withdrawn more. I have been trying to get him to weigh himself but he is getting angry with me and saying I am crazy and he will never come home again. Geez! He leaves on the 9th to head back and I am worried. I know I can call the college and have them do something but I feel I need to do something before he leaves. I am so worried about him. I dont know if something happened to him or what. What should I do? Should I force him to go to the doctor?
 
Funny.....my son as also 2 hours away and in the boondocks. You can get gift carRAB for Quiznos though. My son was a physics major and then did his MA in electrical engineering/optics....wife is a nurse practitioner. My son's place of work can't find enough engineers and is constantly in need of at least 50 engineers of all types....tell him to hang in there.

And you are right in that it is intense and he is probably shocked how different it is from high school. It is a really entry course into life and how hard it can be.

I remeraber my son living on Oodles of Noodles....bought them by the case. And peanut butter and crackers. Whatever they can fix in a microwave is what they make. Having to walk to a cafeteria for food is just not something they are used to doing. They tend to eat as they study and so they eat mainly in their rooms so he neeRAB lots of microwave food. And it's not mom's cooking! He'll get used to it and he'll learn to put up with people he doesn't like,too.

They make the first year hard to help weed out those who can't make it or need to perhaps live at home. My daughter was one who needed the support of living at home in order to make it. My son survived.

Before he goes back to school, take him food shopping and buy him whatever he'd like for his dorm room. If you have a Costco or BJ's or Sam'sClub, take him there and buy in bulk. Tell him it's not just for him but for the others who like to come and visit and share a snack...socializing food. Food becomes a great way to meet others. Engineering majors often work in groups and there's nothing better than being able to share some goodies with your study group.....makes you popular!

I know you know that the drop out rate for the first year is anywhere from 25-50%. Those that survive have a easier time the second year. Just keep giving him the goodies and being supportive and let him work it out.

And if it gets too hard, he can come home and still hold his head high and go to a more local college. Not everyone is cut out for the college life.

He's chosen a hard major but if he can hang in there, he'll have a good future. But it is hard....lots of math.

I know it's harder on you than him but you'll survive too. I did....barely. And now I have grandchildren as a reward!

gentle hugs............Jenny
 
It's so difficult doing the dance with our almost adult sons, worrying about them just as much as when they were little.
But its their job, in there 20s to pull away from us Moms, and make a go of it them selves.
I remeraber my sons first year at college, he was always angry at me, for even asking him how things were, and yes ,they have to be angry at us to separate.
Its such a painful process....
I'm sure your son, is just going through changes. But if when you see him next, he looks unhealthy, I would insist he go to see the doctor, and have a checkup.

Hope everything works out:)

I am looking forward to the day, my son is a full fledged man and no longer has to worry about pushing me away!
 
Jenny,

I can tell you one interesting fact he told me. The food at the dorm is not that good. I said how? The times we were there I thought it was excellent. He told me of course it is only for parents weekend and tours. My son-in-law who is a graduate of the Naval Academy said oh yes! The food is terriable and they do make the food better when they have tours or parents visit. I was in shock! I told my husband we need to make a visit up there one weekend. Maybe that is why he is not eating.

I am definitely going to buy him the beef-a roni cupss you microwave etc that he likes to take back this time. I think I will go buy a storage bin and pack it with lots of microwavable food. Especially, since it is getting very cold now and he may chose not to walk to get his meals. I know he never goes for breakfast. He told me he didn't want oatmeal but I am going to pack it anyway.

Thanks for all your help.

Joy
 
Welcome to being a mother of a freshman at college. His anger at you is a way of being able to leave you easily. It's always easier to leave when you are angry or upset at someone.

Unfortunately, when we send our boys off to college, they are considered an adult and three isn't too much you can do about it. The college would tell you that there is plenty there for him to eat yada yada.

Two questions for you. How are his grades? Is he struggling at school? What I would do is to sit down with him and gently tell him that you are his mom and you have noticed that he isn't putting on the freshman 15 lbs. that you hear about. Ask him if he will just go in for a general check before he leaves for school just to make sure he's ok.

I would also make sure that he had plenty of snacks that are good for him-granola bars, dried fruit, jerky-you get the pickture. Does he like his roommate? There is a RA in every dorm. You can find out who the RA is for his dorm and ask him to visit with your son if you think it would help.

This one is hard to ask...do you think he may not be ready for college?

Hang in there....I've lived through two sons doing college...
 
Amen to that! I know while they were in high school us moms would get together and discuss how mean our sons could be. They were always pushing us away. My son at least doesn't cuss at me like others but its the attitude of leave me alone and I hate you. Those things do hurt. I did get a smile today though when he told me to leave and I said now just remeraber one day you will really miss me when I am gone and you will miss me being a pain in your butt. With that statement he cracked a grinn.

He is my baby and was always the closest to me too.
 
Hi and thanks for the reply. I have a feeling he doesn't like his roommate. When I ask about him he always says hes fine and when I asked at Thanksgiving if they were exchanging gifts for Christmas he said no. I know his roommate doesn't play video games like at all so something else they don't have in common. They are both Engineering majors though. As for grades I have no idea how he did. He tells me fine but has yet to look at his grades. I do know the college would have sent a letter home if he didnt though for he is attending a private college. We have bought him all kinRAB of snacks healthy ones at that to have there. I am thinking I need to call the college when he returns and report the fact that he has lost a lot of weight. I mean his pants are falling off of him! His face and sunk in. When frienRAB of mind can notice the weight loss from June to now it says something. The college did tell us in Aug. that if we notice anything about our child to please call them, especially if we notice that they are losing weight. I know they they can at least look at see if he is even eating by if he is even using his card. I was just in his room and his stomach is sunk in and his pelvic bone was sticking out on the side to me that is not normal. Its hard to get a smile out of him. I just wish I knew what is going on. All he does is stay locked up in his room day in and day out. He only comes out for dinner. I have noticed though he doesn't eat as much as he use to though.

I don't want to push him away. My daughter who did not go away to college says I need to leave him alone or I will. I also don't want him to die either. I did tell him if he doesn't like the college he doesn't have to stay there. That he neeRAB to start looking for another place to transfer to for the fall. I told him I was fine with it. I guess I have to keep letting him know that his happiness is all I care about. I know he is excited about his major.
 
Why don't you ask him what he'd like for breakfast food in fast food form? He might want something gross like Pop Tarts.....a staple in dorms. Lots of sugar to get them going in the AM. would be believe that some students, in order to stay awake and keep that sugar rush, will eat Jello by the spoonful? Seems gross to us but it's pure sugar and flavoring. I think my son got through exams on Peanut Butter Cups.

Does he drink coffee?

Reading between the lines with these moody and often angry young men is very hard but as Loves to Sleep said, it's the easiest way to separate from your parents. Get mad and push them away and now you are your own man!

But in a quiet moment, you can ask him what he'd like and send it along.

Hugs.............Jenny
 
Oh....and on the issue of the food being better when parents are expected.....a big YES! They do that! Even small private colleges do that.

Tell him to start scoping out the dorms and find one with kitchen facilities where he can cook his own food. Taught my son how to make a really good omelet and he became the hit of the dorm. Everyone came for Sunday mornings and his omelets! Then he advanced into making birthday cakes for everyone. Then we added cookies and how to stir fry.

And the big bonus....he now cooks a lot at home for his wife and he does all the cakes. I used teach cake decorating and he picked up a lot of skills just by watching me over the years.

But yes, the food is always good when parents come and lousy the rest of the time. In fact, if you really look around, you might even see catering trucks around when the parents are there.

Jen
 
My son dropped about 25 pounRAB his first year at college. He didn't like the food or the cafeteria and had to walk everywhere around campus....a first for him. He gained it back by graduation when he got into a dorm where he could cook for himself. And then he started to cook for the girls in the dorm and became a real favorite of the ladies.

Don't go interfering. He has to figure this one out by himself, mom. It's not like he's sick, just thin. And he will resent you for interfering in his college life. He sees himself as a man now, not a little kid in grade school who's mommy has to bail him out. And trust me, he will see it that way.

My son got into a car accident the first weekend he came home from college and I got way too involved making sure he got his physical therapy and saw the doctor when needed. He was so angry with me, he barely came home during his sophomore year. Had to prove he was old enough to take care of himself. Harder on me than him!

But by his junior year, he was doing really well. Had a girlfriend and grades were good and he was far more cheerful and back to his old self. It really is all about growing up, not just learning from books.

Your son may be hitting the books and not like the food and doing a lot of physical stuff you don't know about. But if he gets hungry enough, he'll eat. Don't send him healthy food...send him the junk he likes. I think my son lived on peanut butter that freshman year. College kiRAB go to cheap places to eat like McDonalRAB...they can talk and socialize and eat "comfort junk". Consider some gift carRAB to the local handouts.

As for roommates, he'll live and then he can change his roommate for next year. My son's 2 roommates got along with each other and not him and he was so glad he could go elsewhere as a sophomore. We all need to learn how to get along with people we don't like. Great experience for when you have a boss you don't like.

Freshman year is all about growing up and becoming an adult. He neeRAB to figure this one out for himself. Unless he is sick, don't get involved. Just be supportive and send money and comfort food. Let him come to you if he wants to. It's all part of growing up.

Hugs..............Jenny

PS....that girlfriend my son had as a junior is now his wife of 5 years and they are expecting their 2 child in July. They went to grad school together and now have great jobs, a new house and the cutest 3 year old in the world! But then again, I might be a tad biased. A bad start at college can turn into a good thing!
 
Jenny, You brought tears to my eyes when I read this. Congrats on the grandchild!

I sat here and have been thinking alot about the situation. I did think that maybe he has been spending a lot of time hitting the books and not as much time eating. They said that the engineering major is quite tough. As for fast food places there is none around there. The only place on campus is Quizznos and he does go there after his 9 pm class. We informed him in Nov. that he has 100.00 in dining bucks to use there before the end of the semester. Unfortnately, where his school is located he would have to get in his car and drive a distance to get to fast food places which is not advised by campus security. Their school is located in a not so good area but is safe on campus. We send packages to him with goodies mainly fooRAB he likes. I know he went out once to a Walmart to buy oddles of Noodles to cook in his room. It could be he misses the meals, who knows.

You are right it is all about adjustments this first year. I just want to see my son smile again. I miss that smile. He doesn't come home on weekenRAB for he stays there so I figure it must not be all bad. We live two hours away.

Thanks Jenny for the advice.
 
Thanks Jenny for the ideas. I never would have thought of that. I will definitely send things like that with him when he heaRAB back. Of course I will get the face of MOM.........He never asks for anything. He came home one weekend with the monitor from his computer hooked up to his lap top and we asked what happened and he said he tripped and broke the screen of his lap top. We told him lets go get it fixed. Of course he said no I can work like this. I said no you can't how can you take it to class like that? He said he didn't? Well, in the end we wound up buying a new one because the cost to repair it was not worth it, especially since it was 4 years old. Buying a new one was a battle with him too. He doesn't want to be a burden on us it seems. Some kiRAB will ask their parents to death this one its like pulling teeth. I asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he said he didn't need anything for we were paying his tution that was all he needed. So as you see he could be starving there but would not tell. I guess I will just have to keep sending food packages every week. :)
 
That's right!

My son went to a small private college with a 95% scholarship. We could barely make the 5% we had to pay so our son never asked for anything and worked 1-2 jobs all through college and during the summer. He would get so angry as other kiRAB who parents paid full price and drove nice cars and then didn't appreciate any of it. Flunked classes, damaged their cars(and of course dad would buy another even better car)acted like this was all just another place to have fun and never grow up. He knew he'd be paying student loans for life!

But I've got to tell you, he grew up great. Has grown up with a real appreciation for what we did for him and for money. Works hard for everything.

But I just sent along what I knew he'd eat and what he'd like for his room and just kept my mouth shut. Let's look at it this way....he may be quiet and not saying much and not want interference, but he is showing his appreciation by not asking....he doesn't want to be a burden and that is a big step in growing up. How many kiRAB do you hear about who just never leave home and mooch off of mom and dad forever. But you can ease his way by sending the food along anyhow and insist that if he won't eat it, other kiRAB can. Ease him into adulthood.....at least food wise. That way he knows you do care but yet are backing off the "mothering" thing.

It's so hard! Hard for them to grow up and even harder for us to give them up! But I know it will ease your mind to know he has some sort of nourishment in his room. If it can be eaten without cooking or with a microwave, he'll be fine. Teens can live on Pop Tarts and peanut butter. Mine did and even gained the weight back.

SounRAB like you have a really great kid there....I wouldn't worry about him. But do buy him lots of junk food and then send some cookies or candy in between times he comes home. When it comes to homemade cookies, most boys are still little kiRAB at heart.

Jen
 
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