Poetry! Constructive criticism anyone?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Jane S
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Jane S

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With your hand in mine we walk towards the light.
Not a soul around, the silence is deafening.

The light is blinding, my surroundings are becoming blurred.
Your grip is getting lighter, I cannot feel your touch.

I part my lips to call out, but the light fills my mouth,
there are no words able to be spoken.

At last your grip falls away and I am left alone;
Blind and forcibly silent.

I feel the light crawl down my throat, cutting away my vocal cords.

From my sightless eyes spring tears, and my tongue works to call you.
But you are not there.

As I stand in this blank silence, a noise graces my neglected eardrums.
A realization has come to me; a pinprick of warmth in this desolate place.

This light-or deceptive darkness-screeches in terror, battering my skull with despair.

I feel myself begin to fall into its mourning when an overwhelming sense of strength muffles the afflicting call.

When the screech was all but gone, I tentatively stretch open my jaw and exhale, feeling the constricting presence being expelled from my body.

My sight slowly returns, along with it-my tears.

Tears of happiness, the realization that strength can return at the most valuable moments.
I do not resent your abandonment, for it helped me grow.

Thank you for releasing your grip, I have learned to walk on my own.
 
Learn to be consise...

With your hand in mine we walk towards the light.
Not a soul around, the silence is deafening.

Try,

Hand in hand, we walk towards the light
not a soul around, the deafening silence

It still needs a bit of work in poetic form... Try rhyming each couplet...
 
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